Saturday, August 31, 2013

It's Not Fair


my body, my temple
is crumbling
from the inside.
it has betrayed me.
i fought hard to heal
made a new life.
it gave me three years
then collapsed

a dozen surgeries
five to six years ago
and still the pain.
the fight to work
the weakened muscles
has beaten me down
time after time

i still think of me
as the gymnast
or hiking Italy 
just eight years ago
fit and healthy.
no back or knee pain
no weak muscles

it hurts to work
for it not to hurt.
tough motivation.
my body collapsed
and no one told me
it could happen.
why don't women know
their organs can
fall
out

who decided
when i was born
it would be to
educate the world
about life's horrors?
still waiting for the joy.
daily happiness.
more than a fleeting moment
of peace

some joy each day
is all i want...
a pain free walk
wander a store
without hobbling...
without cursing 
how so much
sexual abuse
caused my pelvic floor
to finally collapse.

i've defeated multiplicity
i've defeated depression
but my body imprisons me.
a personal trainer?
if only i could afford
someone to coach me 
through the tears
of strengthening my back
of exercising my knees
of restoring activity
to all my muscles.

moving is my downfall.
my mind is healing
but the body is not.
my own fault for
not being strong enough
to bear the pain.
i've had enough pain
emotionally.
it's not fair
it's just not fair

i don't want to work so hard
to live
any more.
i want the pain fairy
in pink tutu and with wand
to visit me
and let me run 
through provence
next time i visit.
there has to be
a next time.

10 comments:

  1. Maggie Grace, your plaint and poignant write inspired me to reply.

    http://grapeling.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/fair-has-never-been/

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    1. Read your poetry with tears in my eyes. Thank you for hearing. Fair is definitely a weather term or a condition of being. Was about to explode last night so let it blog out of me... Your reading this and being inspired to write touched me deeply.

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  2. I don't know what to comment. This left me numb. The only thing I can say is that this pain and suffering is just not fair.

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  3. This is a tough personal write ~ I hope you find your answer one way or another ~ All I can say is it has never been fair ~

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  4. I know pain and could relate to bits of your poem. I have had back surgery and have autoimmune illnesses. I could relate and it was hard to read. I can't imagine how hard to write... I wish for the pink tutu fairy-you are meant to share your gifts! I am sorry! I hope you write out your pain and do a book~ There are gifts when we share-You aren't alone! (hugs)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Ella. Hugs always welcome. Just needed a release. I know so many others deal with more than me. Hugs back. I actually have proof of inability to focus so my blog is the extent of my writing for now. Maybe after a year or so of neurofeedback, brain will calm down to normal level again.

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  5. hello Maggie Grace, just letting you know i was here and am quite moved by what you have written. hope you are able to find a way out of that kind of pain.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading this and letting me know you were here. I did it just for release not expecting any reads or comments. Was so surprised when I woke up today.

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  6. Such a raw and honest write. I hope you find healing.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Loredana...for reading and for your wish for me.

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