dVerse: Poetics
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| Polyvore by Grace |
a blur between my known reality
and what was my life
is all i know
no beautiful mirages
unseen offerings of gelato
in the heat of summer
i lived a life i did not know
that began to leak through
in my forties
like a daydream
playing out so vividly
with mindblowing emotions
for something i did not
know or recognize
but not a daydream
nightmares
mini nightmares
when it first began
flashbacks
that were not my own
what was real?
was it real?
was my unknown truth
dist...ort...ed?
or was it really that
INTENSE
my every day
once amnesia broke
was a constant struggle
of what was/is real
is it still happening?
how do you know
you have amnesia
if you have
amnesia?
I have healed from the "falling apart" that came with amnesia leaking. But it was one wild scary ride for about a decade.
I am glad to know that you are feeling better.
ReplyDeleteAnd what a shocking and truthful take on the prompt.. I loved the rawness of your words.
Amnesia sounds really frightening. This period of time in your life must have been very difficult. You wrote it well., and I think I GET IT!
ReplyDeleteRecent enough that you can convey it vividly. Your last line is startling and unanswerable. What an incredible experience! I'm glad you are out the other side now.
ReplyDeletewow...how honest...the coming back from amnesia has to be hard, esp when you have established a new life...and now it, the old is invading...hard to wrap my brain around, but...i am glad you are on the back side of it...
ReplyDeleteInteresting poem. Interesting question.>KB
ReplyDeleteThank you all for reading and commenting. Still have huge chunk of that part of my life in my subconscious but know enough apparently...for now. I pray it's enough. Life only gets trapped like that in early childhood...by age 6. So it's not pretty when it comes out. That last line is something I kept asking myself when it happened. Startling. What life did I live? It did interrupt my last marriage, Brian. But new husband knew me when I was in parts and stayed with me through the healing. Tough on the spouse...not part of the deal, I guess.
ReplyDeleteMaggie, love that image of life leaking through. Also a really interesting question at the end: How do you know you have amnesia if you have amnesia. It almost has a koan-like quality. Painful and well done.
ReplyDeleteI'd just echo what everyone else said and add that your photo adds another layer--that through the confusion, there is still beauty and color.
ReplyDeleteThose emotions had to be mind blowing...leaking through in your 40's..oh my! You managed to take us with you as you recalled the moments; the photo illustrates how deeply you feel..
ReplyDeleteThank you, Katy. Your comment slipped in as I was posting. There are many like me and the statistics had that childhood amnesia starting to leak between ages 35 and 45. It was so accurate. Things seem to have shifted since the early 2000s to younger. A hidden awful childhood can ruin someone's life...peak career years. Life altering for sure.
DeleteThank you, Mary and writing, for your comments and for liking the art. Art therapy was always part of my healing so my perspective of both worlds colliding or looking through the haze was often shown in my work. Was nice to be able to dig one of my works out.
ReplyDeletehow do you know
ReplyDeleteyou have amnesia
if you have
amnesia?
Yes, wondering how that can be? But somehow it has a way of ridding itself. Great that it worked for you Maggie!
Hank
That came together really well! I've have been around Maggie Grace just not posting much lately. Great to stop by though
ReplyDeleteoh heck maggie grace... this just took the floor away under my feet a bit... so tough when things like this happen...when the body tries to forget and parts of that memories pop up to the surface after a long time and invade the new life...ugh... really an honest and brave write
ReplyDeleteSo well written on how you felt and still feel.. Well captured in word and in art. Really strong and I'm so glad you are on the way to be better.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Björn. I lived in a world where my friends were like me for quite a while because we all understood each other. Explaining...coming out...as a person with this behind me...is a bit scary but everyone here so accepting. Am glad to be here too to be part of this community...the one wherever I go, there you are :) Thanks to you. I had a rather normal day today and am feeling so proud of myself.
Deletebeautiful and scary.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I want to experience this. Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteThis was one hell of a ride and your picture illustrates the confusion and disjointedness. Blessings Maggie.
ReplyDeleteGoodness, what a frightening experience it must have been! Very bravely written - a change indeed from the slow, idyllic pace of gelato in the sun!
ReplyDeleteScary. Very scary. This is a haunting, touching write. You have to own the awful things, the things that scare the life out of you, to heal and to live. You owned the hell out of this. -Mike
ReplyDeleteThanks Mike. Yes, it was a wild ride to write it and thank you thank you thank you. I do own it finally. It's who I was but not who I am. I'm a writer just trying to be normal. My greatest wish is to stop writing about the past though. Maybe one day.
DeleteTwo words of wisdom that came to mind, take them if you like: 1) What is normal, anyway? All you can be is you. 2) You can only write knowingly about the past because the future isn't yet set. Look at me, all philosopher tonight. haha. Anyway, you're welcome. And despite what I said, I understand what you mean. =)
ReplyDelete