Wednesday, January 29, 2014

dVerse: Most Likely

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

most likely to succeed
i cringe each time i think of it
class speaker
honors graduate
no scholarships
because i wanted only 
to join the service
one half inch too small
for the army
tossed out into the work world

two years later enlisted 
in air force
somehow cheating the one half inch
russian language school
later to be used to spy
on russian pilots
by eavesdropping from NSA
but i rebelled at that secret
of the job
thought i was to be an interpreter
out early on post-vietnam release

failed marriages
never reaching my career goals
not knowing a puppetmaster
directed me wherever i went
had what i thought was a good career
it was enough and i was happy
then all began to unravel
outside and inside

amnesia began to fail
and falling apart at work
sent up all kinds of flairs
since a puppetmaster was
a VP at work
terror and trying to hold it together
as long as i could
finally separated from work world
a world that had always been guided
against my knowledge and will

felt redeemed as a therapist
but that fell apart with my body
most likely to succeed
such an inadequate feeling

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

CD: Soul Raven

Carpe Diem ~ Flight of the Eagle

spirit emerges
raven travels to ancestors
flees confines of body


voice within urges
journey to red canyon
raven soars free

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Holding On

Image Source

60 Minutes
mental illness
emotional disorders
lack of psychiatrists
lack of beds in psychiatric facilities
long waits to get help
so few trained trauma therapists

i've lived through the system
i've hung on waiting for a bed
trying not to kill myself
after dissociatively overdosing

have been a therapist
when a highly suicidal client
had to wait weeks to be admitted
for proper care

my disorder was dissociation
most medical schools 
don't teach doctors about it
many therapists and counseling programs
avoid it, disavow it, or choose not to see it

incest is more acceptable
yet many victims of incest
who were pre-school age
did dissociate
one in four women a victim
how many of those were
young enough to dissociate
the numbers realistically
have to be extremely high

a known suicidal person
cannot be hospitalized
in a medical hospital
it's all about beds
no effin beds
to save a life

where are the rich ones
aware of this need
to help?

60 Minutes
a senator's son
he screams out
on deaf ears
even he cannot make
a change

how do you tell someone
to hang on to life
when no one is there
to help them do it?

my life has been hanging on
for the most part
integration and marriage
a new puppy have helped
yet today i feel depressed
for no known reason
thoughts of suicide
who would miss me

and round it goes

Saturday, January 25, 2014

dVerse: I Survived

dVerse: Poetics ~ Both Sides

i survived a government program
though often wish i hadn't
when i speak of my past
people don't believe
or think i'm a conspiracy theory nut
or just plain nuts

i think i must have survived for a reason
that used to be so i could be a therapist
to help others through
the horrifying journey called healing
but then my body fell apart
less than four years 
after earning my masters degree
and my body never healed
and i never got to say goodbye
to my clients
the ones i did or was helping

i used to write because i loved it
my integration last year
seems to have shifted that focus
dVerse and haiku
and some days that is difficult
i don't know why i lived
i don't think i am "living"
i'm here and don't know why

i wait for the days or weeks
every few years to "run away"
to a safe place far from here
wishing to stay there
but not having the means to do so
who am i and what am i doing here
the constant battle
even if healing is "winning"
it feels like i've lost all
just by being me

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Monday, January 20, 2014

CD: Shattered Crystal

Carpe Diem Special #73

Alexey Andreyev's Fourth ~ "Day After Valentine's" 


day after Valentine's -
red petals on the floor, and
a broom in the corner

(c) Alexey Andreyev

Write a haiku in the same sense, tone, and spirit as the above.

My inspired haiku:

hanging crystal heart
no longer in the window
day after valentine's

dVerse: Click

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

is a more terrifying sound
of a gun
than the actual firing of it

is the sound at my temple
as i stood so many times
given orders
the fear beyond my own life
always including mother
sisters or pets
destruction of a favorite toy
or relative
whatever i cared about
was fair game

an empty chamber
i often wish
had been filled
so young to know such fear
standing at the edge
of the readied grave
my body tossed in
dirt shoveled on
to drive home a point
or a message
they ruled me
ruled the world

i once remember
asking my "father" about
the rearview mirror
"what is the 'night' button for?"
"don't ever touch that!"
he warns menacingly
"it makes the sun go down
and it would destroy the world"
i was 10 years old
i never touched the mirror
until my third car

the angle of the mirror changes
the world didn't end
but the lies remained
the foundation of my life
for far too many years

Sunday, January 19, 2014

CD: Mysteries

Carpe Diem #379 ~ Ulan-Ude

monks bury beloved one
in secrecy while others
try to recall past


mystery of monk
miracle life preserved
past lives come together


Saturday, January 18, 2014

dVerse: Humanity of Trees

dVerse: Poetics ~ Trees

Muir Woods

the magnetic energy of a tree
is the same as a human
hugging trees isn't just an expression
it's good for the soul

i've lived in awe of trees
regardless of memory
life from both sides of amnesia
the redwoods once seen in Muir Woods
to the pines of Sedona

home for wildlife
protection from the elements
for all beings
wisdom to be shared
for those who dare listen

ageless wisdom
until someone willingly
hacks it off revealing its rings
the secrets one should never see
it bleeds not
but my heart does
when a tree has been taken

maybe trees have a soul
that takes up residence in a sapling
when an elder is murdered
or mother nature sacrifices
a chosen one
i prefer to believe their wisdom
lives on forever

with outstretched limbs
calling all to its energy
for comfort and shelter
shade and breeze
the heart of earth
beats within each

if a tree falls in the forest
the others gently and lovingly
bury it in their shedding leaves
grieving and creating
new life

Thursday, January 16, 2014

CD: Past Tense

Carpe Diem ~ Yenisei River

fire to ice
lives pass between
arctic thaw 


if past life exists
i must have sinned horribly
no future life desired

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

CD: Monk In Love

Carpe Diem ~ Krasnoyarsk

peaceful monk in love
unfathomable task bestowed
heart goes up in flames

dVerse: A Time to Die

 dVerse: OpenLinkNight

i'd like to die at 65
i tell my psychiatrist
explaining i'm not depressed
just tired of expending energy
to live

i told my husband the same thing
last week
"that's not much time" he says
since i just turned 61
i want it to be peacefully
in my sleep
even though i still have
a full bucket list

psych says it's not abnormal
to just be tired of living
he knows it's not depression
at least no longer
but maybe
because my healing continues
less mental energy
will be expended 
and the desire to live longer
will grow stronger

i would like to see
the greek isles
visit sedona again
save up for a
chocolate indulgence massage day
at hershey spa

through my journey
from collapse from trauma memory
i have learned transcendence
trusting in my internal higher power
knowing jung's world of personality
stood on a hilltop in sedona
hearing the mountains speak to me

i have known unconditional love
the joy of laughing with my husband
and far too much pain
i long for the soylent green room
without the aftermath
my ashes in lavender fields
in europe brings me so much peace

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Monday, January 6, 2014

dVerse: Proof of Life

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

Image Source

the truth of me
insanity to most
validation comes
sharp as a razor
flash of pain and insight
no proof of me
but what i know
my truths and known truths
match like puzzle pieces

so many government programs
other survivors have similar pasts
but i have some unique to all
what isn't unique is the one message
that began in my collages of healing
and ended with an astounding answer
regarding my creation
not in broad strokes 
but great specificity
which is so rare with recovering memory

prisoner without bars
with amnesia in tact
fear of death after knowing
secrets were joined
with death messages
so many i'm almost immune
wondering if this new answer
will be a step too far
or if enough know out there
to protect me

if my dna history
goes with my reality
it's not enough to prove
but enough for me to know
the accuracy of my past
my purpose for being
horrid purpose that it was
i would finally know
with certainty for my mind
regardless of how it is
perceived by others

those without access to inner wisdom
cannot fathom the information
that one can know from the universe
my protector told me from the beginning
"I know everything."
he worked in amazing ways
i have no doubts of my "heritage" 
the gift of dna analysis
fell into my lap

i shied away from ordering a dna test
yet anything i was meant to know has
"landed in my lap"
hoping my life won't be the trade 
for this knowledge
not the fear i used to have
but an unsettling hint of anxiety
answer by valentine's day
the heart of my being


CD: Journey to Me

Carpe Diem #368 ~ Perm

my past a healed blur
journey to become the me
my soul has kept safe

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Thursday, January 2, 2014

A Piece of Peace

Image Source

once flooded with
trauma images,
horror upon horror
years of internal

g  o  n               e

only the occasional
droplet of trauma
for me to
see, examine, process

                                            over there

not right here attached
where i scream, cry,
try to hide

it's peaceful
and unsettling
do i fill it up with something else
or is peace and quiet good?

i feel strange
and so very tired
perhaps my brain needs to rest
recuperative sleep
worn out from constantly
being ON

and maybe when i've slept enough
the peace will feel peaceful

forever in a predominantly internal world
since i was five
no longer do i live inside my head
i'm outside of myself
with my puppy
always a subconscious reason 
even for joyful thinking

settling in
at the start of this year
with my calmer brain
waiting for the neurofeedback
to continue until
ability to focus returns
i miss writing

i was writing this in my head

with electrodes on my scalp
a place of near sleep
listening to whales and dolphins

am glad i remembered
enough to document
this next piece of being me

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

CD: Siberian Love

Carpe Diem #364


Yaroslavsky Terminal Moscow



across siberia
two lovers reunite
violin sings softly


train rumbles across
harsh siberian terrain
lovers find each other