I'm Just Drawn That Way

Yesterday went for neurofeedback. Thought it was third brain mapping session but it was someone new and my first passive treatment. Fine...close eyes and listen to itunes. But first TELL HER. 

Ummm...my brain was programmed. Stimoceivers were placed up sinuses near brain and zapped to cause certain behaviors. I was made to be multiple but I'm whole now and need this to get "what's left over" after healing. Oh yeah, they used ECT too thinking it would erase my memory. Are you sure this isn't going to trigger my brain into some weird state of being?

I'm not insane. I had an insane life. "That's a very healthy way to view it," she says like it's a normal thing to hear. "I'm not bad; I'm just drawn that way." Jessica Rabbit. We both laugh. But I'm feeling so friggin' vulnerable.

She reassures me neurofeedback is only to calm the mind to help it function as it should. WTF is "as it should" I think because it's never functioned "as it should" in my entire lifetime...especially now after seeing my brain waves are so not normal.

I put in my ear buds, lean back in reclining chair. She puts the sensor on my ear and glues things to my head and puts on the dark glasses even though my eyes are closed because it emits a light that the brain sees but I don't. Finally I don't hear the blasted clock and noticed it had been moved far away from the office when I had walked in the entrance. I muttered to the clock when I saw it wanting to throw it out the door into the heavy shrubbery never to be found again.

Afterwards she takes me into another office to show me a sample of what an active session will be. I'm staring at every type of brain wave seeing them all flash in different neon colors going crazy. "I thought I was supposed to see a calming image." She shows me the image is a reward. We pick a distorted picture of pink coral. Their computers are old and all the images are distorted which irritates me. Then a blank bright purple puzzle pops up on the screen. "When your brain is in 'the zone' you get a new puzzle piece." The pink coral starts coming in as a fragmented picture which triggers the hell out of me but I don't tell her.

"I was told I could choose a sound", I say because I need a sound that is pleasing. We go through about six and they aren't intermittent with long pauses. It's like beep beep pause beep pause pause beep beep pause. "Can you get a singing bowl wav file?" I ask after telling her how agitated I am. She will call the brain software people to ask. I call her later and tell her the chime and bell sound on the iPhone are good.

I want to just look at my own iPhone photo of France or Italy and not the screen with the neon brain waves and hear a pleasant sound. I will ask next time. Maybe tell her. Maybe demand passive treatment only. I thought I was supposed to calm down.