Tuesday, June 24, 2014

dVerse: Shattering & Rebuilding...Constantly

dVerse: Poetics ~ Shattering the World and Rebuilding It

Polyvore by Grace2244...Shattered But Hopeful

i've dealt with parts of me
wanting to kill me before
for years it was a puzzle-like process
but no active attempt on my life
i had one close encounter in 2011

this year is testing my will
from every conceivable angle
an overdose in march
scissors too dull to cut my arm
sent me into a safe treatment facility

most don't understand dissociation
and having parts
and who would want to understand?
my healing has lead to miracles
last year in sedona
to wrestling myself for my life this year

two weeks undid the majority of the parts
(got them into healing)
though i thought i got it all.
soon after i got home
i discovered a straggler
and used my new skills to resolve
the part's hellbent goal to kill the body
so proud i was of my accomplishment

yet two days ago, i stumbled on a box cutter
in the drawer
someone else previously unknown
took over
thank goodness for dull blades in my home
while running it along my arm veins
i was screaming for help to my husband
it's tough to ask for help 
when another part is fixated on death

i figured out who the part was 
after my husband came to the rescue
calls to therapist and appointments made
the experts said they can never know
how many more times harm parts will surface
or how long this current "script" will be running

my internal world has shattered several times
and i've rebuilt each time
coming out a bit stronger
i thought i'd met my match two days ago
no one (or very few) understand this evil
that began when i was preverbal
and still impacts me today
decades later

i'm fighting
i'm trying 
battling to stay alive
before my strength becomes less
than theirs
i believe in angels
there must be angels
i should be dead

doom and gloom in writing
my world is mostly dark
but it's the light that makes it

Thank you for this prompt. Sorry if too graphic for some.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

dVerse: Written Words to Live

dVerse: Meeting the Bar ~ When Words Fail

Polyvore by grace2244

my answers used to come
through collages
and internal discussion
the written word was not necessary

the first time i overdosed
following my perp father's death
was not me
it was one of me
it came undone with hypnosis
and collages
it never occurred to me
it would happen again

last month, two years later,
i overdosed at the same time
after believing i had fully healed
the anniversary of his death
set a suicidal part off 
and when pills didn't work
a second time
the images in my head
terrified me

i was fortunate to be admitted
fairly quickly into a
trauma treatment center
where i learned that written words
were needed to reach
the harm parts
the old way wasn't working
they taught me a new way

am feeling safe again
all unsafe parts are in healing
or transformed
i have the skills now 
to recognize much earlier
when i need to write my way
to reach the ones who might
overwhelm me with harm messages
or take over and end my life
no expert knows if/when it will happen again
so i must be prepared
regularly to ask inside

written words can save my life
writing, always a part of me,
yet never thought to try that 
to communicate
i feel armed
the pen is my sword
not to kill
but to heal

words must fall
upon the page
for me to live