Friday, September 26, 2014

CD: Leezard*

Carpe Diem "Little Creatures #6 ~ Lizard

Photo by Brian Beam, 2005 Volastra, Cinque Terre, Italy

atop the mountain
breakfast overlooking sea
while lizard watches


silently watching
lizard on flower pot edge
bids us good morning

*The title refers to what we have called the lizard with our "Italian" accent.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

dVerse: No to Death

dVerse: Poetics ~ Darkness to Light

stepping into free fall
of the abyss
my mind floats to peace
sparing the ones i love
from my burden
no more pain
for me

coming to in the ER
i see his face strained with
fear and tension
a look that still lingers
i've hurt him
not what i intended
i'd hoped to set him free too

multiple attempts at my own life
this year
each a worse method than before
the parts of me wanting me dead
i choose to outsmart them
by choosing my own way ~
the only control i feel i have

healing is traumatic
i wanted to die
each conflict feels like a hell
i shouldn't be alive to have to face it
yet the moments come
the aha moments that strike
like lightening
silence my being 
as i listen to the echoes of them
make connections throughout
my mind
the enormity of the message
driving me toward my demise

i fight/fought so hard to be safe in life
i was finding happiness in ways
i had not found before
at the height of the happiness
i'm swallowed up by death
because the message running through me
is "life is unsafe"
my loyal parts are trying to "save me" from life

my father's death triggered a message
designed for me to kill myself
it's conscious now
i can untwist the message
and all related meanings
i can be truly safe
understanding the double language

i'm glad to have survived
to gain this new essential insight
into what drove my being
i choose now to say no to death
to say yes to love
and happiness
he lost this war

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

dVerse: Does Death Have A Voice?

dVerse: Poetics DMT

Hand Me Downs, Polyvore by grace2244

no drugs necessary for self talk
when others exist within
tho drugs often desired
to battle the trauma 
that created my selves

my life this year has been 
life or death
a constant mind battle
craving a mind meld in favor of life
yet trying not to cut too deeply
to keep other me from
having her way

at first me vs. them
(the perpetrators within)
wishing & pursuing my death
now advanced to seemingly
one me...two minds
half life...half craving death

working to change the balance
in my favor
always wondering if she
will completely take over
and they will win...finally

day to day
i wonder if i will be alive
to see the next morning
more coping skills
exhausting & draining
withdrawn from what i knew
who am i becoming?
who will be speaking in my stead?
will there be another
or is this the end

my dream today is to live
til this weekend
to have dinner with friends
short term goals
wanting this era of my life
to be over
whatever that means

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

dVerse: Shattering & Rebuilding...Constantly

dVerse: Poetics ~ Shattering the World and Rebuilding It

Polyvore by Grace2244...Shattered But Hopeful

i've dealt with parts of me
wanting to kill me before
for years it was a puzzle-like process
but no active attempt on my life
i had one close encounter in 2011

this year is testing my will
from every conceivable angle
an overdose in march
scissors too dull to cut my arm
sent me into a safe treatment facility

most don't understand dissociation
and having parts
and who would want to understand?
my healing has lead to miracles
last year in sedona
to wrestling myself for my life this year

two weeks undid the majority of the parts
(got them into healing)
though i thought i got it all.
soon after i got home
i discovered a straggler
and used my new skills to resolve
the part's hellbent goal to kill the body
so proud i was of my accomplishment

yet two days ago, i stumbled on a box cutter
in the drawer
someone else previously unknown
took over
thank goodness for dull blades in my home
while running it along my arm veins
i was screaming for help to my husband
it's tough to ask for help 
when another part is fixated on death

i figured out who the part was 
after my husband came to the rescue
calls to therapist and appointments made
the experts said they can never know
how many more times harm parts will surface
or how long this current "script" will be running

my internal world has shattered several times
and i've rebuilt each time
coming out a bit stronger
i thought i'd met my match two days ago
no one (or very few) understand this evil
that began when i was preverbal
and still impacts me today
decades later

i'm fighting
i'm trying 
battling to stay alive
before my strength becomes less
than theirs
i believe in angels
there must be angels
i should be dead

doom and gloom in writing
my world is mostly dark
but it's the light that makes it

Thank you for this prompt. Sorry if too graphic for some.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

dVerse: Written Words to Live

dVerse: Meeting the Bar ~ When Words Fail

Polyvore by grace2244

my answers used to come
through collages
and internal discussion
the written word was not necessary

the first time i overdosed
following my perp father's death
was not me
it was one of me
it came undone with hypnosis
and collages
it never occurred to me
it would happen again

last month, two years later,
i overdosed at the same time
after believing i had fully healed
the anniversary of his death
set a suicidal part off 
and when pills didn't work
a second time
the images in my head
terrified me

i was fortunate to be admitted
fairly quickly into a
trauma treatment center
where i learned that written words
were needed to reach
the harm parts
the old way wasn't working
they taught me a new way

am feeling safe again
all unsafe parts are in healing
or transformed
i have the skills now 
to recognize much earlier
when i need to write my way
to reach the ones who might
overwhelm me with harm messages
or take over and end my life
no expert knows if/when it will happen again
so i must be prepared
regularly to ask inside

written words can save my life
writing, always a part of me,
yet never thought to try that 
to communicate
i feel armed
the pen is my sword
not to kill
but to heal

words must fall
upon the page
for me to live

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

dVerse: Stayin' Alive

dVerse: Question of Identity

Polyvore by grace2244

i thought i knew who i was
who i loved
what i wanted
but then it all changed
my life in a moment
stripped me of any knowledge
or identity previously known

only be getting unstuck 
from the muck of stolen memory
did i come to know of me
and the multiplicity of me
coming out of the tarpit
i found a new life
a new love
a new way of being

the second blow of 
body falling apart
took back my life's new direction
but my love stayed
he is now my husband

what remains are my remnants
of trauma
that threaten my existence
more than i care to admit
what holds me together
is my life with my husband
and our dog
and our dreams

but first must get past
current barrage of parts of me
hellbent on death
waiting waiting for help
to keep me alive

Thursday, April 24, 2014

dVerse: On the Verge

dVerse: Poetic Journalism

Apple's Solar Farm

windmills in france
atop the hills
me not understanding
our country's will

apple has made the move
to reduce carbon footprint
acres of solar panels
so easy to implement

could this be the start
of the large firms
to change the destiny
of world on the verge

Thursday, April 17, 2014

dVerse: Topiary

dVerse: Self Portrait

Topiary ~ Collage Art by grace2244

this was me a few years ago
when i was healing
now it's me again
falling apart
trying not to
trying to find strength
when parts want to die
 my circle of life

i know i'm feminine
and love pink
but my head is still a blur
and i'm entwined in
all the evil of my past
me trying to turn weeds
into beautiful thriving flowers

i cut the pink dress
to put into this conglomeration
that's how i knew it was me

wanting to grow out of the past
wanting to embrace the future
wondering how i will do that
when unseen vines
keep pulling me down


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

CD: Companionship

Carpe Diem ~ Companionship

Photo by Brian Beam

companionship ~
missing the journey
of my haiku friends


puppy on my lap
her priceless companionship
brings me such joy

dVerse: Totems

dVerse: Poetics ~ Animal Symbolism

Image Source

what is your totem animal?
i used to think such things gimmicky
until i came to understand
the presence of certain animals
birds, dragonflies, fish
to have meaning
in the overall scheme of things
called synchronicity

in Sedona, i saw hummingbirds
for the first time ever
my first morning
out the window while having
a healing massage
later in the day
a hummingbird crossed my path
while hiking on the mountain trail
after a chakra cleanse
back at the hotel
google: hummingbirds

ravens were a totem 
throughout my healing
sometimes bluejays and cardinals
crossed my path several times
in close proximity
my compass in life 
is sometimes marked
by nature's signs

i have learned to heed
the universe
and all it offers
to lead us out of our darkness
and into the healing light
of living

Thursday, March 20, 2014

dVerse: Darth Vader-Evil

dVerse: Kennings ~ Coin A Term

Polyvore by grace2244

the government's mind control program
with 83 sub-projects
called umbrella programs
that drugged children,
students, prisoners,
other unwitting victims
just to see what would happen
and more sadistic programs

could a child be developed 
as a secret agent
highly skilled
in many areas
without her knowledge
through predetermined
trauma-based dissociation
beginning at birth

a child built like a computer
to operate on cues, codes, signals,
programs upon programs
complete with self-destruct button(s)
call out dissociated personalities
with a particular skill
use them in a mission
and send them back to sleep mode
without even a flicker of radar
in the conscious child's brain?

what term can be used 
to describe this kind of program
an umbrella is too innocent 
to serve as a cover up
Darth Vader-evil imposed upon
innocents to serve our country

by whom?
the CIA
an underground CIA
something called the CIA but is not
at what level of government
is this Darth Vader-evil
that no one wants to see
or acknowledge

tick tick tick...

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

dVerse: Waiting to Blossom

dVerse: Poetics ~ Color Me Spring

Art by Sunita Khedekar

how i yearn for spring
to find the buds within
ready to open to life
and see color
bright, vivid, happy
feel the winds
the lion of march
the lamb of april
the warm sun
beaming down 
soaked up by face & body
for the first time
outside of hiding
adults directly from the womb
of amnesia
buds in waiting
for their time
to fully blossom


Wednesday, March 12, 2014

dVerse: Edges

dVerse: Poetics ~ Micro/Macro

Photo by Shanyn

always on the edge of sanity
one step from free fall
into relapse
or on the brink of happiness
longing to be sure-footed



Tuesday, March 4, 2014

CD: Every Day Wish

Carpe Diem ~ Iwaya-ji

seven days a buddha
an every day wish for peace
~ serenity

dVerse: BAM

dVerse: Poetic Evolution

Polyvore by Maggie Grace

at age 7 i wrote of death
at 61 still writing of death
almost 20 years of healing
no fully/mostly conscious life
until my 40s
thought i had healed PERIOD
last year
and BAM
handfuls of pills
back into therapy

the evolution has been external
left a marriage where my need to heal
was unacknowledged
12 years with a loving man
who supported me from multiplicity
through several integrations
and an attempted suicide
we married a year later

he was with me last week
when second suicide attempt failed
knowing it wasn't "me" taking the pills
my circle of friends
real and virtual
has evolved in a beautiful
and unexpected way

i write my life
dVerse has helped me evolve
in expression and support
thankful you chose to continue