Saturday, August 31, 2013

It's Not Fair

my body, my temple
is crumbling
from the inside.
it has betrayed me.
i fought hard to heal
made a new life.
it gave me three years
then collapsed

a dozen surgeries
five to six years ago
and still the pain.
the fight to work
the weakened muscles
has beaten me down
time after time

i still think of me
as the gymnast
or hiking Italy 
just eight years ago
fit and healthy.
no back or knee pain
no weak muscles

it hurts to work
for it not to hurt.
tough motivation.
my body collapsed
and no one told me
it could happen.
why don't women know
their organs can

who decided
when i was born
it would be to
educate the world
about life's horrors?
still waiting for the joy.
daily happiness.
more than a fleeting moment
of peace

some joy each day
is all i want...
a pain free walk
wander a store
without hobbling...
without cursing 
how so much
sexual abuse
caused my pelvic floor
to finally collapse.

i've defeated multiplicity
i've defeated depression
but my body imprisons me.
a personal trainer?
if only i could afford
someone to coach me 
through the tears
of strengthening my back
of exercising my knees
of restoring activity
to all my muscles.

moving is my downfall.
my mind is healing
but the body is not.
my own fault for
not being strong enough
to bear the pain.
i've had enough pain
it's not fair
it's just not fair

i don't want to work so hard
to live
any more.
i want the pain fairy
in pink tutu and with wand
to visit me
and let me run 
through provence
next time i visit.
there has to be
a next time.

Trifecta: Bumble Bee

Trifextra: Week Eighty-Three



Photo Source

one lone bumble bee
hovering on salvia
inhaling purple

I'm so sorry to say my bee was found dead in the little pond in our garden today. I researched and saw they have a 4-6 week life span. Our bee was with us at least a month. I believe he had a happy life in our garden with the purple flowers. RIP, fat little bee.

CD: Painted Leaves

Carpe Diem #286

Risshuu (coming of autumn)

summer's heat melts paint
to brush autumn leaves palette 
nature's museum

dVerse: Got Life?

dVerse: Slogans

is it live or memorex
the slogan of my life
got milk?
i'm not lovin' it
a mind is a terrible thing to waste
which is why the government
shaped and prodded and divided
to make it
be all that it can be
like a good soldier

have it your way
was always a lie
even when i thought it was my way
Hertz might put you in the driver's seat
but you still have to Just Do It
or suffer the consequences

not maybe...
i was born with it
to take a licking 
and keep on ticking
but i broke and healed
and i'm worth it
but life still sucks
and where's that slogan?
Met life? No...where is it?

dVerse: Snap Out of It!

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

get over it
this too shall pass
don't look back...
   just keep moving forward
snap out of it

does not apply
when trauma has encased the brain
the mind must release the trauma
by reliving it
in a safe environment
it releases after honoring the pain
acknowledging the horror
healing happens afterwards

to hide it away
is for another's comfort
not for self-healing
heal thyself is true
with a therapist please
no one WANTS to remember
to relive
but do not deny
the healing and peace
that follows

when there are no good memories
when life is at an impasse because
   of the memories
going back to heal
is the only way

my way or the highway
feel free to zoom along
i'll lag behind and heal
  my wounded soul

Soul: play Kia music and show gangsta hamsters in car

Thursday, August 29, 2013

CD: Climb The Stars

Carpe Diem #284 ~ Endless Skies

cloudless endless skies
climb the stars through galaxies
lost to find myself 


dVerse: Editing the Meds

dVerse: Editing

Image Source

side effect: possible hostility
i read the day after he says
"what is WRONG with you today?!"
yes, it feels like hostility
insurance nixed the brand name
reaction to generic
off i go
pray my sinuses don't collapse
maybe the natural stuff
will be okay

withdrawal still in full force
at a mere fraction of original dose
every doctor tells me
"going off an antidepressant is tough"
no sh*t, sherlock
i'm living it every day
since i made the decision
i was happy enough to stop

but i'm growling
between the generic sinus
and frustration with withdrawal
am ready to throw in the towel
what my husband calls my
"thumper voice"
is now Bullwinkle's
"oops, wrong hat"

grant me the serenity
to live long enough to 
know a peaceful mind
with rolling brain waves
antidepressant and sinus med
by this time next year

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

HH: Mouse Companion

Haiku Heights ~ Bat

quiet little bat
sitting next to my pink mouse
until I panic

CD: Hidden Places

Carpe Diem #283 ~ Hidden Places

Photo Source

in the striation
of the ancient red canyons 
still standing pueblos


Tanka: Yearning

Tanka Poets On Site

What We Can Learn From Children

listen closely
to what is not said
a child's fear so closely held
yet there is screaming
yearning to be heard

Tanka: Anywhere But Here

Tanka Poets On Site

Waking Up Somewhere New

Photo by Brian Beam 2005

wake up to a new world
safety surrounds me
anywhere but here
walk boldly in the open
embrace the freedom

(Photo taken in Brunate, Italy, 2005. Before my back and knee issues. Walked miles each day with that backpack. Loved every moment.)


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

CD: Kikaku's "The Beggar!"

Carpe Diem Special #54

Write a new haiku in the same sense, tone, and spirit as Kikaku's:

the beggar!
he has Heaven and Earth
for his summer clothes

My inspired haiku: 

the sailor  ~
he has the constellations
to guide his way home


CD: Secrets of Life

Carpe Diem ~ Secrets of Life

the god particle ~
even if isolated
would we have answers

Tanka: Wild Side

Tanka Poets On Site

How To Be Wild In Nature

Photo Source

hike the unknown trail 
breathe in all nature offers 
delight in new sounds 
become one with the magic 
embrace the universe

dVerse: Living Dead

how long before feeling alive
after being the living dead

how long before just feeling sad
instead of wanting to take my life

how long before feeling worthy of love
when all before has not been real

how can i feel lovable 
knowing what i was made to do

how long before wanting to live 
is stronger than wishing to die

holding onto strands of hope
doing all i can to move into life

still wondering if the effort
is worth it

lavender fields and poppies far away
my butterfly garden at home 
my hope in a bouquet 

(These recycling thoughts should be alleviated with neurofeedback. But will be about a year for any real improvement. Feels like stuck writing...emotions.)

Sunday, August 25, 2013

CD: New Lands

Carpe Diem ~ Punjab

lure of the unknown
fill the senses with wonder
to carry back home 

Tanka: Unfathomable

Tanka Poets Onsite

Dealing With Loss

grief stricken heart overflows
gather emotions
plant them in the earth to bloom
watch beauty unfold

(I have planted trees and rosebushes to honor a loss. It is healing to me to watch the growth and season renewal.)

Saturday, August 24, 2013

CD: Silent Conversations

Carpe Diem #280 ~ The Conversation

Polyvore by Grace2244

the many conversations never heard outside the mind


dVerse: Oblivious

dVerse: Poetics ~ Judith Clay

We are asked to write poetry inspired by art by Judith Clay.

Art by Judith Clay

floating through life
going where my balloon
never believing it might
one day
sending me crashing
into reality unknown
never having known
free will
until the moment of the
i have a new balloon now
guiding me through

Tanka: Message

Tanka Poets On Site


cream-colored roses
withered by time on her grave
her last phone message
plays through my mind
a never-ending loop

Friday, August 23, 2013

CD: Inner Wisdom

Carpe Diem #279 ~ Calling Wisdom

within my mind's eye
he awaits my life questions
loving arms open


my inner wisdom
always quietly waiting 
for my whining angst


Thursday, August 22, 2013

CD: Weep for Joy

Carpe Diem #278 ~ Japanese Spring

Image Source

japanese spring ~
floating along the river 
willows weep for joy


HH: Lavender Bouquet

Haiku Heights ~ Fresh

lavender bouquet
the scent engulfs her being
in the hospital

dVerse: Cindereffinrella

dVerse: Poets Pub

Story in 55 words

Image Source

Born of royal genes

Hidden princess lives as Cinderella

No…make that Countess of Monte Cristo

Lives a double life

Unknown to her

Sounds like a fairytale

Fairytale gone awry maybe

Add STILL documents classified

Hide the truth

She will never know

Heal and move on

What life is left after 60?

Lavender fields of Avignon.

Photo Source

I know...I have the same theme to my writing. So close to leaving my world unknown to normal people. As I was writing, my husband showed me this Abbey in Avignon. We honeymooned there a year ago but no lavender in September. We must go back when lavender is in bloom while I am still alive. It is heaven there.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

CD: Magical Mystery Field

Carpe Diem #277 ~ Magic Fields

Photo Source

fields of lavender
precedes fields of sunflowers
nature's magic blooms

CD: Kikaku's "A Flock of Swallows"

Carpe Diem Special #53 ~ A Flock

Our challenge is to  write a haiku in the same tone, sense and Spirit as Kikaku's:

above the sea
a rainbow, erased by
a flock of swallows 

My inspired haiku:

above the forest
thickening smoke reminds us
what lived below


no longer depressed
after two years on the drug
off I go
weaning per instructions
but my brain
doesn't follow instructions
not any more
it screams when i stop
when doctor says ok to stop
google and research
husband becomes pharmacist
smash/measure/put in capsules
25 mg for a week
20 mg for a week
15 mg for a week
down from 100 to 50 for a week
50 to 25 for a week
but 25 to nothing
is a nightmare
had 15 mg for a week
5 days free then cyclone
in head
can't see straight
back to feeding the monster

but only 10 mg
maybe for a month
before going off
next time
for good

so not okay with pain
this drug is screaming
for a minute amount
my brain trained to crave it
more than any mind control
could hold once i knew of it
more than any drug ever
in my life

many surgeries
followed by oxy and percocet
a few days and onto advil
no problem
but this
something i feel good WITHOUT
is forcing me to take it

chinese herbs
to alleviate symptoms 
of depression
and this little pill

it should be outlawed
i needed it when i went on it
but now i hate iti hate my brain NEEDING it
i hate the headache without it
i'm weak

i'm ready to be happy
please dear god
let me be happy
by my 61st birthday
three months
please let go of me
i'm so tired of being a prisoner
to the govt
and now to the effin pill
stop the world
i want to get off
antidepressant free

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Tanka: Raucous Crows

Tanka Poets On Site

Raucous Crows

Aug 19 (bird voices)

a murder of crows
caws raucously in back yard
fights over sliced bread
plenty to satisfy all
joy in the squawking

dVerse: Inanimate Thoughts

dVerse: Open Link Night 110

bales of rusted wire 
catch my eye through the car window 
huge rolls on a truck bed
inanimate thoughts churn
in my mind
how sad to be rusted
what history have they seen
are they off to their burial
do they know of their fate
why do i wonder if they think?

maybe they are off to a new home
but have been in storage
as conveyed by their rust
still i see the rust as age
"put out to pasture"
like me with my rusted joints
and spiky brain waves

Turtle Art At Moma

Image Source

brain map complete
i have no quiet mind
my waves are so out of normal range
i see the art my brain makes
my calming music is a tiny pink area
all waves together look like
turtle art at MOMA
reptilian brain I joke
but it's not funny

listening to my calming music
during my first treatment
post complete mapping
my brain is writing haiku
and this
proof again of racing mind

five days antidepressant free
my emotions for the first time ever
are my own
an integrated mind
with full range of feelings
i feel like a juggler
wondering about this new normal
yet i've reached my goal

begin neurofeedback
without antidepressants
i know not of the medication afterlife
but withdrawal was a bitch
a year from now
perhaps i won't be writing
while dizzy
and wondering if healing
to this extent
is worth it

Sunday, August 18, 2013

CD: Longing For The Unknown

Carpe Diem ~ Longing for the Unknown

We were asked to write for what we most long for in our lives. Safety and a home far away from "here" are what I chose to write about.

i wish to feel safe
for what remains of my life ~
not my destiny


home in south of france ~
not here so steeped in danger
is anywhere safe?
my reality defined
by covert government birth

Saturday, August 17, 2013

CD: Silent Heart

Carpe Diem ~ Silent Heart

silent heart unfolds
allows us to hear earth's truth
universe is one


silent heart holds tears
for what is left unspoken
broken soul in pain

Friday, August 16, 2013

CD: Portal to the Unknown

Carpe Diem ~ Sapphire

no need for sapphire
portal to heavenly realm
opened in childhood

heavenly blue star
lead me to your mysteries
so I may know god

Thursday, August 15, 2013

dVerse: Solve for X

dVerse: Form for All ~ Mathematics

Today's challenge is to write a poem following one of the mathematical formulas. I'm attempting a triangle which follows the form of 1, 3, 6, 10. Here goes... (ellipsis)

double heart
we become when married
entwined souls, limbs, thoughts and dreams forever
forever dreams and thoughts, limbs, souls entwined
married ~ when become "we"
heart double

ha...a palindrome to boot...methinks.

CD: Kikaku's "A White Crane From Fukei"

Carpe Diem Special #52



Polyvore by Grace2244


Share your haiku inspired on and in the same tone, sense and Spirit as this one by Kikaku:

how I wish to call
a white crane from Fukei,
but for this cold rain

My inspired haiku:

his white face near death
i think of the peaceful crane
its angel-like wings


FSF: Remnants

Five Sentence Fiction ~ Fabric

Polyvore by Grace2244

Every fiber of her being was on fire from pain, betrayal,  and remembering the unspeakable of her past. What she had known as the fabric of her life fell apart the way ash becomes dust the moment it is touched. Her world turned upside down and suddenly a paranoia washed over her. The threats to her life if she spoke of the secrets were as powerful now as when she had been a child. Although all had been hidden in the amnesia, the threats were the first to leak through along with the early memories keeping her from seeking help for far too long.

CD: Nature Quenched

Carpe Diem ~ Blessings Rain

thunder in distance
will my flowers be quenched
by sunrise?


drought takes its toll
all of mother nature yearns
for blessings of the rain

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Tanka: Already There

Tanka Poets On Site

Inside of Leaving

mind a step ahead
already there
wanting to be there
anywhere but here
place of my demise

Aug 14 prompt

Tanka: Being There

Tanka Poets On Site

Our Life Together

our best moments framed
each day a flashback 
to France or Italy
the magic of being there
part of our every day love

Aug 13 prompt

A Birth Too Far

Inspired by Sam Edge's writing about revealing self truths.

Creating Alters ~ Polyvore by Grace 2244

my birth not meant for joy
a creation for cold war government
loved only until i began to remember
disowned immediately
and only after first memory of incest
not exactly the act of an innocent
he made mother choose between him
or staying in contact with me
then the rest
intentionally made a multiple
personalities trained for government deeds
and "special projects"
some were never used 
because anticipated events
never happened
but always the ones wanting suicide
at each move forward with healing
i've survived all they programmed
into my fragmented mind
but wonder how many others
and were suicide statistics
instead of death by government evil
engineered by Germans...Nazis
Operation Paperclip
who taught me well
and traumatized me to the brink of death
over and over
to keep my mind creating more of me
systems within systems
meant to be sturdy
but came down
not exactly like a house of cards
more like Lego by Lego
until it collapsed
most don't grasp "polyfragmented"
they just know Sybil
still I healed
no proof of my beginnings
but know my own truth
mother's egg
artificially inseminated
with "royal" sperm
i know my sperm donor family
a secret world even from the donors
bloodlines meant to carry on
not "my father's" child
my father's asset to maintain the terror
but never too far
for he would pay the price
of not living up to his bargain with the devil
he is gone now
i've yet to spit on his grave
i see my life in movies and tv shows
La Femme Nikita
Orphan Black
Manchurian Candidate
genetics gone awry in labs
the things i saw that no one would believe
everything before amnesia broke
intended for no one to believe
my truth is unbelievable
so i scream it at the top of my lungs
thousands like me
trying to heal
not enough therapists to treat multiples
let alone the ones from "the programs"
my truth sucks
and when i scream at something in the media
it is my primal self recalling
what was done to me/us
who believes FUBAR
not enough tears
to mourn my life
death has to be kinder

HH: Late

Haiku Heights ~ Late

alice chases hare
late to rabbit's tea party
nowhere else to be


late to my own life
celebrating what is left
seeking fulfillment


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

CD: Awake By Noon

Carpe Diem ~ Morning Celebration

half awake outside
new yellow flower in bloom
my morning brightens


awake to alarm
and artificial sunlight
savor double espresso


not a morning person
grateful for wake up routine
still in bed at noon

Tanka: Oblivious Rose

Tanka Poets

No Ordinary Flower

oblivious rose
buds closed tightly
until her fifties
when all finally
fully blooms

July 28 prompt

Monday, August 12, 2013

Tanka: Gaps

Tanka Poets On Site

childhood a blank
pieces of life
glued together
hiding the gaps
in memory

Aug 10 ~ the pieces together

Tanka: One Voice

Tanka Poets On Site

voice of a child
asks for a blanket
voice of a wife ~ a hug
many voices
one soul

Aug 12 prompt "Our Voice". As a past multiple, I immediately wanted to write this.

Merge: Mission At The Mansion

Write At The Merge: Week 33


This week is a photo prompt of a mansion which I've used to provide a future segment of my novel Blind Obedience

Background: Emma was born into a highly classified government program which caused her mind to split from intentionally induced trauma from a very young age. The personality splits created from the trauma were then trained with highly sophisticated methods by neuroscientists and other experts for various tasks and purposes. Emma has no awareness of this split off part of her life and is vacationing in England, or so she thinks. She has one day in London and is obsessed with buying a raincoat at Burberry's before her motorcoach tour leaves the next day. Previous segments of the story can be read here.

Emma entered Burberry’s and was met by a tall well-dressed female assistant in red pencil skirt, tailored blouse, and black heels. As Em stood at the counter providing her hotel information and shipping address after the final fitting for the raincoat, a gentleman, undercover for MI-6, awaited his opportunity. He had been notified by a call to a nearby telephone booth when Em left her hotel.

When Em wandered off to look at the luggage, the Englishman lingered nearby making small talk. He was able to give her the hand signal and code phrase which called out Hilary, the one who would receive the information for the assignment. One of the motorcoach tour stops would be Yorkshire. Hilary was to relay the meeting place, time, and person’s description to an inside personality known as “the conductor”.

Nearly all covert activity in Em’s life took place at night. All she would ever know is that she fell asleep in the same bed in which she awoke. The conductor’s job was to relay the meeting information to a different personality. Always an assignment was carried out by a series of personalities so if any one of her was caught and questioned, no one part would ever know the full story. Orders came from high above through other operatives so secrecy at the highest levels was never compromised.

After Em went to bed the night her tour was in Yorkshire, Natasha went to the provided room number. The team in the hotel room prepared her for the mission: clothing, disguise, “accessories”. At 2 a.m., Natasha met her contact on the dark side of the bridge, a short walk from her hotel. From there she was ushered to the American military base Menwith Hill for a briefing with those who were to be her black ops teammates for the next few hours. Just before boarding the helicopter, Anya was cued to carry out the remainder of the mission. After touching ground out of earshot of a private party held at a posh English estate, Anya arrived by limo and stepped out in her elegant attire with the help of the valet. She provided the name on the guest list and walked in confidently. 

During a quick stop in the ladies room, she carefully applied the coating to her lips and then the layer of a beautiful shade of deadly untraceable poison. The recipient, the target identified as the traitor, would be pronounced dead of a heart attack, after Anya was safely in the helicopter and after using her special lipstick remover saving her from any toxic effects.

Natasha returned to the hotel room to be debriefed and relinquish her mission items. Moments after entering her hotel room, the phone rang. Natasha answered. She was cued to forget all that had transpired and to switch back to Emma before getting into bed. The moments between signals and actions to and from Emma were always lost in the amnesia.

Words: 493