dVerse: Does Death Have A Voice?

dVerse: Poetics DMT

Hand Me Downs, Polyvore by grace2244

no drugs necessary for self talk

when others exist within

tho drugs often desired

to battle the trauma 

that created my selves

my life this year has been 

life or death

a constant mind battle

craving a mind meld in favor of life

yet trying not to cut too deeply

to keep other me from

having her way

at first me vs. them

(the perpetrators within)

wishing & pursuing my death

now advanced to seemingly

one me...two minds

half life...half craving death

working to change the balance

in my favor

always wondering if she

will completely take over

and they will win...finally

day to day

i wonder if i will be alive

to see the next morning

more coping skills

exhausting & draining

withdrawn from what i knew

who am i becoming?

who will be speaking in my stead?

will there be another

or is this the end

my dream today is to live

til this weekend

to have dinner with friends

short term goals

crawling

wanting this era of my life

to be over

whatever that means

dVerse: Stayin' Alive

dVerse: Question of Identity

Polyvore by grace2244

i thought i knew who i was
who i loved
what i wanted
but then it all changed
my life in a moment
stripped me of any knowledge
or identity previously known

only be getting unstuck 
from the muck of stolen memory
did i come to know of me
and the multiplicity of me
coming out of the tarpit
i found a new life
a new love
a new way of being

the second blow of 
body falling apart
took back my life's new direction
but my love stayed
he is now my husband

what remains are my remnants
of trauma
that threaten my existence
more than i care to admit
what holds me together
is my life with my husband
and our dog
and our dreams

but first must get past
current barrage of parts of me
hellbent on death
waiting waiting for help
to keep me alive

dVerse: Waiting to Blossom

dVerse: Poetics ~ Color Me Spring

Art by Sunita Khedekar

how i yearn for spring

eternally

to find the buds within

ready to open to life

and see color

bright, vivid, happy

feel the winds

the lion of march

the lamb of april

the warm sun

beaming down 

soaked up by face & body

FELT

for the first time

outside of hiding

adults directly from the womb

of amnesia

buds in waiting

for their time

to fully blossom

                                                                                                                 

dVerse: Edges

dVerse: Poetics ~ Micro/Macro

Photo by Shanyn


always on the edge of sanity
one step from free fall
into relapse
or on the brink of happiness
longing to be sure-footed

 

 

 

dVerse: Invisibles

dVerse: Poetics ~ Invisibility

Polyvore by Maggie Grace

growing up invisible
not seen...unheard
not allowed to be a me

a lifetime filled
with an invisible world
invisible mes
known only to "them"
while conscious me
the quiet one
afraid to speak up

when the invisibles of me
became known
healing began for what
no one could see
nor would i want them to see

recently learned there is no end
to the healing...to the invisibles
someone new with me now
letting her feel acceptance and love
offering her a new home
a new space in my mind
my invisible world

dVerse: Sunflower Lily Pads

dVerse: Poetics ~ Sketchbook...In The Moment

Polyvore by Grace Beam

dreaming of the sea

and fields of sunflowers

so i float along the sea 

on a sunflower lily pad

loving the sun on my face

the breeze of the ocean

the sound of the waves

soft lapping against the boat

i watch you on the shore

as i float along

magic bubbles carry colorful fish

across the sky

while seagulls dive

for sunflower seeds

secure in our love

knowing you are there

while i am here

in the magic of my mind

dVerse: Who Am I

dVerse: Poetics ~ Repetition

Polyvore by Grace2244

 















who am i
egg & sperm combined
for a sinister government program

who am i
that the woman who was
my egg mother
turned me away the moment
i remembered being molested
and honored the "father's" wishes
to pronounce me dead

who am i
that in his obituary
it was decided
my name would not be listed
as a daughter
absolving him of all
responsibility

who am i
that he was not my birth father
but only the one meant
to maintain the terror and abuse
a pact with the devil 
before my conception

who am i
soon to be answered
in some sense
validated that it was her egg
awaiting the results
to see if sperm donor
is the answer received
from the universe

somehow i would be happy
to know i did not come
from the "father"
who died 2/4/2011
a day after his birthday
always the day after
groundhog day

i like to think the sperm donor
was the one whose birthdate
held my numbers
born the 24th in 1924
the secret royal sperm bank
i dream of having been born
to that family instead
far from the cruel inhumanity
hidden as a "special" possession

my life circling around
like the movie
again and again
always landing on
who am i
but also knowing
the answer
no one would believe
who i am

dVerse: Humanity of Trees

dVerse: Poetics ~ Trees

Muir Woods

the magnetic energy of a tree
is the same as a human
hugging trees isn't just an expression
it's good for the soul

i've lived in awe of trees
regardless of memory
life from both sides of amnesia
the redwoods once seen in Muir Woods
to the pines of Sedona

home for wildlife
protection from the elements
for all beings
wisdom to be shared
for those who dare listen

ageless wisdom
until someone willingly
hacks it off revealing its rings
the secrets one should never see
it bleeds not
but my heart does
when a tree has been taken

maybe trees have a soul
that takes up residence in a sapling
when an elder is murdered
or mother nature sacrifices
a chosen one
i prefer to believe their wisdom
lives on forever

with outstretched limbs
calling all to its energy
for comfort and shelter
shade and breeze
the heart of earth
beats within each

if a tree falls in the forest
the others gently and lovingly
bury it in their shedding leaves
grieving and creating
new life

dVerse: Light of My Life

dVerse: Poetics ~ Candles & Lights

in youth the menorah
was special
great grandmother with lace
on her head
said the hebrew prayer
moving her hands so gracefully
grandmother's house felt safe
both are gone now
and i pray for no trauma connections

shamed if we asked 
for christmas lights
but chanukah never carried out
to be special at home
wherever home was
that year

a few trees with lights
and glitter
in adult life
but it never felt special
i gave up trying
and found it happier
avoiding any ceremony

withdrawn from religion
as soon as i had choice
even in marriages
christmas felt sad
during 12-year courtship
with current husband
we had lovely bear tree
several years
but my heart still felt
heavy even with the loveliness 
and we stopped

full understanding now
of no connection or avoidance
of christmas
and loving the season spirit
this year though no lights 
or fuss with puppy
but the light in our eyes
and in our hearts
the play of the moon
on the snow-blanketed earth
is christmas and beauty enough

dVerse: She Shatters Self

dVerse: Poetics ~ Alice

Alice falls into a hole
and several of her land
one too small
one too tall
true blue pinafore...just right

one way through the looking glass 
i say she shatters self
and off she goes
several ways at once
in search of "this way out"

along the way she meets
a scattered hare too late
a cat with hookah high on quips
a knight in full daylight

joined at tea by hedgehogs
and other hedgerow critters
comes the odd Mad Hatter
of all the ones in wonderland
he's the one who seems to matter

though he might be mad
he leads her back
through the looking glass
where one cannot truly see
back home she finds herself
but does she have the
memory?


(This doesn't flow well and my brain just isn't working. My main thought was that Alice split when she landed but returned home whole again...similar to my path in life.)

dVerse: Rose Toes

dVerse: Poetics ~ Rose Toes

 

 

Photo by Grace Beam

no shoes is my preferred foot wear
with rose colored toes
a pedi from my favorite spa
the polish shade found in 2008
though a different rose shade
adorned my toes in Italy 2005


2007 led to numerous surgeries
but I never entered the OR without
my pretty toes
it became a kind of good luck charm
and something to cheer me up
poking out of hospital sheets

married with pretty toes last year
followed by a honeymoon to France 
a few months later
with a new pedi

the pedis stop when too cold for sandals
but still am barefoot indoors
bare feet go into my boots
after a polish-free season
my toes were painted
for my sojourn to Sedona in March

my feet might not be made for walking
but i want them to be pretty
rose toes go with me 
to all places important 
my personal tradition
sole to soul ~ my happy feet

dVerse: Daytimers to Timeless

dVerse: Poetics ~ Calendar

growing up oblivious to time
pushed along in childhood by
school bells going from class to class
later to break times at work with
time either flying by to my astonishment
or moving agonizingly slow

as a therapist for almost four years
my life driven by my hourly daytimer
name and arrows
reminding myself before and after
each appointment of what was to come
often having to glance to
remember new names

now "retired" i regress
oblivious to day and time
wednesday feels like saturday
phone alarms remind me of life
outside my home
puppy licks tell me when to get up
and eyelids tell me of bedtime

happy to be without a daytimer
and go with the flow of the day
or the needs of my bouncing puppy
trying to figure out how to find time
to write

dVerse: Late Life Childhood

dVerse: Poetics ~ Childhood Toys & Games

two sisters but mostly alone
my favorite toy was a stuffed bear
christmas present when i was 3
living in germany
military father
Steiff...the cadillac of stuffies
age 5 near Boston
dolls that could walk
mom took me to pick one out
but i never played with it
always the bear
upset mother
i spent hours outside
on the swings...alone
or played hopscotch...solo
hour after hour
as older child
father taught me strategy games
chess, bridge, cribbage
angry if i didn't do it right
games not fun
until i was a therapist
having learned play therapy
working with children
found my favorite books
and kept them in my office
began to have dolls
collectible So Truly Real
anatomically correct
at first in the office
then a few dolls at home
an act of self nurturing
since i had other parts of me
healed to become therapist
but healing continued
in therapeutic ways
as i worked with others
my toys are new and treasured
a moses basket filled with stuffed animals
from when i was healing
and parts identified with them
now that i'm whole
they are my tribute to who
once was me

Photo by Grace Beam

dVerse: Halloween á la Seuss

dVerse: The Lighter Side of Halloween

i do not like a vampire's teeth
i do not like the  zombies 'neath
the rising new apocalypse
my distance i will truly keep

i do not like things that scare
i would not do even on a dare
i do not like the haunted house
i'd rather be scared by a mouse

i do not like yuck body parts
even on CSI's shooting lot
i do not like things of horror
i keep the door closed
locked ten times over

from trick or treaters
i still hide
within the dark
safely inside


(I'm sorry but I won't be reading others' for fear of running into something ghoulish and triggering.)

dVerse: Escape into Poetry

dVerse: Poetics ~ Mind of a Child

who knew a child could
crawl inside an encyclopedia
of poetry
to escape the world

from the time i could read
i'd go to the three volumes
the red books
filled with words
that made me smile

as early as kindergarten
i found solace in
mother goose
and illustrations
and writing down a poem
matched with a picture
from a magazine
my extra credit
because i was a brown noser
since first grade

my favorite activity outside
was swinging as high as i could
that to this day
sitting in an airplane
taking off
my mind recites
"how i love to go up in the air,
up in the air so blue"
and i smile

dVerse: Under the Tuscan Nunnery

dVerse: Poetics ~ Viva Italia

Photo by Grace Beam

our "cottage" was a nunnery

the whole nunnery and outbuildings

in the heart of tuscany

my self-taught italian

had gotten us from milan

to cinque terre to my dream

a tiny town ~ mercatale

a grocery store for chef brian

our stone "cottage" slightly chilled

we snuggle around a fire

in may

i wake up to eggs sizzling

prosciutto frying

toast and tea

the chef at work in the

tiny kitchenette

the nunnery is dark

having closed the shutters at night

opening the shutters that first morning

is the photo above

seared into my mind

the peace

the calm

bees buzzing

poppies in bloom

it is safe

it is a feeling of home

never known before

a piece of tuscany

lodged in my heart and soul

to tap into every day

what memories should be

always

 

 

 

dVerse: Above This Orbit

dVerse: Poetics

Writing to the Art of Catrin Welz-Stein

 

 

Where The Starlight Begins by Catrin Welz-Stein 

high above this orbit
far from earthbound danger
i roam the safety of the stars
held within the moon's glow

high above this earth
my world when being here
was too much for my mind to bear
where time was nonexistent
and pain relegated to
a me of a distant plane

now one of this earth  
healed beyond the pain ~
still wishing to be among the stars
walking the constellations
hiding within the peaceful unknown

 

dVerse: Chaos Rules

dVerse: Poetics ~ Peace

i march to a different beat
knowing regardless of
desire for peace
warmongers are at work
setting up a house of cards
to fall exactly as planned
to create disorder and chaos
in the world
because the rich get richer
when we are at war

images of peace marches
in the sixties
police beating those shouting peace
with clubs
and tossing tear gas
and shoot to kill at Kent State

peace marches for civil rights
end in death and chaos for
the peaceful ones
because hatred trumps peace
as war trumps peace

and while the UN proclaims
a day of peace
they are guilty themselves
of engaging in the
drug and sex slave trade
as shown in The Whistle Blower
so don't dare try to stop
the madness 

peace is a picture 
of a dove and an olive branch
though it may as well be
a black helicopter
dropping sarin gas

 

dVerse: Need A Bigger Boat

dVerse: Stuck In My Head

when i see dead people
most people can't handle the truth
but i don't really see them
just once...
no one puts Baby in the corner
but that's my preferred spot
so no one can sneak up
behind me
my lack of sense of time
has my husband saying with me now
during the announcement of
a season finale
"BUT IT JUST STARTED!"
we giggle but it's still disconcerting

we are both movie buffs
so quotes are part of our
mainstay vocabulary
we always need a bigger boat
and nothing looks like Kansas
to me
not that i knew what it looked like ever
we'll hop on that bandwagon
when we get to it
like Ziva on NCIS i mix up the sayings
but he always knows what i mean
ya know what i mean? 
Houston, we always have a problem.

 

dVerse: Memory Gap Lane

dVerse: Remembering Or Not

i remember enough moments
in childhood
that it felt whole
stitched together seamlessly.
i have a happy memory
of my older sister
sitting on the floor with me
in our bedroom
teaching me how
to tie a shoe
and photos shown to me
enough times
to fill in blanks.
a single moment
became an entire event
or even a year of my life

i can't remember
the tv show i saw last week
or the movie
i just paid to watch
that we saw earlier this year
did i just take that pill or not?
did i just say this to you?
do you remember our wedding day?
i remember almost every moment
and vividly recall details
of italy and france.
our times
joy locked away safely
my special stash