CD: Blues

Carpe Diem #576 ~ Blues

a year of the blues
nothing jazzy about death
now singing of life

CD: Peaceful Totem

Carpe Diem #558 ~ Dragonflies

Photo Source

dragonfly totem

through arduous life journey

its presence brings peace

dVerse: No to Death

dVerse: Poetics ~ Darkness to Light

stepping into free fall
of the abyss
my mind floats to peace
freedom
sparing the ones i love
from my burden
no more pain
for me

coming to in the ER
i see his face strained with
fear and tension
a look that still lingers
i've hurt him
not what i intended
i'd hoped to set him free too

multiple attempts at my own life
this year
each a worse method than before
the parts of me wanting me dead
i choose to outsmart them
by choosing my own way ~
the only control i feel i have

healing is traumatic
i wanted to die
each conflict feels like a hell
i shouldn't be alive to have to face it
yet the moments come
the aha moments that strike
like lightening
silence my being 
as i listen to the echoes of them
make connections throughout
my mind
the enormity of the message
driving me toward my demise

i fight/fought so hard to be safe in life
i was finding happiness in ways
i had not found before
at the height of the happiness
i'm swallowed up by death
because the message running through me
is "life is unsafe"
my loyal parts are trying to "save me" from life

my father's death triggered a message
designed for me to kill myself
it's conscious now
i can untwist the message
and all related meanings
i can be truly safe
understanding the double language

i'm glad to have survived
to gain this new essential insight
into what drove my being
i choose now to say no to death
to say yes to love
and happiness
he lost this war

dVerse: Shattering & Rebuilding...Constantly

dVerse: Poetics ~ Shattering the World and Rebuilding It

Polyvore by Grace2244...Shattered But Hopeful

i've dealt with parts of me

wanting to kill me before

for years it was a puzzle-like process

but no active attempt on my life

i had one close encounter in 2011

this year is testing my will

from every conceivable angle

an overdose in march

scissors too dull to cut my arm

sent me into a safe treatment facility

most don't understand dissociation

and having parts

and who would want to understand?

my healing has lead to miracles

last year in sedona

to wrestling myself for my life this year

two weeks undid the majority of the parts

(got them into healing)

though i thought i got it all.

soon after i got home

i discovered a straggler

and used my new skills to resolve

the part's hellbent goal to kill the body

so proud i was of my accomplishment

yet two days ago, i stumbled on a box cutter

in the drawer

someone else previously unknown

took over

thank goodness for dull blades in my home

while running it along my arm veins

i was screaming for help to my husband

it's tough to ask for help 

when another part is fixated on death

i figured out who the part was 

after my husband came to the rescue

calls to therapist and appointments made

the experts said they can never know

how many more times harm parts will surface

or how long this current "script" will be running

my internal world has shattered several times

and i've rebuilt each time

coming out a bit stronger

i thought i'd met my match two days ago

no one (or very few) understand this evil

that began when i was preverbal

and still impacts me today

decades later

i'm fighting

i'm trying 

battling to stay alive

before my strength becomes less

than theirs

i believe in angels

there must be angels

i should be dead

doom and gloom in writing

yes...always 

my world is mostly dark

but it's the light that makes it

worthwhile 

Thank you for this prompt. Sorry if too graphic for some.

dVerse: Written Words to Live

dVerse: Meeting the Bar ~ When Words Fail

Polyvore by grace2244

my answers used to come

through collages

and internal discussion

the written word was not necessary

the first time i overdosed

following my perp father's death

was not me

it was one of me

it came undone with hypnosis

and collages

it never occurred to me

it would happen again

last month, two years later,

i overdosed at the same time

after believing i had fully healed

the anniversary of his death

set a suicidal part off 

and when pills didn't work

a second time

the images in my head

terrified me

i was fortunate to be admitted

fairly quickly into a

trauma treatment center

where i learned that written words

were needed to reach

the harm parts

the old way wasn't working

they taught me a new way

am feeling safe again

all unsafe parts are in healing

or transformed

i have the skills now 

to recognize much earlier

when i need to write my way

to reach the ones who might

overwhelm me with harm messages

or take over and end my life

no expert knows if/when it will happen again

so i must be prepared

regularly to ask inside

written words can save my life

writing, always a part of me,

yet never thought to try that 

to communicate

i feel armed

the pen is my sword

not to kill

but to heal

words must fall

upon the page

for me to live

dVerse: Stayin' Alive

dVerse: Question of Identity

Polyvore by grace2244

i thought i knew who i was
who i loved
what i wanted
but then it all changed
my life in a moment
stripped me of any knowledge
or identity previously known

only be getting unstuck 
from the muck of stolen memory
did i come to know of me
and the multiplicity of me
coming out of the tarpit
i found a new life
a new love
a new way of being

the second blow of 
body falling apart
took back my life's new direction
but my love stayed
he is now my husband

what remains are my remnants
of trauma
that threaten my existence
more than i care to admit
what holds me together
is my life with my husband
and our dog
and our dreams

but first must get past
current barrage of parts of me
hellbent on death
waiting waiting for help
to keep me alive

dVerse: Topiary

dVerse: Self Portrait

Topiary ~ Collage Art by grace2244

this was me a few years ago

when i was healing

now it's me again

falling apart

trying not to

trying to find strength

when parts want to die

 my circle of life

i know i'm feminine

and love pink

but my head is still a blur

and i'm entwined in

all the evil of my past

me trying to turn weeds

into beautiful thriving flowers

i cut the pink dress

to put into this conglomeration

because

that's how i knew it was me

wanting to grow out of the past

wanting to embrace the future

wondering how i will do that

when unseen vines

keep pulling me down

 

dVerse: Totems

dVerse: Poetics ~ Animal Symbolism

Image Source

what is your totem animal?
i used to think such things gimmicky
until i came to understand
the presence of certain animals
birds, dragonflies, fish
to have meaning
in the overall scheme of things
called synchronicity

in Sedona, i saw hummingbirds
for the first time ever
my first morning
out the window while having
a healing massage
later in the day
a hummingbird crossed my path
while hiking on the mountain trail
after a chakra cleanse
back at the hotel
google: hummingbirds

ravens were a totem 
throughout my healing
sometimes bluejays and cardinals
crossed my path several times
in close proximity
my compass in life 
is sometimes marked
by nature's signs

i have learned to heed
the universe
and all it offers
to lead us out of our darkness
and into the healing light
of living

dVerse: Waiting to Blossom

dVerse: Poetics ~ Color Me Spring

Art by Sunita Khedekar

how i yearn for spring

eternally

to find the buds within

ready to open to life

and see color

bright, vivid, happy

feel the winds

the lion of march

the lamb of april

the warm sun

beaming down 

soaked up by face & body

FELT

for the first time

outside of hiding

adults directly from the womb

of amnesia

buds in waiting

for their time

to fully blossom

                                                                                                                 

dVerse: Edges

dVerse: Poetics ~ Micro/Macro

Photo by Shanyn


always on the edge of sanity
one step from free fall
into relapse
or on the brink of happiness
longing to be sure-footed

 

 

 

dVerse: BAM

dVerse: Poetic Evolution

Polyvore by Maggie Grace

at age 7 i wrote of death
at 61 still writing of death
almost 20 years of healing
no fully/mostly conscious life
until my 40s
thought i had healed PERIOD
last year
and BAM
handfuls of pills
back into therapy

the evolution has been external
left a marriage where my need to heal
was unacknowledged
12 years with a loving man
who supported me from multiplicity
through several integrations
and an attempted suicide
we married a year later

he was with me last week
when second suicide attempt failed
knowing it wasn't "me" taking the pills
my circle of friends
real and virtual
has evolved in a beautiful
and unexpected way

i write my life
dVerse has helped me evolve
in expression and support
thankful you chose to continue
♥

dVerse: Invisibles

dVerse: Poetics ~ Invisibility

Polyvore by Maggie Grace

growing up invisible
not seen...unheard
not allowed to be a me

a lifetime filled
with an invisible world
invisible mes
known only to "them"
while conscious me
the quiet one
afraid to speak up

when the invisibles of me
became known
healing began for what
no one could see
nor would i want them to see

recently learned there is no end
to the healing...to the invisibles
someone new with me now
letting her feel acceptance and love
offering her a new home
a new space in my mind
my invisible world

dVerse: I Overdosed

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

i overdosed on 2/22
not because my life was too hard
it's been heaven comparatively
since last May's integration
a part of me surfaced near
Valentine's Day
carrying death messages
which I avoided through 2/14
i was fine on 2/15
thought it was over

my mind hasn't been on healing
from dissociative parts
for so long, it seems
normally i would have called
for help when the part appeared
but thought i had handled it

husband went out for a few hours
on 2/22
i thought my thoughts were mine
felt like me convincing myself
all would be better without me
i took as many pills as i could
plus two drinks of alcohol
(not something part of my regular routine)
i was still awake when husband returned
but it was my nap time

a few hours later
after no sleep
and realizing i wan't going to die
i told him
was dizzy and body was shaking
wanted to wait until morning

called therapist first thing
she said go to ER for medical impact
was there all day
no drugs showed up in tests
a DID "trick" ~ body registers
what it was "told" to do
three social workers and a
call to my therapist
allowed me to go home

doing okay
had therapy session
and another for monday
dizziness is lessened today
am almost functioning
didn't sleep as much
happy to be here
with husband and puppy

DID from birth
no total healing
must be on guard for
any activity internally
i could have killed myself
and it would have appeared
that's what i wanted

dVerse: Death Defying

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

Polyvore by Grace Beam

his death three years ago

i should be clicking my heels

why the dark thoughts and feelings?

back to the drawing board

literally

process feelings with images

death with someone peeking through

after completing the art

i realize it is my internalized mother part

looking at me

diluted programming

still notice the message to join "him"

since integrating

i don't believe any former part

can act alone

but the feeling sucks

once again my desire

to celebrate his passing

is quashed by the brainwashing

of my past

proof the haunting continues

trying not to give it merit

yet must acknowledge

the grief my mother part

is feeling deeply

bonded to the abuser

stockholm syndrome

lives on after death

reaching me from his hell

dVerse: Proof of Life

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

Image Source

the truth of me
insanity to most
validation comes
cuts
sharp as a razor
flash of pain and insight
                                                
no proof of me
but what i know
my truths and known truths
match like puzzle pieces

so many government programs
other survivors have similar pasts
but i have some unique to all
what isn't unique is the one message
that began in my collages of healing
and ended with an astounding answer
regarding my creation
not in broad strokes 
but great specificity
which is so rare with recovering memory

prisoner without bars
with amnesia in tact
fear of death after knowing
each
tiny
detail
secrets were joined
with death messages
so many i'm almost immune
wondering if this new answer
will be a step too far
or if enough know out there
to protect me

if my dna history
goes with my reality
it's not enough to prove
but enough for me to know
the accuracy of my past
my purpose for being
horrid purpose that it was
i would finally know
with certainty for my mind
regardless of how it is
perceived by others

those without access to inner wisdom
cannot fathom the information
that one can know from the universe
my protector told me from the beginning
"I know everything."
he worked in amazing ways
i have no doubts of my "heritage" 
the gift of dna analysis
fell into my lap

i shied away from ordering a dna test
yet anything i was meant to know has
"landed in my lap"
hoping my life won't be the trade 
for this knowledge
not the fear i used to have
but an unsettling hint of anxiety
answer by valentine's day
the heart of my being









 

CD: Journey to Me

Carpe Diem #368 ~ Perm

my past a healed blur

journey to become the me

my soul has kept safe

A Piece of Peace

 

Image Source

quiet
empty
nothingness
once flooded with
trauma images,
memories,
nightmares,
horror upon horror
years of internal
unraveling

g  o  n               e


only the occasional
droplet of trauma
disconnected
for me to
see, examine, process

                                            over there

not right here attached
where i scream, cry,
try to hide

it's peaceful
and unsettling
do i fill it up with something else
or is peace and quiet good?

i feel strange
and so very tired
perhaps my brain needs to rest
recuperative sleep
worn out from constantly
being ON

and maybe when i've slept enough
the peace will feel peaceful

forever in a predominantly internal world
since i was five
no longer do i live inside my head
i'm outside of myself
with my puppy
always a subconscious reason 
even for joyful thinking

settling in
at the start of this year
with my calmer brain
waiting for the neurofeedback
to continue until
ability to focus returns
i miss writing

i was writing this in my head
with electrodes on my scalp
a place of near sleep
listening to whales and dolphins

am glad i remembered
enough to document
this next piece of being me

Christmas Eve 2013

 

home alone by choice
to allow sadness and vulnerability
to surface as it must
realize it is the first time
i have been feeling good until last night
when the trauma-related feelings hit
but the sadness is not consuming me

it is not me down in the pit
it is me realizing the sadness
is another emotion
and it doesn't need to be alone
it has support from stronger feelings
it doesn't own me any longer

the guilt of staying home seems odd
since great sadness, especially tonight,
usually had me feeling nothing else
except anxiety
now i can hold all emotions
and just notice, acknowledge
let them co-exist
likely what most know as normal

i am truly one

 

 

CD: Unforgiving

Carpe Diem ~ Forgiveness

healing can happen 
without absolving of guilt 
those who caused harm

dVerse: A Good Day

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

far from normal
in many ways
journey toward
that setting
always a goal

thyroid out of whack
a month ago
now "normal"
notified today

had to switch antibiotic
for forever sinus infection
and had to stop it 1-1/2 days
into the prescription
on a weekend
decided not to call doctor
for a replacement
and just let body be
for as long as it can
it needs a break
to get back to "normal"

mood once again stabilized
six weeks of withdrawal
from former antidepressant
onto low dose of another
finally feeling good
husband can tell too

neurofeedback 
has made October
a "normal" month
after more than a decade
of high anxiety and
avoidance

today is a good day
neurofeedback for mind
acupuncture for body
three week countdown
to sweet puppy