Wednesday, August 21, 2013


no longer depressed
after two years on the drug
off I go
weaning per instructions
but my brain
doesn't follow instructions
not any more
it screams when i stop
when doctor says ok to stop
google and research
husband becomes pharmacist
smash/measure/put in capsules
25 mg for a week
20 mg for a week
15 mg for a week
down from 100 to 50 for a week
50 to 25 for a week
but 25 to nothing
is a nightmare
had 15 mg for a week
5 days free then cyclone
in head
can't see straight
back to feeding the monster

but only 10 mg
maybe for a month
before going off
next time
for good

so not okay with pain
this drug is screaming
for a minute amount
my brain trained to crave it
more than any mind control
could hold once i knew of it
more than any drug ever
in my life

many surgeries
followed by oxy and percocet
a few days and onto advil
no problem
but this
something i feel good WITHOUT
is forcing me to take it

chinese herbs
to alleviate symptoms 
of depression
and this little pill

it should be outlawed
i needed it when i went on it
but now i hate iti hate my brain NEEDING it
i hate the headache without it
i'm weak

i'm ready to be happy
please dear god
let me be happy
by my 61st birthday
three months
please let go of me
i'm so tired of being a prisoner
to the govt
and now to the effin pill
stop the world
i want to get off
antidepressant free


  1. Said so succinctly! I empathise. Anyone reading this will feel the pleading, as I have done.

    1. Thanks, Gail, for reading. So sweet of you to get into my brain. Really. Feeling much better today. Hubby and I made a plan. Ten days on teensy dose and go off until brain makes me go back on. Repeat. I did go longer before the dizziness/headache this time. So perhaps it will keep extending. As long as I'm okay on this miniscule amount, guess I can't fuss too much. Well, I could... lol.