It's Not Fair

my body, my temple
is crumbling
from the inside.
it has betrayed me.
i fought hard to heal
made a new life.
it gave me three years
then collapsed

a dozen surgeries
five to six years ago
and still the pain.
the fight to work
the weakened muscles
has beaten me down
time after time

i still think of me
as the gymnast
or hiking Italy 
just eight years ago
fit and healthy.
no back or knee pain
no weak muscles

it hurts to work
for it not to hurt.
tough motivation.
my body collapsed
and no one told me
it could happen.
why don't women know
their organs can
fall
out

who decided
when i was born
it would be to
educate the world
about life's horrors?
still waiting for the joy.
daily happiness.
more than a fleeting moment
of peace

some joy each day
is all i want...
a pain free walk
wander a store
without hobbling...
without cursing 
how so much
sexual abuse
caused my pelvic floor
to finally collapse.

i've defeated multiplicity
i've defeated depression
but my body imprisons me.
a personal trainer?
if only i could afford
someone to coach me 
through the tears
of strengthening my back
of exercising my knees
of restoring activity
to all my muscles.

moving is my downfall.
my mind is healing
but the body is not.
my own fault for
not being strong enough
to bear the pain.
i've had enough pain
emotionally.
it's not fair
it's just not fair

i don't want to work so hard
to live
any more.
i want the pain fairy
in pink tutu and with wand
to visit me
and let me run 
through provence
next time i visit.
there has to be
a next time.