dVerse: No to Death

dVerse: Poetics ~ Darkness to Light

stepping into free fall
of the abyss
my mind floats to peace
freedom
sparing the ones i love
from my burden
no more pain
for me

coming to in the ER
i see his face strained with
fear and tension
a look that still lingers
i've hurt him
not what i intended
i'd hoped to set him free too

multiple attempts at my own life
this year
each a worse method than before
the parts of me wanting me dead
i choose to outsmart them
by choosing my own way ~
the only control i feel i have

healing is traumatic
i wanted to die
each conflict feels like a hell
i shouldn't be alive to have to face it
yet the moments come
the aha moments that strike
like lightening
silence my being 
as i listen to the echoes of them
make connections throughout
my mind
the enormity of the message
driving me toward my demise

i fight/fought so hard to be safe in life
i was finding happiness in ways
i had not found before
at the height of the happiness
i'm swallowed up by death
because the message running through me
is "life is unsafe"
my loyal parts are trying to "save me" from life

my father's death triggered a message
designed for me to kill myself
it's conscious now
i can untwist the message
and all related meanings
i can be truly safe
understanding the double language

i'm glad to have survived
to gain this new essential insight
into what drove my being
i choose now to say no to death
to say yes to love
and happiness
he lost this war

dVerse: Does Death Have A Voice?

dVerse: Poetics DMT

Hand Me Downs, Polyvore by grace2244

no drugs necessary for self talk

when others exist within

tho drugs often desired

to battle the trauma 

that created my selves

my life this year has been 

life or death

a constant mind battle

craving a mind meld in favor of life

yet trying not to cut too deeply

to keep other me from

having her way

at first me vs. them

(the perpetrators within)

wishing & pursuing my death

now advanced to seemingly

one me...two minds

half life...half craving death

working to change the balance

in my favor

always wondering if she

will completely take over

and they will win...finally

day to day

i wonder if i will be alive

to see the next morning

more coping skills

exhausting & draining

withdrawn from what i knew

who am i becoming?

who will be speaking in my stead?

will there be another

or is this the end

my dream today is to live

til this weekend

to have dinner with friends

short term goals

crawling

wanting this era of my life

to be over

whatever that means

dVerse: Shattering & Rebuilding...Constantly

dVerse: Poetics ~ Shattering the World and Rebuilding It

Polyvore by Grace2244...Shattered But Hopeful

i've dealt with parts of me

wanting to kill me before

for years it was a puzzle-like process

but no active attempt on my life

i had one close encounter in 2011

this year is testing my will

from every conceivable angle

an overdose in march

scissors too dull to cut my arm

sent me into a safe treatment facility

most don't understand dissociation

and having parts

and who would want to understand?

my healing has lead to miracles

last year in sedona

to wrestling myself for my life this year

two weeks undid the majority of the parts

(got them into healing)

though i thought i got it all.

soon after i got home

i discovered a straggler

and used my new skills to resolve

the part's hellbent goal to kill the body

so proud i was of my accomplishment

yet two days ago, i stumbled on a box cutter

in the drawer

someone else previously unknown

took over

thank goodness for dull blades in my home

while running it along my arm veins

i was screaming for help to my husband

it's tough to ask for help 

when another part is fixated on death

i figured out who the part was 

after my husband came to the rescue

calls to therapist and appointments made

the experts said they can never know

how many more times harm parts will surface

or how long this current "script" will be running

my internal world has shattered several times

and i've rebuilt each time

coming out a bit stronger

i thought i'd met my match two days ago

no one (or very few) understand this evil

that began when i was preverbal

and still impacts me today

decades later

i'm fighting

i'm trying 

battling to stay alive

before my strength becomes less

than theirs

i believe in angels

there must be angels

i should be dead

doom and gloom in writing

yes...always 

my world is mostly dark

but it's the light that makes it

worthwhile 

Thank you for this prompt. Sorry if too graphic for some.

dVerse: Written Words to Live

dVerse: Meeting the Bar ~ When Words Fail

Polyvore by grace2244

my answers used to come

through collages

and internal discussion

the written word was not necessary

the first time i overdosed

following my perp father's death

was not me

it was one of me

it came undone with hypnosis

and collages

it never occurred to me

it would happen again

last month, two years later,

i overdosed at the same time

after believing i had fully healed

the anniversary of his death

set a suicidal part off 

and when pills didn't work

a second time

the images in my head

terrified me

i was fortunate to be admitted

fairly quickly into a

trauma treatment center

where i learned that written words

were needed to reach

the harm parts

the old way wasn't working

they taught me a new way

am feeling safe again

all unsafe parts are in healing

or transformed

i have the skills now 

to recognize much earlier

when i need to write my way

to reach the ones who might

overwhelm me with harm messages

or take over and end my life

no expert knows if/when it will happen again

so i must be prepared

regularly to ask inside

written words can save my life

writing, always a part of me,

yet never thought to try that 

to communicate

i feel armed

the pen is my sword

not to kill

but to heal

words must fall

upon the page

for me to live

dVerse: Stayin' Alive

dVerse: Question of Identity

Polyvore by grace2244

i thought i knew who i was
who i loved
what i wanted
but then it all changed
my life in a moment
stripped me of any knowledge
or identity previously known

only be getting unstuck 
from the muck of stolen memory
did i come to know of me
and the multiplicity of me
coming out of the tarpit
i found a new life
a new love
a new way of being

the second blow of 
body falling apart
took back my life's new direction
but my love stayed
he is now my husband

what remains are my remnants
of trauma
that threaten my existence
more than i care to admit
what holds me together
is my life with my husband
and our dog
and our dreams

but first must get past
current barrage of parts of me
hellbent on death
waiting waiting for help
to keep me alive

dVerse: Topiary

dVerse: Self Portrait

Topiary ~ Collage Art by grace2244

this was me a few years ago

when i was healing

now it's me again

falling apart

trying not to

trying to find strength

when parts want to die

 my circle of life

i know i'm feminine

and love pink

but my head is still a blur

and i'm entwined in

all the evil of my past

me trying to turn weeds

into beautiful thriving flowers

i cut the pink dress

to put into this conglomeration

because

that's how i knew it was me

wanting to grow out of the past

wanting to embrace the future

wondering how i will do that

when unseen vines

keep pulling me down

 

dVerse: Totems

dVerse: Poetics ~ Animal Symbolism

Image Source

what is your totem animal?
i used to think such things gimmicky
until i came to understand
the presence of certain animals
birds, dragonflies, fish
to have meaning
in the overall scheme of things
called synchronicity

in Sedona, i saw hummingbirds
for the first time ever
my first morning
out the window while having
a healing massage
later in the day
a hummingbird crossed my path
while hiking on the mountain trail
after a chakra cleanse
back at the hotel
google: hummingbirds

ravens were a totem 
throughout my healing
sometimes bluejays and cardinals
crossed my path several times
in close proximity
my compass in life 
is sometimes marked
by nature's signs

i have learned to heed
the universe
and all it offers
to lead us out of our darkness
and into the healing light
of living

dVerse: Darth Vader-Evil

dVerse: Kennings ~ Coin A Term

Polyvore by grace2244

MK-Ultra
the government's mind control program
with 83 sub-projects
called umbrella programs
that drugged children,
students, prisoners,
other unwitting victims
just to see what would happen
and more sadistic programs

could a child be developed 
as a secret agent
highly skilled
in many areas
without her knowledge
through predetermined
trauma-based dissociation
beginning at birth

a child built like a computer
to operate on cues, codes, signals,
programs upon programs
complete with self-destruct button(s)
call out dissociated personalities
with a particular skill
use them in a mission
and send them back to sleep mode
without even a flicker of radar
in the conscious child's brain?

what term can be used 
to describe this kind of program
an umbrella is too innocent 
to serve as a cover up
Darth Vader-evil imposed upon
innocents to serve our country

by whom?
the CIA
an underground CIA
something called the CIA but is not
at what level of government
is this Darth Vader-evil
that no one wants to see
or acknowledge

tick tick tick...

dVerse: Waiting to Blossom

dVerse: Poetics ~ Color Me Spring

Art by Sunita Khedekar

how i yearn for spring

eternally

to find the buds within

ready to open to life

and see color

bright, vivid, happy

feel the winds

the lion of march

the lamb of april

the warm sun

beaming down 

soaked up by face & body

FELT

for the first time

outside of hiding

adults directly from the womb

of amnesia

buds in waiting

for their time

to fully blossom

                                                                                                                 

dVerse: BAM

dVerse: Poetic Evolution

Polyvore by Maggie Grace

at age 7 i wrote of death
at 61 still writing of death
almost 20 years of healing
no fully/mostly conscious life
until my 40s
thought i had healed PERIOD
last year
and BAM
handfuls of pills
back into therapy

the evolution has been external
left a marriage where my need to heal
was unacknowledged
12 years with a loving man
who supported me from multiplicity
through several integrations
and an attempted suicide
we married a year later

he was with me last week
when second suicide attempt failed
knowing it wasn't "me" taking the pills
my circle of friends
real and virtual
has evolved in a beautiful
and unexpected way

i write my life
dVerse has helped me evolve
in expression and support
thankful you chose to continue
♥

dVerse: Invisibles

dVerse: Poetics ~ Invisibility

Polyvore by Maggie Grace

growing up invisible
not seen...unheard
not allowed to be a me

a lifetime filled
with an invisible world
invisible mes
known only to "them"
while conscious me
the quiet one
afraid to speak up

when the invisibles of me
became known
healing began for what
no one could see
nor would i want them to see

recently learned there is no end
to the healing...to the invisibles
someone new with me now
letting her feel acceptance and love
offering her a new home
a new space in my mind
my invisible world

dVerse: I Overdosed

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

i overdosed on 2/22
not because my life was too hard
it's been heaven comparatively
since last May's integration
a part of me surfaced near
Valentine's Day
carrying death messages
which I avoided through 2/14
i was fine on 2/15
thought it was over

my mind hasn't been on healing
from dissociative parts
for so long, it seems
normally i would have called
for help when the part appeared
but thought i had handled it

husband went out for a few hours
on 2/22
i thought my thoughts were mine
felt like me convincing myself
all would be better without me
i took as many pills as i could
plus two drinks of alcohol
(not something part of my regular routine)
i was still awake when husband returned
but it was my nap time

a few hours later
after no sleep
and realizing i wan't going to die
i told him
was dizzy and body was shaking
wanted to wait until morning

called therapist first thing
she said go to ER for medical impact
was there all day
no drugs showed up in tests
a DID "trick" ~ body registers
what it was "told" to do
three social workers and a
call to my therapist
allowed me to go home

doing okay
had therapy session
and another for monday
dizziness is lessened today
am almost functioning
didn't sleep as much
happy to be here
with husband and puppy

DID from birth
no total healing
must be on guard for
any activity internally
i could have killed myself
and it would have appeared
that's what i wanted

dVerse: If I Give My Heart...I Die

dVerse: OpenLinkNight ~ Valentine's Day

not a gift
a surprise
thought my healing
ended the
death dates
the internal messages
of the manner of death

it started the night
of the 12th
2...14...2.....14
"a good day to die"
always dates with double digits
triple digits stronger
a holiday with a full moon
they wanted me to die
by my own hand

"suicided" is their preferred
method of death
no "hands on" needed
just overwhelming messages
to die
and a specific manner

keeping their message separate
from my own thoughts
can be tricky
i hid in bed
away from the pills
reliving my death sequence
until it stopped
the day after

despair that something
can still get through
with that strength
wondering when 
my own mind
will turn against me
again

dVerse: Sunflower Lily Pads

dVerse: Poetics ~ Sketchbook...In The Moment

Polyvore by Grace Beam

dreaming of the sea

and fields of sunflowers

so i float along the sea 

on a sunflower lily pad

loving the sun on my face

the breeze of the ocean

the sound of the waves

soft lapping against the boat

i watch you on the shore

as i float along

magic bubbles carry colorful fish

across the sky

while seagulls dive

for sunflower seeds

secure in our love

knowing you are there

while i am here

in the magic of my mind

dVerse: Death Defying

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

Polyvore by Grace Beam

his death three years ago

i should be clicking my heels

why the dark thoughts and feelings?

back to the drawing board

literally

process feelings with images

death with someone peeking through

after completing the art

i realize it is my internalized mother part

looking at me

diluted programming

still notice the message to join "him"

since integrating

i don't believe any former part

can act alone

but the feeling sucks

once again my desire

to celebrate his passing

is quashed by the brainwashing

of my past

proof the haunting continues

trying not to give it merit

yet must acknowledge

the grief my mother part

is feeling deeply

bonded to the abuser

stockholm syndrome

lives on after death

reaching me from his hell

dVerse: Who Am I

dVerse: Poetics ~ Repetition

Polyvore by Grace2244

 















who am i
egg & sperm combined
for a sinister government program

who am i
that the woman who was
my egg mother
turned me away the moment
i remembered being molested
and honored the "father's" wishes
to pronounce me dead

who am i
that in his obituary
it was decided
my name would not be listed
as a daughter
absolving him of all
responsibility

who am i
that he was not my birth father
but only the one meant
to maintain the terror and abuse
a pact with the devil 
before my conception

who am i
soon to be answered
in some sense
validated that it was her egg
awaiting the results
to see if sperm donor
is the answer received
from the universe

somehow i would be happy
to know i did not come
from the "father"
who died 2/4/2011
a day after his birthday
always the day after
groundhog day

i like to think the sperm donor
was the one whose birthdate
held my numbers
born the 24th in 1924
the secret royal sperm bank
i dream of having been born
to that family instead
far from the cruel inhumanity
hidden as a "special" possession

my life circling around
like the movie
again and again
always landing on
who am i
but also knowing
the answer
no one would believe
who i am

dVerse: Most Likely

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

most likely to succeed
i cringe each time i think of it
class speaker
honors graduate
no scholarships
because i wanted only 
to join the service
one half inch too small
for the army
tossed out into the work world

two years later enlisted 
in air force
somehow cheating the one half inch
russian language school
later to be used to spy
on russian pilots
by eavesdropping from NSA
but i rebelled at that secret
of the job
thought i was to be an interpreter
out early on post-vietnam release

failed marriages
never reaching my career goals
not knowing a puppetmaster
directed me wherever i went
had what i thought was a good career
it was enough and i was happy
then all began to unravel
outside and inside

amnesia began to fail
and falling apart at work
sent up all kinds of flairs
since a puppetmaster was
a VP at work
terror and trying to hold it together
as long as i could
finally separated from work world
a world that had always been guided
against my knowledge and will

felt redeemed as a therapist
but that fell apart with my body
most likely to succeed
such an inadequate feeling

Holding On

Image Source

60 Minutes
mental illness
emotional disorders
lack of psychiatrists
lack of beds in psychiatric facilities
long waits to get help
so few trained trauma therapists

i've lived through the system
i've hung on waiting for a bed
trying not to kill myself
after dissociatively overdosing

have been a therapist
when a highly suicidal client
had to wait weeks to be admitted
for proper care

my disorder was dissociation
most medical schools 
don't teach doctors about it
many therapists and counseling programs
avoid it, disavow it, or choose not to see it

incest is more acceptable
yet many victims of incest
who were pre-school age
did dissociate
one in four women a victim
how many of those were
young enough to dissociate
the numbers realistically
have to be extremely high

a known suicidal person
cannot be hospitalized
in a medical hospital
it's all about beds
no effin beds
to save a life

where are the rich ones
aware of this need
to help?

60 Minutes
a senator's son
he screams out
on deaf ears
even he cannot make
a change

how do you tell someone
to hang on to life
when no one is there
to help them do it?

my life has been hanging on
for the most part
integration and marriage
a new puppy have helped
yet today i feel depressed
for no known reason
thoughts of suicide
who would miss me

and round it goes

dVerse: I Survived

dVerse: Poetics ~ Both Sides


i survived a government program
though often wish i hadn't
when i speak of my past
people don't believe
or think i'm a conspiracy theory nut
or just plain nuts

i think i must have survived for a reason
that used to be so i could be a therapist
to help others through
the horrifying journey called healing
but then my body fell apart
less than four years 
after earning my masters degree
and my body never healed
and i never got to say goodbye
to my clients
the ones i did or was helping

i used to write because i loved it
my integration last year
seems to have shifted that focus
dVerse and haiku
and some days that is difficult
i don't know why i lived
i don't think i am "living"
i'm here and don't know why

i wait for the days or weeks
every few years to "run away"
to a safe place far from here
wishing to stay there
but not having the means to do so
who am i and what am i doing here
the constant battle
even if healing is "winning"
it feels like i've lost all
just by being me

dVerse: Click

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

click
is a more terrifying sound
of a gun
than the actual firing of it

click
is the sound at my temple
as i stood so many times
given orders
the fear beyond my own life
always including mother
sisters or pets
destruction of a favorite toy
or relative
whatever i cared about
was fair game

click
an empty chamber
i often wish
had been filled
so young to know such fear
standing at the edge
of the readied grave
my body tossed in
dirt shoveled on
to drive home a point
or a message
they ruled me
ruled the world

i once remember
asking my "father" about
the rearview mirror
"what is the 'night' button for?"
"don't ever touch that!"
he warns menacingly
"it makes the sun go down
and it would destroy the world"
i was 10 years old
i never touched the mirror
until my third car

click
the angle of the mirror changes
the world didn't end
but the lies remained
the foundation of my life
for far too many years