Saturday, July 20, 2013

Who Am I Now?

My world has changed drastically since mid-May. I went from a mostly integrated multiple to a completely integrated person. I am what we multiples referred to as a singleton or monomind. I'm proof of healing from one of the most evil plans our government has intentionally created multiple to commit acts as commanded throughout life without memory of doing so. I rendered their blueprints for my own demise after memory a failure. It took 16 years with a 4 year reprieve when all appeared an intense 12 year journey.

Along with integration, my level of anxiety for journeying outside on my own went from an 8 to 10 (on a scale of 1 to 10) to a zero. Lack of energy still keeps me a bit alone but I've been much more active and don't need my husband to drive me everywhere.

What I call a shift in consciousness happened when I integrated. My mood shifted in addition to level of anxiety. With my psychiatrist, we made a plan for me to go off my antidepressants and that will happen in a few days.

My weekly therapy to deal with my fear of living is no longer necessary because the fear is gone. I no longer have a regularly scheduled monthly appointment to address DID issues, although my therapist is still there "as needed". No therapy. I was in therapy 15 years on and off before my amnesia began to leak in 1997. That's when therapy became my life...two to three times a week initially.

What remains of my 40 decades of trauma is leftover PTSD and oversensitivity to every day sounds/noises. I've been led to neurofeedback and will begin treatment after my third session of brain mapping next week. I've already seen how out of whack my brain waves are compared to normal and know my brain can learn how to calm down.

This is a new world yet I still am working on a way to tell my story...trying a new approach through a novel. No one believes my past anyway. Well some do. The general population does not and cannot or does not want to believe the evil in government. Although maybe the time is ripe at the moment.

The problem is that I've been a survivor whose live has been healing, with the exception of 2004-2007 when I was healed sufficiently to be a therapist...before my body crashed into disability status.

Now I'm a writer and the story still wants to be told. And I'm becoming more open than ever before about it. I have no idea what's normal for someone with an extraordinary (and not in a good way) life. I don't know how to be whatever normal is.

If feel I still have a need to continue to educate about the horror of the government underground through my writing. Outside of that and caring for my garden and enjoying my husband, home, and pets. I'm feeling like a fish out of water.

I also had a brain mapping session today and my brain got overly stimulated in trying to pinpoint the exact strength of light to use in my treatment. As a result I feel a bit weirded out but have written profusely today, all things considered. My final DID blog post completed today. And spilling my guts here.

Who am I now? I really don't know. I'm a survivor but healed. I do believe I survived to educate. All I feel I can do in that endeavor is write. And live to travel with my husband. Enjoying life...still in training.


  1. I am not sure I know what normal is. My life was traumatized by childhood sexual abuse and for so many years I didn't know how to live without terror. I am so glad you are healing. By all means write your book. There are many of us who will read it. Enjoy each moment traveling. Peace.

    1. Bless you for reading my self thoughts and thank you for sharing. Far too many survivors of childhood sexual trauma. I knew terror for several years...sheer terror in remembering. It's an awful way to live. I do hope you have a confidante to process. Safe hugs, Susie.

  2. write your story...i am sure there are those that will read it...and this shed a bit more light on that haiku from yesterday....wont take much to convince me the evils of government

    1. Thank you for stopping by, Brian. Am sorry I didn't comment before now. Fighting all kinds of dizziness for several weeks now. Yes, evil govt already not liking my book and letting me know.