Monday, December 31, 2012

A Moment

Yesterday I had an emotional moment connected to nothing in particular. Huge wave of grief, pain, regret. Coming to terms or realizing never coming to terms with an amnestic past. I will never know fully accurately what my life was for the first 44 years. Now we enter a new year. Always a time for reassessing and contemplation. I've made goals...things to work on to be more of a social and happy person. New life as Maggie Married Lady with loving husband who loves Italy and France and wherever our next vacation will take us. Newness to embrace. It's the letting go that's so difficult.

Moving Towards or Away?

Friday, December 28, 2012

Peeking Inside

I become obsessive or addicted to games which occupy my time while I'm "busy" being lethargic. Since September, the obsession became iPhone sudoku. I was married in July. That was going to be my start of change. I was able to do just enough exercise to be semi-okay during our two week honeymoon in France. I swore we would walk at least a mile each day when we got home. That never happened. After several weeks of recuperating from France by doing nothing, I continued to do nothing. Although I kept thinking of starting yoga, returning to the pool once a week, visiting friends again, I did nothing. I managed to attend four of six weekly exercise classes before Christmas. Other than that I had a change in my life.

For a number of reasons, I had to find a new therapist who specialized in my brand of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) to continue that work as needed. My therapist of nearly 13 years is preparing to retire and reducing her hours. The new therapist is wonderful and she has helped me twice now. Another change was I began to see a male therapist every two weeks for life issues. My seeming inability to move off my sofa issue. My mind blocks to drumming and visiting friends which I love and aversion to exercise even though I know yoga is very doable. Since seeing him, I did join a one-time drum circle and today I managed to finally do one of my several yoga DVDs. I have only seen one of those DVDs since acquiring them about five years ago.

Movement...physical and mental. Ever so slightly. Coming out of the shell I've been in since 2007 won't be easy. But the last month of 2012 is giving me hope. Having  a special place to write of this journey is movement. Flow. A gentle pulse forward into the universe.