CD: Blues

Carpe Diem #576 ~ Blues

a year of the blues
nothing jazzy about death
now singing of life

CD: Enough

Carpe Diem Special #109 ~ Francis of Assisi #4

Photo Source

a brush of your hand

is enough to light up my world

dVerse: No to Death

dVerse: Poetics ~ Darkness to Light

stepping into free fall
of the abyss
my mind floats to peace
freedom
sparing the ones i love
from my burden
no more pain
for me

coming to in the ER
i see his face strained with
fear and tension
a look that still lingers
i've hurt him
not what i intended
i'd hoped to set him free too

multiple attempts at my own life
this year
each a worse method than before
the parts of me wanting me dead
i choose to outsmart them
by choosing my own way ~
the only control i feel i have

healing is traumatic
i wanted to die
each conflict feels like a hell
i shouldn't be alive to have to face it
yet the moments come
the aha moments that strike
like lightening
silence my being 
as i listen to the echoes of them
make connections throughout
my mind
the enormity of the message
driving me toward my demise

i fight/fought so hard to be safe in life
i was finding happiness in ways
i had not found before
at the height of the happiness
i'm swallowed up by death
because the message running through me
is "life is unsafe"
my loyal parts are trying to "save me" from life

my father's death triggered a message
designed for me to kill myself
it's conscious now
i can untwist the message
and all related meanings
i can be truly safe
understanding the double language

i'm glad to have survived
to gain this new essential insight
into what drove my being
i choose now to say no to death
to say yes to love
and happiness
he lost this war

dVerse: Does Death Have A Voice?

dVerse: Poetics DMT

Hand Me Downs, Polyvore by grace2244

no drugs necessary for self talk

when others exist within

tho drugs often desired

to battle the trauma 

that created my selves

my life this year has been 

life or death

a constant mind battle

craving a mind meld in favor of life

yet trying not to cut too deeply

to keep other me from

having her way

at first me vs. them

(the perpetrators within)

wishing & pursuing my death

now advanced to seemingly

one me...two minds

half life...half craving death

working to change the balance

in my favor

always wondering if she

will completely take over

and they will win...finally

day to day

i wonder if i will be alive

to see the next morning

more coping skills

exhausting & draining

withdrawn from what i knew

who am i becoming?

who will be speaking in my stead?

will there be another

or is this the end

my dream today is to live

til this weekend

to have dinner with friends

short term goals

crawling

wanting this era of my life

to be over

whatever that means

dVerse: Stayin' Alive

dVerse: Question of Identity

Polyvore by grace2244

i thought i knew who i was
who i loved
what i wanted
but then it all changed
my life in a moment
stripped me of any knowledge
or identity previously known

only be getting unstuck 
from the muck of stolen memory
did i come to know of me
and the multiplicity of me
coming out of the tarpit
i found a new life
a new love
a new way of being

the second blow of 
body falling apart
took back my life's new direction
but my love stayed
he is now my husband

what remains are my remnants
of trauma
that threaten my existence
more than i care to admit
what holds me together
is my life with my husband
and our dog
and our dreams

but first must get past
current barrage of parts of me
hellbent on death
waiting waiting for help
to keep me alive

dVerse: Topiary

dVerse: Self Portrait

Topiary ~ Collage Art by grace2244

this was me a few years ago

when i was healing

now it's me again

falling apart

trying not to

trying to find strength

when parts want to die

 my circle of life

i know i'm feminine

and love pink

but my head is still a blur

and i'm entwined in

all the evil of my past

me trying to turn weeds

into beautiful thriving flowers

i cut the pink dress

to put into this conglomeration

because

that's how i knew it was me

wanting to grow out of the past

wanting to embrace the future

wondering how i will do that

when unseen vines

keep pulling me down

 

CD: Roots

Carpe Diem ~ Konsenji (Temple 3)

Image Source

under bodhi tree

roots to enlightenment

begin life's path

dVerse: Who Am I

dVerse: Poetics ~ Repetition

Polyvore by Grace2244

 















who am i
egg & sperm combined
for a sinister government program

who am i
that the woman who was
my egg mother
turned me away the moment
i remembered being molested
and honored the "father's" wishes
to pronounce me dead

who am i
that in his obituary
it was decided
my name would not be listed
as a daughter
absolving him of all
responsibility

who am i
that he was not my birth father
but only the one meant
to maintain the terror and abuse
a pact with the devil 
before my conception

who am i
soon to be answered
in some sense
validated that it was her egg
awaiting the results
to see if sperm donor
is the answer received
from the universe

somehow i would be happy
to know i did not come
from the "father"
who died 2/4/2011
a day after his birthday
always the day after
groundhog day

i like to think the sperm donor
was the one whose birthdate
held my numbers
born the 24th in 1924
the secret royal sperm bank
i dream of having been born
to that family instead
far from the cruel inhumanity
hidden as a "special" possession

my life circling around
like the movie
again and again
always landing on
who am i
but also knowing
the answer
no one would believe
who i am

dVerse: Most Likely

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

most likely to succeed
i cringe each time i think of it
class speaker
honors graduate
no scholarships
because i wanted only 
to join the service
one half inch too small
for the army
tossed out into the work world

two years later enlisted 
in air force
somehow cheating the one half inch
russian language school
later to be used to spy
on russian pilots
by eavesdropping from NSA
but i rebelled at that secret
of the job
thought i was to be an interpreter
out early on post-vietnam release

failed marriages
never reaching my career goals
not knowing a puppetmaster
directed me wherever i went
had what i thought was a good career
it was enough and i was happy
then all began to unravel
outside and inside

amnesia began to fail
and falling apart at work
sent up all kinds of flairs
since a puppetmaster was
a VP at work
terror and trying to hold it together
as long as i could
finally separated from work world
a world that had always been guided
against my knowledge and will

felt redeemed as a therapist
but that fell apart with my body
most likely to succeed
such an inadequate feeling

dVerse: I Survived

dVerse: Poetics ~ Both Sides


i survived a government program
though often wish i hadn't
when i speak of my past
people don't believe
or think i'm a conspiracy theory nut
or just plain nuts

i think i must have survived for a reason
that used to be so i could be a therapist
to help others through
the horrifying journey called healing
but then my body fell apart
less than four years 
after earning my masters degree
and my body never healed
and i never got to say goodbye
to my clients
the ones i did or was helping

i used to write because i loved it
my integration last year
seems to have shifted that focus
dVerse and haiku
and some days that is difficult
i don't know why i lived
i don't think i am "living"
i'm here and don't know why

i wait for the days or weeks
every few years to "run away"
to a safe place far from here
wishing to stay there
but not having the means to do so
who am i and what am i doing here
the constant battle
even if healing is "winning"
it feels like i've lost all
just by being me

CD: Mysteries

Carpe Diem #379 ~ Ulan-Ude

monks bury beloved one

in secrecy while others
try to recall past

***

mystery of monk
miracle life preserved
past lives come together

 

dVerse: A Time to Die

 dVerse: OpenLinkNight

i'd like to die at 65
i tell my psychiatrist
explaining i'm not depressed
just tired of expending energy
to live

i told my husband the same thing
last week
"that's not much time" he says
since i just turned 61
i want it to be peacefully
in my sleep
even though i still have
a full bucket list

psych says it's not abnormal
to just be tired of living
he knows it's not depression
at least no longer
but maybe
because my healing continues
less mental energy
will be expended 
and the desire to live longer
will grow stronger

i would like to see
the greek isles
visit sedona again
save up for a
chocolate indulgence massage day
at hershey spa

through my journey
from collapse from trauma memory
i have learned transcendence
trusting in my internal higher power
knowing jung's world of personality
stood on a hilltop in sedona
hearing the mountains speak to me

i have known unconditional love
the joy of laughing with my husband
and far too much pain
i long for the soylent green room
without the aftermath
my ashes in lavender fields
in europe brings me so much peace

dVerse: Proof of Life

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

Image Source

the truth of me
insanity to most
validation comes
cuts
sharp as a razor
flash of pain and insight
                                                
no proof of me
but what i know
my truths and known truths
match like puzzle pieces

so many government programs
other survivors have similar pasts
but i have some unique to all
what isn't unique is the one message
that began in my collages of healing
and ended with an astounding answer
regarding my creation
not in broad strokes 
but great specificity
which is so rare with recovering memory

prisoner without bars
with amnesia in tact
fear of death after knowing
each
tiny
detail
secrets were joined
with death messages
so many i'm almost immune
wondering if this new answer
will be a step too far
or if enough know out there
to protect me

if my dna history
goes with my reality
it's not enough to prove
but enough for me to know
the accuracy of my past
my purpose for being
horrid purpose that it was
i would finally know
with certainty for my mind
regardless of how it is
perceived by others

those without access to inner wisdom
cannot fathom the information
that one can know from the universe
my protector told me from the beginning
"I know everything."
he worked in amazing ways
i have no doubts of my "heritage" 
the gift of dna analysis
fell into my lap

i shied away from ordering a dna test
yet anything i was meant to know has
"landed in my lap"
hoping my life won't be the trade 
for this knowledge
not the fear i used to have
but an unsettling hint of anxiety
answer by valentine's day
the heart of my being









 

CD: New Journey

Carpe Diem ~ Aleph

life lived since birth
not the same since amnesia breaks
begin anew 

CD: Light Comes Late

Carpe Diem #360 ~ Circle of Life

 

born into darkness

light comes late in life for some

where does circle begin?

Christmas Eve 2013

 

home alone by choice
to allow sadness and vulnerability
to surface as it must
realize it is the first time
i have been feeling good until last night
when the trauma-related feelings hit
but the sadness is not consuming me

it is not me down in the pit
it is me realizing the sadness
is another emotion
and it doesn't need to be alone
it has support from stronger feelings
it doesn't own me any longer

the guilt of staying home seems odd
since great sadness, especially tonight,
usually had me feeling nothing else
except anxiety
now i can hold all emotions
and just notice, acknowledge
let them co-exist
likely what most know as normal

i am truly one

 

 

Christmas 2013

my nightmares of christmas
now in the land of severed memories
the vision of my unknown life
put upon a mental shelf
though validation is nice
in a painful sort of way

this december of christmas movies,
joy of lights, music, and puppy
very different and welcome
yet overwhelmed with
fatigue and thoughts of 
adding tissue to gift bags
just let me sleep

a quiet holiday
for mind and body
the greatest gift
a first time peace and calm
unafraid of opening gifts
that contain body parts
the selves who knew 
safely tucked within the whole

the life that was
no longer the priority
lingering thoughts 
within acceptable limits
your laughter the
sound of the season 

dVerse: Mother Tongue

dVerse: Meeting the Bar

i have no mother tongue
i'm not sure my mother was my bio mother
we moved frequently
so i have no particular dialect
i know words from several languages
and subconsciously spoke several

my life would be an unbelievable
movie of the week
raised by post war Nazis
brought into the US
by our own govt
except i knew them in Germany
before I could speak
and knew German commands
simultaneously with English

fear was my language
my first poetry
from second grade
speaks of death and graves
likely a red flag in today's society
but had that been my red flag
it would have meant
fear of death if i ever wrote again
so thank goodness no one noticed

poetry and images to accompany it
were my escape
from my unknown split selves
and became insight into my life
when i awoke from amnesia
in my forties
my words, my feelings on paper
that was my only reality
even if i didn't quite get the reality

mid forties to sixty was healing
sixty-one mostly healed
without all memory
same words coming out
in different ways
but still they come
new words like "puppy"
add new life
create new memories

grateful for a place to share 
where my past no longer matters
but the words that go with it 
are accepted without judgment
i'm an aberration
finding my way late in life
with new love and new family
finally embracing this holiday
we know as Christmas
my first holiday detached
from the fear it once meant

my first season of enjoying
holiday movies and
Christmas specials
and decorations
wishing all the dVerse family
a holiday of peace and
treasured memories




 

CD: Unknown Angel

Carpe Diem ~ Hando's "Footprints in the Sand"

Write a haiku in the same sense, tone, and spirit as this one:


footprints in the sand
to here and there and nowhere
and the gull flying

(c) Hando

My inspired haiku:

reflect on broken life

you carried me so many times

then unknown angel

 

CD: Poppies & Lavender

Carpe Diem ~ Ashes

life to death to ash
sprinkle me among poppies
and lavender
south of france or italy
to dance ever after