Friday, September 26, 2014

CD: Leezard*

Carpe Diem "Little Creatures #6 ~ Lizard




Photo by Brian Beam, 2005 Volastra, Cinque Terre, Italy




atop the mountain
breakfast overlooking sea
while lizard watches

~

silently watching
lizard on flower pot edge
bids us good morning



*The title refers to what we have called the lizard with our "Italian" accent.



Sunday, September 21, 2014

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

dVerse: No to Death

dVerse: Poetics ~ Darkness to Light



stepping into free fall
of the abyss
my mind floats to peace
freedom
sparing the ones i love
from my burden
no more pain
for me

coming to in the ER
i see his face strained with
fear and tension
a look that still lingers
i've hurt him
not what i intended
i'd hoped to set him free too

multiple attempts at my own life
this year
each a worse method than before
the parts of me wanting me dead
i choose to outsmart them
by choosing my own way ~
the only control i feel i have

healing is traumatic
i wanted to die
each conflict feels like a hell
i shouldn't be alive to have to face it
yet the moments come
the aha moments that strike
like lightening
silence my being 
as i listen to the echoes of them
make connections throughout
my mind
the enormity of the message
driving me toward my demise

i fight/fought so hard to be safe in life
i was finding happiness in ways
i had not found before
at the height of the happiness
i'm swallowed up by death
because the message running through me
is "life is unsafe"
my loyal parts are trying to "save me" from life

my father's death triggered a message
designed for me to kill myself
it's conscious now
i can untwist the message
and all related meanings
i can be truly safe
understanding the double language

i'm glad to have survived
to gain this new essential insight
into what drove my being
i choose now to say no to death
to say yes to love
and happiness
he lost this war

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

dVerse: Does Death Have A Voice?

dVerse: Poetics DMT



Hand Me Downs, Polyvore by grace2244


no drugs necessary for self talk
when others exist within
tho drugs often desired
to battle the trauma 
that created my selves

my life this year has been 
life or death
a constant mind battle
craving a mind meld in favor of life
yet trying not to cut too deeply
to keep other me from
having her way

at first me vs. them
(the perpetrators within)
wishing & pursuing my death
now advanced to seemingly
one me...two minds
half life...half craving death

working to change the balance
in my favor
always wondering if she
will completely take over
and they will win...finally

day to day
i wonder if i will be alive
to see the next morning
more coping skills
exhausting & draining
withdrawn from what i knew
who am i becoming?
who will be speaking in my stead?
will there be another
or is this the end

my dream today is to live
til this weekend
to have dinner with friends
short term goals
crawling
wanting this era of my life
to be over
whatever that means

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

dVerse: Shattering & Rebuilding...Constantly

dVerse: Poetics ~ Shattering the World and Rebuilding It



Polyvore by Grace2244...Shattered But Hopeful





i've dealt with parts of me
wanting to kill me before
for years it was a puzzle-like process
but no active attempt on my life
i had one close encounter in 2011

this year is testing my will
from every conceivable angle
an overdose in march
scissors too dull to cut my arm
sent me into a safe treatment facility

most don't understand dissociation
and having parts
and who would want to understand?
my healing has lead to miracles
last year in sedona
to wrestling myself for my life this year

two weeks undid the majority of the parts
(got them into healing)
though i thought i got it all.
soon after i got home
i discovered a straggler
and used my new skills to resolve
the part's hellbent goal to kill the body
so proud i was of my accomplishment

yet two days ago, i stumbled on a box cutter
in the drawer
someone else previously unknown
took over
thank goodness for dull blades in my home
while running it along my arm veins
i was screaming for help to my husband
it's tough to ask for help 
when another part is fixated on death

i figured out who the part was 
after my husband came to the rescue
calls to therapist and appointments made
the experts said they can never know
how many more times harm parts will surface
or how long this current "script" will be running

my internal world has shattered several times
and i've rebuilt each time
coming out a bit stronger
i thought i'd met my match two days ago
no one (or very few) understand this evil
that began when i was preverbal
and still impacts me today
decades later

i'm fighting
i'm trying 
battling to stay alive
before my strength becomes less
than theirs
i believe in angels
there must be angels
i should be dead

doom and gloom in writing
yes...always 
my world is mostly dark
but it's the light that makes it
worthwhile 


Thank you for this prompt. Sorry if too graphic for some.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

dVerse: Written Words to Live

dVerse: Meeting the Bar ~ When Words Fail




Polyvore by grace2244





my answers used to come
through collages
and internal discussion
the written word was not necessary

the first time i overdosed
following my perp father's death
was not me
it was one of me
it came undone with hypnosis
and collages
it never occurred to me
it would happen again

last month, two years later,
i overdosed at the same time
after believing i had fully healed
the anniversary of his death
set a suicidal part off 
and when pills didn't work
a second time
the images in my head
terrified me

i was fortunate to be admitted
fairly quickly into a
trauma treatment center
where i learned that written words
were needed to reach
the harm parts
the old way wasn't working
they taught me a new way

am feeling safe again
all unsafe parts are in healing
or transformed
i have the skills now 
to recognize much earlier
when i need to write my way
to reach the ones who might
overwhelm me with harm messages
or take over and end my life
no expert knows if/when it will happen again
so i must be prepared
regularly to ask inside

written words can save my life
writing, always a part of me,
yet never thought to try that 
to communicate
i feel armed
the pen is my sword
not to kill
but to heal

words must fall
upon the page
for me to live



Wednesday, May 14, 2014

dVerse: Stayin' Alive

dVerse: Question of Identity





Polyvore by grace2244





















i thought i knew who i was
who i loved
what i wanted
but then it all changed
my life in a moment
stripped me of any knowledge
or identity previously known

only be getting unstuck 
from the muck of stolen memory
did i come to know of me
and the multiplicity of me
coming out of the tarpit
i found a new life
a new love
a new way of being

the second blow of 
body falling apart
took back my life's new direction
but my love stayed
he is now my husband

what remains are my remnants
of trauma
that threaten my existence
more than i care to admit
what holds me together
is my life with my husband
and our dog
and our dreams

but first must get past
current barrage of parts of me
hellbent on death
waiting waiting for help
to keep me alive

Thursday, April 24, 2014

dVerse: On the Verge

dVerse: Poetic Journalism



Apple's Solar Farm













windmills in france
atop the hills
me not understanding
our country's will

apple has made the move
to reduce carbon footprint
acres of solar panels
so easy to implement

could this be the start
of the large firms
to change the destiny
of world on the verge






Thursday, April 17, 2014

dVerse: Topiary

dVerse: Self Portrait




Topiary ~ Collage Art by grace2244


this was me a few years ago
when i was healing
now it's me again
falling apart
trying not to
trying to find strength
when parts want to die
 my circle of life

i know i'm feminine
and love pink
but my head is still a blur
and i'm entwined in
all the evil of my past
me trying to turn weeds
into beautiful thriving flowers

i cut the pink dress
to put into this conglomeration
because
that's how i knew it was me

wanting to grow out of the past
wanting to embrace the future
wondering how i will do that
when unseen vines
keep pulling me down

 

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

CD: Companionship

Carpe Diem ~ Companionship



Photo by Brian Beam














companionship ~
missing the journey
of my haiku friends


***

puppy on my lap
her priceless companionship
brings me such joy


dVerse: Totems

dVerse: Poetics ~ Animal Symbolism



Image Source















what is your totem animal?
i used to think such things gimmicky
until i came to understand
the presence of certain animals
birds, dragonflies, fish
to have meaning
in the overall scheme of things
called synchronicity

in Sedona, i saw hummingbirds
for the first time ever
my first morning
out the window while having
a healing massage
later in the day
a hummingbird crossed my path
while hiking on the mountain trail
after a chakra cleanse
back at the hotel
google: hummingbirds

ravens were a totem 
throughout my healing
sometimes bluejays and cardinals
crossed my path several times
in close proximity
my compass in life 
is sometimes marked
by nature's signs

i have learned to heed
the universe
and all it offers
to lead us out of our darkness
and into the healing light
of living


Thursday, March 20, 2014

dVerse: Darth Vader-Evil

dVerse: Kennings ~ Coin A Term




Polyvore by grace2244
























MK-Ultra
the government's mind control program
with 83 sub-projects
called umbrella programs
that drugged children,
students, prisoners,
other unwitting victims
just to see what would happen
and more sadistic programs

could a child be developed 
as a secret agent
highly skilled
in many areas
without her knowledge
through predetermined
trauma-based dissociation
beginning at birth

a child built like a computer
to operate on cues, codes, signals,
programs upon programs
complete with self-destruct button(s)
call out dissociated personalities
with a particular skill
use them in a mission
and send them back to sleep mode
without even a flicker of radar
in the conscious child's brain?

what term can be used 
to describe this kind of program
an umbrella is too innocent 
to serve as a cover up
Darth Vader-evil imposed upon
innocents to serve our country

by whom?
the CIA
an underground CIA
something called the CIA but is not
at what level of government
is this Darth Vader-evil
that no one wants to see
or acknowledge

tick tick tick...


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

dVerse: Waiting to Blossom

dVerse: Poetics ~ Color Me Spring







Art by Sunita Khedekar


how i yearn for spring
eternally
to find the buds within
ready to open to life
and see color
bright, vivid, happy
feel the winds
the lion of march
the lamb of april
the warm sun
beaming down 
soaked up by face & body
FELT
for the first time
outside of hiding
adults directly from the womb
of amnesia
buds in waiting
for their time
to fully blossom

                                                                                                                 

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

dVerse: Edges

dVerse: Poetics ~ Micro/Macro




Photo by Shanyn


always on the edge of sanity
one step from free fall
into relapse
or on the brink of happiness
longing to be sure-footed

  


 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

CD: Every Day Wish

Carpe Diem ~ Iwaya-ji




seven days a buddha
an every day wish for peace
~ serenity

dVerse: BAM

dVerse: Poetic Evolution


Polyvore by Maggie Grace


















at age 7 i wrote of death
at 61 still writing of death
almost 20 years of healing
no fully/mostly conscious life
until my 40s
thought i had healed PERIOD
last year
and BAM
handfuls of pills
back into therapy

the evolution has been external
left a marriage where my need to heal
was unacknowledged
12 years with a loving man
who supported me from multiplicity
through several integrations
and an attempted suicide
we married a year later

he was with me last week
when second suicide attempt failed
knowing it wasn't "me" taking the pills
my circle of friends
real and virtual
has evolved in a beautiful
and unexpected way

i write my life
dVerse has helped me evolve
in expression and support
thankful you chose to continue


Sunday, March 2, 2014

CD: Empty Heart

Carpe Diem ~ Emptiness



Polyvore by Maggie Grace





how empty the heart
too full to accept love
empty space leaves hope




Saturday, March 1, 2014

dVerse: Invisibles

dVerse: Poetics ~ Invisibility



Polyvore by Maggie Grace





growing up invisible
not seen...unheard
not allowed to be a me

a lifetime filled
with an invisible world
invisible mes
known only to "them"
while conscious me
the quiet one
afraid to speak up

when the invisibles of me
became known
healing began for what
no one could see
nor would i want them to see

recently learned there is no end
to the healing...to the invisibles
someone new with me now
letting her feel acceptance and love
offering her a new home
a new space in my mind
my invisible world


Tuesday, February 25, 2014

dVerse: I Overdosed

dVerse: OpenLinkNight



i overdosed on 2/22
not because my life was too hard
it's been heaven comparatively
since last May's integration
a part of me surfaced near
Valentine's Day
carrying death messages
which I avoided through 2/14
i was fine on 2/15
thought it was over

my mind hasn't been on healing
from dissociative parts
for so long, it seems
normally i would have called
for help when the part appeared
but thought i had handled it

husband went out for a few hours
on 2/22
i thought my thoughts were mine
felt like me convincing myself
all would be better without me
i took as many pills as i could
plus two drinks of alcohol
(not something part of my regular routine)
i was still awake when husband returned
but it was my nap time

a few hours later
after no sleep
and realizing i wan't going to die
i told him
was dizzy and body was shaking
wanted to wait until morning

called therapist first thing
she said go to ER for medical impact
was there all day
no drugs showed up in tests
a DID "trick" ~ body registers
what it was "told" to do
three social workers and a
call to my therapist
allowed me to go home

doing okay
had therapy session
and another for monday
dizziness is lessened today
am almost functioning
didn't sleep as much
happy to be here
with husband and puppy

DID from birth
no total healing
must be on guard for
any activity internally
i could have killed myself
and it would have appeared
that's what i wanted

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

dVerse: If I Give My Heart...I Die

dVerse: OpenLinkNight ~ Valentine's Day



not a gift
a surprise
thought my healing
ended the
death dates
the internal messages
of the manner of death

it started the night
of the 12th
2...14...2.....14
"a good day to die"
always dates with double digits
triple digits stronger
a holiday with a full moon
they wanted me to die
by my own hand

"suicided" is their preferred
method of death
no "hands on" needed
just overwhelming messages
to die
and a specific manner

keeping their message separate
from my own thoughts
can be tricky
i hid in bed
away from the pills
reliving my death sequence
until it stopped
the day after

despair that something
can still get through
with that strength
wondering when 
my own mind
will turn against me
again


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

CD: Along The Way

Carpe Diem ~ Jorakuji (Temple 14)

 

find inner wisdom
connection to universe
along the way

***

listen with the heart
feel with the enlightened mind
that finds you blindly

 

Saturday, February 8, 2014

dVerse: Sunflower Lily Pads

dVerse: Poetics ~ Sketchbook...In The Moment



Polyvore by Grace Beam



dreaming of the sea
and fields of sunflowers
so i float along the sea 
on a sunflower lily pad
loving the sun on my face
the breeze of the ocean
the sound of the waves
soft lapping against the boat

i watch you on the shore
as i float along
magic bubbles carry colorful fish
across the sky
while seagulls dive
for sunflower seeds

secure in our love
knowing you are there
while i am here
in the magic of my mind



Friday, February 7, 2014

CD: Finding The Way

Carpe Diem ~ Pilgrimage




Polyvore by Grace2244



voice of sedona
calls to my inner wisdom
follow to find oneness

 ***

trek along 'the way'
enlightenment follows
when least expected 





Tuesday, February 4, 2014

dVerse: Death Defying


dVerse: OpenLinkNight




Polyvore by Grace Beam


his death three years ago
i should be clicking my heels
why the dark thoughts and feelings?

back to the drawing board
literally
process feelings with images
death with someone peeking through

after completing the art
i realize it is my internalized mother part
looking at me

diluted programming
still notice the message to join "him"
since integrating
i don't believe any former part
can act alone
but the feeling sucks

once again my desire
to celebrate his passing
is quashed by the brainwashing
of my past

proof the haunting continues
trying not to give it merit
yet must acknowledge
the grief my mother part
is feeling deeply

bonded to the abuser
stockholm syndrome
lives on after death
reaching me from his hell






Saturday, February 1, 2014

dVerse: Who Am I

dVerse: Poetics ~ Repetition






Polyvore by Grace2244


 















who am i
egg & sperm combined
for a sinister government program

who am i
that the woman who was
my egg mother
turned me away the moment
i remembered being molested
and honored the "father's" wishes
to pronounce me dead

who am i
that in his obituary
it was decided
my name would not be listed
as a daughter
absolving him of all
responsibility

who am i
that he was not my birth father
but only the one meant
to maintain the terror and abuse
a pact with the devil 
before my conception

who am i
soon to be answered
in some sense
validated that it was her egg
awaiting the results
to see if sperm donor
is the answer received
from the universe

somehow i would be happy
to know i did not come
from the "father"
who died 2/4/2011
a day after his birthday
always the day after
groundhog day

i like to think the sperm donor
was the one whose birthdate
held my numbers
born the 24th in 1924
the secret royal sperm bank
i dream of having been born
to that family instead
far from the cruel inhumanity
hidden as a "special" possession

my life circling around
like the movie
again and again
always landing on
who am i
but also knowing
the answer
no one would believe
who i am


Wednesday, January 29, 2014

dVerse: Most Likely

dVerse: OpenLinkNight


most likely to succeed
i cringe each time i think of it
class speaker
honors graduate
no scholarships
because i wanted only 
to join the service
one half inch too small
for the army
tossed out into the work world

two years later enlisted 
in air force
somehow cheating the one half inch
russian language school
later to be used to spy
on russian pilots
by eavesdropping from NSA
but i rebelled at that secret
of the job
thought i was to be an interpreter
out early on post-vietnam release

failed marriages
never reaching my career goals
not knowing a puppetmaster
directed me wherever i went
had what i thought was a good career
it was enough and i was happy
then all began to unravel
outside and inside

amnesia began to fail
and falling apart at work
sent up all kinds of flairs
since a puppetmaster was
a VP at work
terror and trying to hold it together
as long as i could
finally separated from work world
a world that had always been guided
against my knowledge and will

felt redeemed as a therapist
but that fell apart with my body
most likely to succeed
such an inadequate feeling



Tuesday, January 28, 2014

CD: Soul Raven

Carpe Diem ~ Flight of the Eagle




spirit emerges
raven travels to ancestors
flees confines of body

***

voice within urges
journey to red canyon
raven soars free


Sunday, January 26, 2014

Holding On

Image Source





60 Minutes
mental illness
emotional disorders
lack of psychiatrists
lack of beds in psychiatric facilities
long waits to get help
so few trained trauma therapists

i've lived through the system
i've hung on waiting for a bed
trying not to kill myself
after dissociatively overdosing

have been a therapist
when a highly suicidal client
had to wait weeks to be admitted
for proper care

my disorder was dissociation
most medical schools 
don't teach doctors about it
many therapists and counseling programs
avoid it, disavow it, or choose not to see it

incest is more acceptable
yet many victims of incest
who were pre-school age
did dissociate
one in four women a victim
how many of those were
young enough to dissociate
the numbers realistically
have to be extremely high

a known suicidal person
cannot be hospitalized
in a medical hospital
it's all about beds
no effin beds
to save a life

where are the rich ones
aware of this need
to help?

60 Minutes
a senator's son
he screams out
on deaf ears
even he cannot make
a change

how do you tell someone
to hang on to life
when no one is there
to help them do it?

my life has been hanging on
for the most part
integration and marriage
a new puppy have helped
yet today i feel depressed
for no known reason
thoughts of suicide
who would miss me

and round it goes