Wednesday, August 14, 2013

A Birth Too Far

Inspired by Sam Edge's writing about revealing self truths.

Creating Alters ~ Polyvore by Grace 2244

my birth not meant for joy
a creation for cold war government
loved only until i began to remember
disowned immediately
and only after first memory of incest
not exactly the act of an innocent
he made mother choose between him
or staying in contact with me
then the rest
intentionally made a multiple
personalities trained for government deeds
and "special projects"
some were never used 
because anticipated events
never happened
but always the ones wanting suicide
at each move forward with healing
i've survived all they programmed
into my fragmented mind
but wonder how many others
and were suicide statistics
instead of death by government evil
engineered by Germans...Nazis
Operation Paperclip
who taught me well
and traumatized me to the brink of death
over and over
to keep my mind creating more of me
systems within systems
meant to be sturdy
but came down
not exactly like a house of cards
more like Lego by Lego
until it collapsed
most don't grasp "polyfragmented"
they just know Sybil
still I healed
no proof of my beginnings
but know my own truth
mother's egg
artificially inseminated
with "royal" sperm
i know my sperm donor family
a secret world even from the donors
bloodlines meant to carry on
not "my father's" child
my father's asset to maintain the terror
but never too far
for he would pay the price
of not living up to his bargain with the devil
he is gone now
i've yet to spit on his grave
i see my life in movies and tv shows
La Femme Nikita
Orphan Black
Manchurian Candidate
genetics gone awry in labs
the things i saw that no one would believe
everything before amnesia broke
intended for no one to believe
my truth is unbelievable
so i scream it at the top of my lungs
thousands like me
trying to heal
not enough therapists to treat multiples
let alone the ones from "the programs"
my truth sucks
and when i scream at something in the media
it is my primal self recalling
what was done to me/us
who believes FUBAR
not enough tears
to mourn my life
death has to be kinder


  1. oh wow...orphan black...crazy show...and if that is a a story you was messed up what was done to you...

    1. Yes, very messed up. Orphan Black is amazing acting. I don't know how far cloning has gone. What frightens me in the background of my mind is the thought of eliminating anyone who remembers so there are no traces left. That theme is common...even Bourne Identity. They relied on all the suicide programming to work at some point. I survived it all. I don't know if I'm the first to completely heal. I don't know if going for neurofeedback is crossing some unknown line that they are waiting for me to cross. I've not been hurt since remembering but am monitored. Birth to death program. They want to know when I'm gone. It's an awful life even with just a fraction of the fear remaining, it's still there. Have been run off road and cars pulling out in front of me...always same kind of truck. Arghhhhhh. It's all fubar, Brian. So you can see I do need to express myself in uncommon ways. Thanks for reading. It was really nagging at me.