Wednesday, July 31, 2013

CD: Undulating Hump Backs

Carpe Diem #260 ~ Caravanserai

Photo Source

tired from desert heat
respite for man and camel
real or imagined?


desert caravan
beasts of burden trek the sands
undulating dunes


riding a camel
swaying too high off the ground
feels unsafe ~ i scream

I lived in Iran for three years in the mid-60s and did ride a camel when I was 12. Apparently I had a fear of heights even then.

MWM: Avignon Shrine ~ Mary to Mary

Mornings With Mary

Photo by Grace Beam

When we arrived in Avignon, France in September last year, my first stop was to see the statue of Mary in gold high above the Palais des Papes. I noticed her finger was pointing on her outstretched arm. Others must have thought me nuts craning my neck trying to see where she was pointing. I'm sure the sculptor had something in mind, but this was a spiritual journey for me as well; and I know when something is pointing the way. This was literal. Her finger pointed at one of two places. One was this small back terrace shrine. The building next door was #22 which is one of my life path numbers. I was happy to find I did have an image of the shrine to share with you.

in avignon france
gold mary points to herself
a shrine to admire

Photo by Grace Beam

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

CD: New Life

Carpe Diem #259 ~ Miracles 

mother nature's gifts
her every day miracles
new life all around


miracle of birth
nature and humanity
meant to be cherished



feeling like White Rabbit
one pill making me feel awful
cuz it won't let go of my brain
time to go off but pharma
knows how to keep me on

insurance stopped covering
one of my main sinus meds
so now must go on generic
which i tried before
and got a rash
but have to hope the rash
doesn't build on top of the
other rash i have but
haven't yet figured out
the source

dizzy and headaches
can't tell from sad pill
or chronically infected sinuses
my body is a temple
filled with toxins
because my nose doesn't work

do i have the pharmacy
turn my sad pills into a liquid
so i can wean off it more easily
and pay a fortune to do it
or just deal with it
and hope eventually i win

then a bill came today
not covering my one
neurofeedback session
and it has to be their fault
because they told me
what it would cost for
each session

coming off of antidepressants
and going on neurofeedback
to treat anxiety and depression
and effed up brain
but all of that is adding to
the stress in my life

vicious circle of life
revolving around brain cells
craving for pills
and my needing meds
whether i like it or not

one pill to make it stop
all of it
is that too much to ask?


dVerse: Tapping Into The Muse

dVerse: OpenLink Night 107
Writer's Block

waiting for the flow
wondering if any gelato is left
what's that sound outside?
*flash of a word in my mind*
focus on word
metaphorically tap tap tap
of invisible pen
even tho haven't used one 
in years
play a game on puter
take mind off writing
brain will work on it
and spit it out when ready 
cuz if it doesn't flow
it doesn't work
my poet...writer
is a muse who lives within
she has to be ready
*flash of a few words*
repeat repeat
it's time
type the words 
circling in my head
suddenly the rest comes
as I write it just flows
like a dam breaking
thoughts I didn't know I had

Toads: To Be

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads

We are challenged to do a poetry form called an etheree. It is written as lines with syllables: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. It's also to be focused on a single theme.

who are you?
you must begin
an inner journey
to find all the answers
only then can we become
the person of our destiny
a lifelong journey finding contentment

Monday, July 29, 2013

CD: Natural High

Carpe Diem ~ Euphoria

chocolate croissant 
Paris sidewalk cafe
holding his hand

Wordle: Draught

Sunday Whirl
Wordle 119

crows revisited the vegetation
what had been rooted now eroded
scarce rain drained the last cells
of strength
next year new seeds will be planted
one cell will divide...and then another
nature will weave her magic
with her unending loom of mystery 

Trifecta: Blind Obedience (5)

Trifecta: Week Eighty-Eight

For this week's Trifecta challenge we are to write 33 to 333 words using the following definition of the word BANDto gather together : unite.

This is a continuation of the covert government program where Elias, a military officer, is deeply entrenched in keeping secrets, including his "daughter" who is not his own flesh and blood. She is property of the government. Previous segments of this story can be read here:

Polyvore by Grace2244

Each personality created for a child had been trained for a specific job either for the cult scenarios, or highly specialized knowledge to be a young astronaut, assassin, courier and numerous other government-designated purposes. Elias was not one of the respected neuroscientists who knew the brain and how to program the various entities of a young mind. Jack Leber had carefully laid out the personality matrices for different undercover purposes. 

Because Emma, his royalty-hidden “daughter”, was to be a much needed part of that world, Elias greatly resented her higher purpose and the fact that he was relegated to a necessary but not well regarded member of the secret operatives. His skills in torture were prized and chronicled as part of the darkest secret—the manual used worldwide to create the next generation of blindly obedient children into adulthood who could be used on cue for any activity for which they were trained with no memory of having done so. Yet his covert task did not allow him to band with the others in terms of importance.

Even at a young age, the children had purposes that far exceeded their original purpose. One could make a young child swallow gems and call out a loving part who believed the abuser to be a father figure and easily transport the cache to another state or country. Drugs could be hidden in children’s toys with no one thinking twice. The child returning home had no memory of the event and the spouse and siblings would have all been trained to forget any missing time. All seemed normal to each other within the family system, except that it was a complete fabrication.

Words: 264

Sunday, July 28, 2013

CD: Jane Reichhold's "Winter Solstice"

Carpe Diem Special #49

Our challenge is to write a haiku inspired by one or both of the haiku penned by Jane Reichhold.

winter solstice
warmth of friends
return the sun

(c) Jane Reichhold

deep snow
the horse walks the paths
of summer

(c) Jane Reichhold

My inspired haiku:

chilled to the bone
adding wood to the fireplace
pipe dreams of summer


deep in the woods
walking through piles of leaves
scent of winter


Saturday, July 27, 2013

dVerse: Far From My Shores

dVerse: Water, Water

an ocean of memories
flow from my mind
to be released to sea
to float away where they
can no longer reach my shores

far from where they drift
diving into the water blue
alone and silent with liquid nature
my senses drink in all that is pure
and cleanse my soul

CD: What Is Freedom?

Carpe Diem ~ Liberation

false freedom
lifetime to break away
no more puppet strings


how the butterfly flits from flower to flower


vortex wind awhirl
cleanses the past from my pores
brings oneness to mind

Friday, July 26, 2013

HMH: Rain

Haiku My Heart

gardening in rain ~
how mother nature offers me
her weeds so freely

Photo Source

CD: Footprints in the Sand

Carpe Diem's Kamishibai #3

Credits: footprints on the beach

In the summers, when I was a child and our family was stationed in the U.S., I loved to visit my favorite aunt and three cousins. My cousin Mitchell and I, born only a month apart, were close friends. I especially looked forward to times when I could stay with my aunt for a week and spend days playing and going to the beach. Mitch and I would run far ahead of the others along the beach gathering shells and splashing each other. One of the few happy memories I had and still cherish.

running and laughing
along the edge of the shore 
footprints in our wake

CD: Don't Ask Don't Tell

Carpe Diem ~ Confrontation

how can a child know
if fear prevents questions?
voice barely whispers


battle weary
from wars with no history
silence rules the game


Pristiq: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Polyvore by Grace2244

Although born depressed, I didn't begin antidepressants until 2005 at the age of 52, mainly because I was unable to tolerate the many I did try. Cymbalta was a different kind of antidepressant (AD) and stopped my then "unable to stop crying" symptom within two days. I stayed on minimal 30 mg dose until a few years later. Circumstances in my life caused depression to worsen to where the maximum dose of 180 mg a day wasn't working.

A crisis in 2011 led to hospitalization and I was weaned rather quickly off Cymbalta and put on 50 mg of Pristiq for several days with no side effects. Bumping to the 100 mg was also not an issue and my depression symptoms improved immensely within a month. I had been on the 100 mg/day (maximum dose) for two years. A few months ago, my healing had reached a point where I knew I no longer needed the AD. With the help of my psychiatrist, I dropped to 50 mg a day for a week.

I cheated a bit though thinking I was doing so well I could stop taking the 50 mg. I was fine for three days and then it was like a cyclone hit center brain. Very strong dizziness and nausea. I couldn't see straight, let alone walk without wobbling or falling over. When I realized it was a response to stopping the Pristiq so quickly, I went back on the 50 mg a day for another week (using a pill cutter to cut my 100s in half). My psychiatrist gave me a sample pack of 50s to cut in half to take for a week after that. He thought I should have no withdrawal stopping after a week on the 1/4 dose. He was wrong.

Again, about three days after stopping the 1/4 dose, I was hit with dizziness and nausea...not quite as strong as the first cyclone but still debilitating.  I am now on the 25 mg every other day but am experiencing lightheadness constantly. That has been going on since I started reducing the dosage. It's difficult to read much but I can function. I'm retired so don't have to worry about my job being impacted.

The hope is that, after a dose every other day for 10 days, I can stop. If not, the back up plan is to go to every three days. I have never experienced withdrawal from any prescription medication before so this was a huge surprise. Of course, since having the withdrawal, I have found many online suffering symptoms. I hope my experience and findings will help someone out there.

There is controversy over cutting the pills in half, but that was recommended by my psychiatrist over 50 mg tablets every other day. It seems my mild daily symptoms are far preferable to what others are going through. Many speak of "brain zaps" which is experienced differently by each person. I have had sudden twinges in my head. It feels like a brain cramp for several seconds in one spot. It's not painful...just disconcerting.

Others speak of crying after brain zaps or being more tearful. I realize I have been numb to crying pretty much since being on Pristiq. Just recently I had a normal emotional response to a happy/sad movie and had tears where I would have in life before AD. I would guess that it might feel like a side effect when it might be normal emotions returning. That's for you to decide with your doctor.

Before many surgeries from 2007-2009, which rendered me unable to return to work, I was a psychotherapist. I didn't prescribe drugs but always knew a client's history and knew which ADs were causing the most issues and witnessed transformations as people went on meds and came off of them. I'm not an expert on this. Just sharing because of what I'm finding on the internet. Hopefully if you are reading this, you found it by Googling.

For what it's worth, at the same time I started weaning off the Pristiq, I began neurofeedback. I've only had one treatment since several sessions are needed to map the brain and see what treatment will be best. I did want to be AD free for the neurofeedback to work on an unmedicated brain hoping it would normalize and AD no longer needed. Those sessions will be long term since it is training the brain to be calm instead of spastic as my brain shows to be. *sigh*

I am not opposed to going back on a low dose of Cymbalta if, for some reason, the depression still needs help post neurofeedback. I guess I don't know if Cymbalta has withdrawal symptoms because I went from that directly to Pristiq. I do know I will not return to Pristiq knowing how difficult it is to go off of it.

Good luck to you on your journey to AD freedom. The Mayo Clinic has a discussion group on Pristiq withdrawal for those interested in others' experiences. People have freed themselves which is good news. I hope to be one soon.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

dVerse: Boxes of Me

dVerse: List Poetry

cleaning out the attic of my mind
that was stored in trunks and boxes:
collages of horror that once had no meaning,
memories in magazine pages pieced together,
three hole punched random pages
"borrowed" from a binder now unknown,
rows of binders cataloging mind images
and messages,
the undone jigsaw puzzles of what was my life.
art therapy still without meaning
though i healed without the knowing.
pages torn from magazines
in doctors' offices and waiting rooms
that one time meant something
but never went with anything else.
page after page i rifle through
tossing many into the trash.
but the plastic folders meant to keep
where memories became as clear as the folder
they were slipped in.
now in retrospect
watching my pieced together past
in piles on the floor
am finally able to let some go.
where before
any scrap of paper with words or numbers
(now no longer any meaning)
could not be released.
drawings and scribbles
and numerology ad infinitum,
colorful scraps of nothingness (now)
at one time essential to my being.

CD: Invisible Guidance

Carpe Diem #255 ~ Intuition

inner wisdom
intuition with a name
correcting my path


the way 
she reaches for her phone 
before it rings

I don't know if this second one qualifies for a one line haiku or not. It just didn't seem to need more than this thought to portray intuition. Feedback please. 


CD: Wing Art

Carpe Diem's Imagination #5

Photo by Grace Beam

butterfly alights
delicate blossom ~ outstretched
artistic wing span


CD: Oppressive Heat

Carpe Diem ~ Little Ones #1

This is a new challenge to begin to learn shorter forms of haiku. A Pi-ku is 3-1-4 syllables, however, for fun, we are adding a few more numbers to Pi ~ 314159.

without relief
mother nature 'til
she can no longer feed her hungry

CD: Every Day Joy

Carpe Diem ~ Enthusiasm

joy of rose blossoms
from bud to falling petals ~
summer love


sound of his laughter
along with his sparkling eyes  ~
every day my joy

Tar Babies

Wall of amnesia in place since very early childhood breaks in 1997 when I'm 44. My dissociated selves come tumbling out and it is life changing to realize I am a multiple. An early alter to reveal herself was first called Tar Baby until I learned her name. Later I realized the image I had of her coming out of the tar was her crossing over from subconscious to consciousness. I wrote this 11/04/01. Just rediscovered it today.

Photo Source

Pieces of my murky past come forth
like tar oozing from the core of the earth.
Each bubble bursts open flashing a moment 
of horror in my mind.
Perhaps it connects to a previous moment...
perhaps not.
I place these moments into the jigsaw puzzle
and wait.

I can see the chasm
separating conscious from unconscious.
The dark side quakes,
forever trapped in fragments of nightmares.
To reach the safe shore of consciousness
alters must leap across that 
hell of memory of childhood
and life gone awry
by those who would justify
torture of a child
to eliminate an enemy.

Alters emerge from the slime
naked to the world cloaked only in terror.
But the courage for them to find their way out
leaves me in awe.
Were it not for the protectors
who lead the way,
I would be lost
wandering the inside of my haunted mind
as a zombie roams the earth ~
the walking dead in search of life.

I know where the life is hiding
but I must first embrace
the worst of the nightmares
to set it free.
I have never known the joy of life ~
the will of wanting to live rather than die.
I'm so close at times
but slipping back into something
that seems to hold me up just high enough
to keep my head from slipping
back into that tar pit.

I refuse to turn back.
I've known enough life now 
not to want to return;
but some days it feels so inviting
to creep back into eternal ignorance,
to pretend my life never happened.

I want to wash that shroud of blackness
off each of my selves
and let them see life
and want to take that
great leap into joy
that I've yet to know.

FSF: The Ancient Ones

Five Sentence Fiction ~ Limitless

Photo by Grace Beam

She had journeyed to Sedona for a kind of vision quest...a deep healing she believed would only be found in that place of desert canyons and earth energy from the vortexes. Three days of spiritual ceremonies and massages had been scheduled and Celeste arrived the night before opening herself to all that her heart and soul needed to absorb from the place of the ancient red canyon.

The morning of her last day she was greeted by her shaman guide who would take her to three of the vortexes although she had felt the winds swirl around her during times of healing or internal connection in the previous days. Sitting on the peak of Rachel's Knoll with no other human in sight, facing the side of the high butte which had rocks appearing to have faces etched in them, her guide said to close her eyes and listen to what the ancient ones had to say to her.

With the cloudless sky, comfortable temperature and light breeze, feeling so uplifted by all she had experienced, Celeste complied and let her mind go into a meditative state, feeling a strong urge to "ohmmm", something she had never done before while meditating, but allowed herself to vocalize the internal push soon followed by her guide's deeply resonating voice joining in with her having heard the silent and very personal message.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I'm Just Drawn That Way

Yesterday went for neurofeedback. Thought it was third brain mapping session but it was someone new and my first passive treatment. Fine...close eyes and listen to itunes. But first TELL HER. brain was programmed. Stimoceivers were placed up sinuses near brain and zapped to cause certain behaviors. I was made to be multiple but I'm whole now and need this to get "what's left over" after healing. Oh yeah, they used ECT too thinking it would erase my memory. Are you sure this isn't going to trigger my brain into some weird state of being?

I'm not insane. I had an insane life. "That's a very healthy way to view it," she says like it's a normal thing to hear. "I'm not bad; I'm just drawn that way." Jessica Rabbit. We both laugh. But I'm feeling so friggin' vulnerable.

She reassures me neurofeedback is only to calm the mind to help it function as it should. WTF is "as it should" I think because it's never functioned "as it should" in my entire lifetime...especially now after seeing my brain waves are so not normal.

I put in my ear buds, lean back in reclining chair. She puts the sensor on my ear and glues things to my head and puts on the dark glasses even though my eyes are closed because it emits a light that the brain sees but I don't. Finally I don't hear the blasted clock and noticed it had been moved far away from the office when I had walked in the entrance. I muttered to the clock when I saw it wanting to throw it out the door into the heavy shrubbery never to be found again.

Afterwards she takes me into another office to show me a sample of what an active session will be. I'm staring at every type of brain wave seeing them all flash in different neon colors going crazy. "I thought I was supposed to see a calming image." She shows me the image is a reward. We pick a distorted picture of pink coral. Their computers are old and all the images are distorted which irritates me. Then a blank bright purple puzzle pops up on the screen. "When your brain is in 'the zone' you get a new puzzle piece." The pink coral starts coming in as a fragmented picture which triggers the hell out of me but I don't tell her.

"I was told I could choose a sound", I say because I need a sound that is pleasing. We go through about six and they aren't intermittent with long pauses. It's like beep beep pause beep pause pause beep beep pause. "Can you get a singing bowl wav file?" I ask after telling her how agitated I am. She will call the brain software people to ask. I call her later and tell her the chime and bell sound on the iPhone are good.

I want to just look at my own iPhone photo of France or Italy and not the screen with the neon brain waves and hear a pleasant sound. I will ask next time. Maybe tell her. Maybe demand passive treatment only. I thought I was supposed to calm down.

dVerse: Brain Mapping

dVerse: OpenLinkNight — Week 106

tick tick tick tick tick
don't move for six minutes
the clock in the other room
feels like drum beats
and i'm supposed to be calm
nothing to tune out the
tick tick tick
try to focus on another sound
traffic outside
tick tick tick tick tick tick
the more i try
the louder it gets
"4 minutes to go"
wanting to leap from the chair
fling open the door
and smash the bloody clock
that i had moved from the room
before we began
because i could hear it 
the first session
and almost went nuts
brain mapping
to treat my oversensitivity to sounds
finally it's over
trying to reach for my iphone
and ear buds to drown out the sound
the sensor on my ear 
pulls me back into my seat
i don't scream or even whisper
"next time can i listen to my music
while you do this?"

Three sessions of brain mapping needed for neurofeedback sessions to hopefully treat my extrasensory hearing and other things that make me eek.

Monday, July 22, 2013

CD: Jane Reichhold's "Riversong"

Carpe Diem Special #48


We are to write a haiku in the same sense as the one penned by Jane Reichhold:

wind blown from autumn trees
a stream of gold

My inspired haiku:

wisteria vines
last green clinging to autumn
driftwood by springtime

CD: "Red Tear-Stained Eyes"

Carpe Diem's Tan Renga Challenge #7

For the Tan Renga challenge, we are to take this haiku, penned by Kristjaan Panneman, internationally known haikuist and founder of the Carpe Diem website, and add two seven syllable lines:

decomposed flowers
silent witness of a relative
red tear-stained eyes

My inspired lines: 

how the withered rose petals
still keep her memory near

Photo Source


MWM: For Whom The Bells Toll

 Monday Mornings With Mary

Mary at Notre Dame
overlooks the Paris garden
awaiting the vespers

When we were in Paris last September, my body quit a block before Notre Dame. I stayed in one spot on rock ledge while Brian took photos. He was in the garden but didn't take this photo. I recalled knowing there had to be a Mary with Notre Dame but just could walk no longer. Am sure this would be even more impressive if I had seen her.


Sunday, July 21, 2013

CD: Inexplicable Joy

Carpe Diem #252 ~ Ecstasy

Photo Source

Last year during our honeymoon in France, the first day we went to Sacre Couer (Church of the Sacred Heart) high on the hill of Montmartre. Only from a certain angle could I see the Eiffel Tower and gasped out loud when I saw it. No picture of it can replace the experience of seeing it in person.

ecstasy unfurled
spying the eiffel tower
first time ~ from afar


Back to Sedona listening for messages in the canyon. It was ecstasy to receive one although I didn't hear one.

sitting on hilltop
listening for ancient ones ~
ecstasy to hear

Saturday, July 20, 2013

dVerse: Two Two Four Four

dVerse: Numerology

2244 came into my life
when i chose it as the last 4 digits
to my car phone 
at the time
the salesperson was a friend
and let me choose from a page
because i wanted a number
easy to remember

it was almost two decades
before my amnesia came undone
and learned 2244 
was a part of me
a guiding number
a number that told me
when i was on the right path

it didn't matter in what form
22 or 44. 224 or 442 or 242
the numbers were my synchronicity
44 became 44N at one point
in Italy in 2005 we took a side trip
to Cinque Terre
because of a breathtaking view
we found online
not until after the trip was booked
did i get an internal "push"
Cinque Terre was 44 degrees N
initially afraid to go
i found huge healing during that trip

last year was france
husband chose Avignon
i said "okay"
accidentally found Avignon was 44N
italy couldn't be parallel with france
but those two cities were
another healing experience
most extraordinary
a time of synchronicity

2+2+4+4 = 3
i used to do that all the time
with numbers that came through
my amnesia
perhaps one time the number
had a different meaning
but was transformed before
i remembered
it's me
it's my number

Not exactly poetry or prose...but my stream of consciousness on this prompt.

CD: Mysterious Wonders

Carpe Diem #251 ~ Mystical

how future knowledge
comes with such accuracy ~
my inner wisdom


breathing in wonder
standing at ancient canyon ~
mystical breezes

HH: Time & Timeless

Haiku Heights #226   ~ Time

time is on our side ~
whoever uttered those words
did not know of us


a year of our lives
me with my thin band of gold
secure in our love


Toads: Teddy Bear In Love

Imaginary Garden for Real Toads
Sunday Mini-Challenge

The challenge is to write love poetry/prose from one inanimate object to another.

Photo by Grace Beam

teddy admired lola from afar...
from the other side of the room
he with his well groomed fur
and glass eyes
she with perky white fur
and pink sweater

lola eyed him peeking
out from beneath the doll cradle
moving only when 
the humming cleaning lady 
dusted him off
she could see how he strained 
to see her

teddy wanted to meet the sweet canine
whose job was to hide the cords 
to an assortment of gadgets 
behind the television stand
he wished he had a job to impress her

helpless to do more
he spoke to her as only stuffed animals can
and silently wrote love letters in his mind 
hoping she would know they were for her

my dearest lola,
you are my only love
your pink sweater calls my name
i want so to run my paw through
your beautiful white tufts
if only we could be together
i sense you too have been loving me
from over there

perhaps one day
and we can only hope
we will be chosen to be
in the prized moses basket
where the others are united

i love you with all my heart
i bear my soul to you
will you be mine and mine alone
in this staid world of ours
it would bring me such joy

love to you,
the bear under the crib

Who Am I Now?

My world has changed drastically since mid-May. I went from a mostly integrated multiple to a completely integrated person. I am what we multiples referred to as a singleton or monomind. I'm proof of healing from one of the most evil plans our government has intentionally created multiple to commit acts as commanded throughout life without memory of doing so. I rendered their blueprints for my own demise after memory a failure. It took 16 years with a 4 year reprieve when all appeared an intense 12 year journey.

Along with integration, my level of anxiety for journeying outside on my own went from an 8 to 10 (on a scale of 1 to 10) to a zero. Lack of energy still keeps me a bit alone but I've been much more active and don't need my husband to drive me everywhere.

What I call a shift in consciousness happened when I integrated. My mood shifted in addition to level of anxiety. With my psychiatrist, we made a plan for me to go off my antidepressants and that will happen in a few days.

My weekly therapy to deal with my fear of living is no longer necessary because the fear is gone. I no longer have a regularly scheduled monthly appointment to address DID issues, although my therapist is still there "as needed". No therapy. I was in therapy 15 years on and off before my amnesia began to leak in 1997. That's when therapy became my life...two to three times a week initially.

What remains of my 40 decades of trauma is leftover PTSD and oversensitivity to every day sounds/noises. I've been led to neurofeedback and will begin treatment after my third session of brain mapping next week. I've already seen how out of whack my brain waves are compared to normal and know my brain can learn how to calm down.

This is a new world yet I still am working on a way to tell my story...trying a new approach through a novel. No one believes my past anyway. Well some do. The general population does not and cannot or does not want to believe the evil in government. Although maybe the time is ripe at the moment.

The problem is that I've been a survivor whose live has been healing, with the exception of 2004-2007 when I was healed sufficiently to be a therapist...before my body crashed into disability status.

Now I'm a writer and the story still wants to be told. And I'm becoming more open than ever before about it. I have no idea what's normal for someone with an extraordinary (and not in a good way) life. I don't know how to be whatever normal is.

If feel I still have a need to continue to educate about the horror of the government underground through my writing. Outside of that and caring for my garden and enjoying my husband, home, and pets. I'm feeling like a fish out of water.

I also had a brain mapping session today and my brain got overly stimulated in trying to pinpoint the exact strength of light to use in my treatment. As a result I feel a bit weirded out but have written profusely today, all things considered. My final DID blog post completed today. And spilling my guts here.

Who am I now? I really don't know. I'm a survivor but healed. I do believe I survived to educate. All I feel I can do in that endeavor is write. And live to travel with my husband. Enjoying life...still in training.

Friday, July 19, 2013

CD: When Fact Meets WTF

Carpe Diem #250 ~ Credibility

most don't believe me
until they want to seek truth ~
incredulous past


nice sci fi story ~
covert documents destroyed
credible no more


his love and support
knowing of my covert past ~
finally believed

dVerse: Mickey Mouse Beat

 dVerse: Mix and Match (2)

Since doing my cento yesterday and someone commented on another writing about A Clockwork Orange, the first line of this Dada with Scissors (I think) has been swirling in my head. Sounds like a beat poem to me although it might fall under another heading I don't know about. It just flowed out after I got that first line down.


in this mickey mouse clockwork orange world
hickory dickory is the doc who pulls the strings
to the puppets without brains
and dr seuss puts the cat on the hat
and jack spratt jumps over the moon

left is right and right is wrong
and alice fell down the rabbit hole 
to oz 
and one pill made her smaller
and ect made her forget
and now her brain can't think straight

it's dog eat dog and mary had a little lamb
the monster under the bed
isn't real but he will get you at night
and no one will ever believe
because the world goes around in 80 days
and what did i just say?

Thursday, July 18, 2013

CD: The Look of Love

Carpe Diem #249 ~ Compassion

Not me but I did have stuffed animals.

In 2007, I was in the hospital for complications from botched up surgery a few times. For days I was kept there wondering if I would live to walk out. I remember so vividly feeling and looking a mess, unable to move, telling Brian we wouldn't be able to go on vacation that summer. He smiled, squeezed my hand, and said "we'll go next summer." Gosh, that just made me cry to type that. I've never known such a compassionate man. That was five years before we married.

opening my eyes
his smile while holding my hand ~
hospital bedside

dVerse: Poe Gone Mad

dVerse: Mix and Match

Our challenge is to try a new form of poetry. In looking over the choices, I was immediately drawn to collage because that is my dominant form of art in images. The cento is a new poem created from bits and pieces of verse from other authors. Will have to do some research but here goes.

Polyvore by Grace Beam

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep
deep into that darkness peering,
long I stood there wondering, fearing
a wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
the darkest evening of the year

there fell a silvery-silken veil of light
I shall be telling this with a sigh  
between stars—on stars where no human race is
and be one traveler, long I stood
the starry voice ascending spreads

in the silence of the night
is but a dream within a dream
so that now, to still the beating of my heart
pressing the brain, which too much thought expands,
back to its proper size again

The lines are mostly from Poe and Frost with a few from a famous poet site. Not an easy task but I like the concept.

FSF: Building Her Internal World

Five Sentence Fiction ~ Wisdom

Image Source

In retrospect, Rose realized her inner wisdom had been with her since age 5 when she began to internalize television show personalities who she saw as people who would protect her: private detectives, police officers, soldiers. Internally she would role play the television episodes with some adaption placing herself into the story always ending up being rescued.

Rose never shared her ever growing inner world with others and never deemed them as imaginary friends. After coming to know she had been acting out a form of backwards multiplicity four decades later, it all made sense.  Somehow it felt good knowing her inner wisdom had always been with her protecting her in his own way.

Photo: "77 Sunset Strip" was a popular television series about a private investigative firm which aired in the late 50s.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

CD: Treasures

Carpe Diem #248   ~ Inner Beauty

Photo Source

those who take the time
to look beyond the faรงade ~
treasures to behold

The Whole Truth


La Tonya started her own topic to share a confession. Though many in real life know this about me, this is a brave new world and I've been dipping my toes into the water but never really saying THIS IS ME.

My being aches to scream the truth. I try to fictionalize. I use different names but they are all me. My truth is ugly. People don't want to know such things about our government. It's too evil to hurt children so look the other way. My novel is my real life story with some fiction to fill in the unknown/unproved blanks although many blanks are filled in by researched history. Click click falls into place. My amnesia completing a story that never completely came out of my head, but enough did. And I know so many other survivors of the same or similar program. My life is like a science fiction movie. Everything can be googled. Much is now declassified. But it's still not okay. I am MacKenzie. I am Libby. My f*ther is Elias. I write to be heard...or try to be heard. Haiku has helped me find a place of peace but still the past leaks through even in that form. Will others still want to know me if that is my truth?