Saturday, August 31, 2013
It's Not Fair
my body, my temple
is crumbling
from the inside.
it has betrayed me.
i fought hard to heal
made a new life.
it gave me three years
then collapsed
a dozen surgeries
five to six years ago
and still the pain.
the fight to work
the weakened muscles
has beaten me down
time after time
i still think of me
as the gymnast
or hiking Italy
just eight years ago
fit and healthy.
no back or knee pain
no weak muscles
it hurts to work
for it not to hurt.
tough motivation.
my body collapsed
and no one told me
it could happen.
why don't women know
their organs can
fall
out
who decided
when i was born
it would be to
educate the world
about life's horrors?
still waiting for the joy.
daily happiness.
more than a fleeting moment
of peace
some joy each day
is all i want...
a pain free walk
wander a store
without hobbling...
without cursing
how so much
sexual abuse
caused my pelvic floor
to finally collapse.
i've defeated multiplicity
i've defeated depression
but my body imprisons me.
a personal trainer?
if only i could afford
someone to coach me
through the tears
of strengthening my back
of exercising my knees
of restoring activity
to all my muscles.
moving is my downfall.
my mind is healing
but the body is not.
my own fault for
not being strong enough
to bear the pain.
i've had enough pain
emotionally.
it's not fair
it's just not fair
i don't want to work so hard
to live
any more.
i want the pain fairy
in pink tutu and with wand
to visit me
and let me run
through provence
next time i visit.
there has to be
a next time.
Trifecta: Bumble Bee
Trifextra: Week Eighty-Three
Haiku
 |
| Photo Source |
one lone bumble bee
hovering on salvia
inhaling purple
I'm so sorry to say my bee was found dead in the little pond in our garden today. I researched and saw they have a 4-6 week life span. Our bee was with us at least a month. I believe he had a happy life in our garden with the purple flowers. RIP, fat little bee.
CD: Painted Leaves
Carpe Diem #286
Risshuu (coming of autumn)
summer's heat melts paint
to brush autumn leaves palette
nature's museum
dVerse: Got Life?
dVerse: Slogans
is it live or memorex
the slogan of my life
got milk?
i'm not lovin' it
a mind is a terrible thing to waste
which is why the government
shaped and prodded and divided
to make it
be all that it can be
like a good soldier
have it your way
was always a lie
even when i thought it was my way
Hertz might put you in the driver's seat
but you still have to Just Do It
or suffer the consequences
not maybe...
i was born with it
to take a licking
and keep on ticking
but i broke and healed
and i'm worth it
but life still sucks
and where's that slogan?
Met life? No...where is it?
dVerse: Snap Out of It!
dVerse: OpenLinkNight
get over it
this too shall pass
don't look back...
just keep moving forward
snap out of it
does not apply
when trauma has encased the brain
the mind must release the trauma
by reliving it
in a safe environment
therapy
it releases after honoring the pain
acknowledging the horror
healing happens afterwards
to hide it away
is for another's comfort
not for self-healing
heal thyself is true
with a therapist please
no one WANTS to remember
to relive
but do not deny
the healing and peace
that follows
when there are no good memories
when life is at an impasse because
of the memories
going back to heal
is the only way
my way or the highway
feel free to zoom along
i'll lag behind and heal
my wounded soul
Soul: play Kia music and show gangsta hamsters in car
Friday, August 30, 2013
CD: Light Within
Carpe Diem #285 ~ The Peace Within
all the world tuned out
peace within shines its bright light
for me to behold
Thursday, August 29, 2013
CD: Climb The Stars
Carpe Diem #284 ~ Endless Skies
cloudless endless skies
climb the stars through galaxies
lost to find myself
dVerse: Editing the Meds
dVerse: Editing
 |
| Image Source |
side effect: possible hostility
i read the day after he says
"what is WRONG with you today?!"
yes, it feels like hostility
aggression
insurance nixed the brand name
reaction to generic
off i go
pray my sinuses don't collapse
maybe the natural stuff
will be okay
meanwhile
withdrawal still in full force
at a mere fraction of original dose
every doctor tells me
"going off an antidepressant is tough"
no sh*t, sherlock
i'm living it every day
since i made the decision
i was happy enough to stop
but i'm growling
between the generic sinus
and frustration with withdrawal
am ready to throw in the towel
what my husband calls my
"thumper voice"
is now Bullwinkle's
"oops, wrong hat"
grant me the serenity
to live long enough to
know a peaceful mind
with rolling brain waves
antidepressant and sinus med
free
by this time next year
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
CD: Hidden Places
Carpe Diem #283 ~ Hidden Places
 |
| Photo Source |
in the striation
of the ancient red canyons
still standing pueblos
Tanka: Yearning
Tanka Poets On Site
What We Can Learn From Children
listen closely
to what is not said
a child's fear so closely held
yet there is screaming
yearning to be heard
Tanka: Anywhere But Here
Tanka Poets On Site
Waking Up Somewhere New
 |
| Photo by Brian Beam 2005 |
wake up to a new world
safety surrounds me
anywhere but here
walk boldly in the open
embrace the freedom
safety surrounds me
anywhere but here
walk boldly in the open
embrace the freedom
(Photo taken in Brunate, Italy, 2005. Before my back and knee issues. Walked miles each day with that backpack. Loved every moment.)
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
CD: Kikaku's "The Beggar!"
Carpe Diem Special #54
Write a new haiku in the same sense, tone, and spirit as Kikaku's:
the beggar!
he has Heaven and Earth
for his summer clothes
My inspired haiku:
the sailor ~
he has the constellations
to guide his way home
Tanka: Wild Side
Tanka Poets On Site
How To Be Wild In Nature
 |
| Photo Source |
hike the unknown trail
breathe in all nature offers
delight in new sounds
become one with the magic
embrace the universe
dVerse: Living Dead
how long before feeling alive
(These recycling thoughts should be alleviated with neurofeedback. But will be about a year for any real improvement. Feels like stuck writing...emotions.)
after being the living dead
how long before just feeling sad
instead of wanting to take my life
how long before feeling worthy of love
when all before has not been real
how can i feel lovable
knowing what i was made to do
how long before wanting to live
is stronger than wishing to die
holding onto strands of hope
doing all i can to move into life
still wondering if the effort
is worth it
lavender fields and poppies far away
my butterfly garden at home
my hope in a bouquet
(These recycling thoughts should be alleviated with neurofeedback. But will be about a year for any real improvement. Feels like stuck writing...emotions.)
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Tanka: Unfathomable
Tanka Poets Onsite
Dealing With Loss
unfathomable
grief stricken heart overflows
gather emotions
plant them in the earth to bloom
watch beauty unfold
(I have planted trees and rosebushes to honor a loss. It is healing to me to watch the growth and season renewal.)
Saturday, August 24, 2013
CD: Silent Conversations
Carpe Diem #280 ~ The Conversation
 |
| Polyvore by Grace2244 |
the many conversations never heard outside the mind
dVerse: Oblivious
dVerse: Poetics ~ Judith Clay
We are asked to write poetry inspired by art by Judith Clay.
 | ||||||||||
| Art by Judith Clay floating through life oblivious going where my balloon leads never believing it might POP! one day sending me crashing down into reality unknown dazed never having known free will until the moment of the CRASH i have a new balloon now freedom guiding me through love life peace |
Tanka: Message
Tanka Poets On Site
Goodbye
cream-colored roses
withered by time on her grave
her last phone message
plays through my mind
a never-ending loop
Friday, August 23, 2013
CD: Inner Wisdom
Carpe Diem #279 ~ Calling Wisdom
within my mind's eye
he awaits my life questions
loving arms open
***
my inner wisdom
always quietly waiting
for my whining angst
Thursday, August 22, 2013
CD: Weep for Joy
dVerse: Cindereffinrella
dVerse: Poets Pub
Story in 55 words
 |
| Image Source |
Born of royal genes
Hidden princess lives as Cinderella
No…make that Countess of Monte Cristo
Lives a double life
Unknown to her
Sounds like a fairytale
Fairytale gone awry maybe
Add STILL documents classified
Hide the truth
She will never know
Heal and move on
What life is left after 60?
Lavender fields of Avignon.
 |
| Photo Source |
I know...I have the same theme to my writing. So close to leaving my world unknown to normal people. As I was writing, my husband showed me this Abbey in Avignon. We honeymooned there a year ago but no lavender in September. We must go back when lavender is in bloom while I am still alive. It is heaven there.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
CD: Magical Mystery Field
Carpe Diem #277 ~ Magic Fields
 |
| Photo Source |
fields of lavender
precedes fields of sunflowers
nature's magic blooms
CD: Kikaku's "A Flock of Swallows"
Carpe Diem Special #53 ~ A Flock
Our challenge is to write a haiku in the same tone, sense and Spirit as Kikaku's:
a rainbow, erased by
a flock of swallows
My inspired haiku:
above the forest
thickening smoke reminds us
what lived below
Addiction
no longer depressed
after two years on the drug
off I go
weaning per instructions
but my brain
doesn't follow instructions
not any more
it screams when i stop
when doctor says ok to stop
google and research
husband becomes pharmacist
smash/measure/put in capsules
25 mg for a week
20 mg for a week
15 mg for a week
down from 100 to 50 for a week
okay
50 to 25 for a week
okay
but 25 to nothing
is a nightmare
had 15 mg for a week
5 days free then cyclone
in head
headaches
can't see straight
back to feeding the monster
but only 10 mg
maybe for a month
before going off
next time
for good
so not okay with pain
this drug is screaming
for a minute amount
my brain trained to crave it
more than any mind control
could hold once i knew of it
more than any drug ever
in my life
many surgeries
followed by oxy and percocet
a few days and onto advil
no problem
but this
something i feel good WITHOUT
is forcing me to take it
FEED ME
neurofeedback
acupuncture
chinese herbs
to alleviate symptoms
of depression
natural
and this little pill
it should be outlawed
i needed it when i went on it
but now i hate iti hate my brain NEEDING it
i hate the headache without it
i'm weak
i'm ready to be happy
please dear god
let me be happy
by my 61st birthday
three months
please let go of me
i'm so tired of being a prisoner
to the govt
and now to the effin pill
stop the world
i want to get off
antidepressant free
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Tanka: Raucous Crows
Tanka Poets On Site
Raucous Crows
Aug 19 (bird voices)
a murder of crows
caws raucously in back yard
fights over sliced bread
plenty to satisfy all
joy in the squawking
dVerse: Inanimate Thoughts
dVerse: Open Link Night 110
bales of rusted wire
catch my eye through the car window
huge rolls on a truck bed
inanimate thoughts churn
in my mind
how sad to be rusted
what history have they seen
are they off to their burial
do they know of their fate
why do i wonder if they think?
maybe they are off to a new home
but have been in storage
as conveyed by their rust
still i see the rust as age
"put out to pasture"
like me with my rusted joints
and spiky brain waves
Turtle Art At Moma
 |
| Image Source |
brain map complete
i have no quiet mind
my waves are so out of normal range
i see the art my brain makes
my calming music is a tiny pink area
all waves together look like
turtle art at MOMA
reptilian brain I joke
but it's not funny
listening to my calming music
during my first treatment
post complete mapping
my brain is writing haiku
and this
proof again of racing mind
five days antidepressant free
my emotions for the first time ever
are my own
an integrated mind
with full range of feelings
i feel like a juggler
wondering about this new normal
yet i've reached my goal
begin neurofeedback
without antidepressants
i know not of the medication afterlife
but withdrawal was a bitch
a year from now
perhaps i won't be writing
while dizzy
and wondering if healing
to this extent
is worth it
Monday, August 19, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
CD: Longing For The Unknown
Carpe Diem ~ Longing for the Unknown
We were asked to write for what we most long for in our lives. Safety and a home far away from "here" are what I chose to write about.
i wish to feel safe
for what remains of my life ~
not my destiny
***
home in south of france ~
not here so steeped in danger
is anywhere safe?
my reality defined
by covert government birth
Saturday, August 17, 2013
CD: Silent Heart
Carpe Diem ~ Silent Heart
silent heart unfolds
allows us to hear earth's truth
universe is one
***
silent heart holds tears
for what is left unspoken
broken soul in pain
Friday, August 16, 2013
CD: Portal to the Unknown
Carpe Diem ~ Sapphire
no need for sapphire
portal to heavenly realm
opened in childhood
***
lead me to your mysteries
so I may know god
Thursday, August 15, 2013
dVerse: Solve for X
dVerse: Form for All ~ Mathematics
Today's challenge is to write a poem following one of the mathematical formulas. I'm attempting a triangle which follows the form of 1, 3, 6, 10. Here goes... (ellipsis)
love
double heart
we become when married
entwined souls, limbs, thoughts and dreams forever
forever dreams and thoughts, limbs, souls entwined
married ~ when become "we"
heart double
love
ha...a palindrome to boot...methinks.
CD: Kikaku's "A White Crane From Fukei"
Carpe Diem Special #52
 |
| Polyvore by Grace2244 |
Share your haiku inspired on and in the same tone, sense and Spirit as this one by Kikaku:
how I wish to call
a white crane from Fukei,
but for this cold rain
a white crane from Fukei,
but for this cold rain
My inspired haiku:
his white face near death
i think of the peaceful crane
its angel-like wings
FSF: Remnants
Five Sentence Fiction ~ Fabric
 |
| Polyvore by Grace2244 |
Every fiber of her being was on fire from pain, betrayal, and remembering the unspeakable of her past. What she had known as the fabric of her life fell apart the way ash becomes dust the moment it is touched. Her world turned upside down and suddenly a paranoia washed over her. The threats to her life if she spoke of the secrets were as powerful now as when she had been a child. Although all had been hidden in the amnesia, the threats were the first to leak through along with the early memories keeping her from seeking help for far too long.
CD: Nature Quenched
Carpe Diem ~ Blessings Rain
thunder in distance
will my flowers be quenched
by sunrise?
***
drought takes its toll
all of mother nature yearns
for blessings of the rain
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Tanka: Already There
Tanka Poets On Site
Inside of Leaving
mind a step ahead
already there
wanting to be there
anywhere but here
place of my demise
Aug 14 prompt
Tanka: Being There
Tanka Poets On Site
Our Life Together
our best moments framed
each day a flashback
to France or Italy
the magic of being there
part of our every day love
Aug 13 prompt
A Birth Too Far
Inspired by Sam Edge's writing about revealing self truths.
 |
| Creating Alters ~ Polyvore by Grace 2244 |
my birth not meant for joy
a creation for cold war government
loved only until i began to remember
disowned immediately
and only after first memory of incest
not exactly the act of an innocent
he made mother choose between him
or staying in contact with me
then the rest
intentionally made a multiple
personalities trained for government deeds
and "special projects"
some were never used
because anticipated events
never happened
but always the ones wanting suicide
at each move forward with healing
i've survived all they programmed
into my fragmented mind
but wonder how many others
succumbed
and were suicide statistics
instead of death by government evil
engineered by Germans...Nazis
Operation Paperclip
who taught me well
and traumatized me to the brink of death
over and over
to keep my mind creating more of me
systems within systems
meant to be sturdy
but came down
not exactly like a house of cards
more like Lego by Lego
until it collapsed
most don't grasp "polyfragmented"
they just know Sybil
still I healed
no proof of my beginnings
but know my own truth
mother's egg
artificially inseminated
with "royal" sperm
i know my sperm donor family
a secret world even from the donors
bloodlines meant to carry on
not "my father's" child
my father's asset to maintain the terror
but never too far
for he would pay the price
of not living up to his bargain with the devil
he is gone now
i've yet to spit on his grave
i see my life in movies and tv shows
La Femme Nikita
Orphan Black
Manchurian Candidate
genetics gone awry in labs
the things i saw that no one would believe
everything before amnesia broke
intended for no one to believe
my truth is unbelievable
so i scream it at the top of my lungs
thousands like me
trying to heal
not enough therapists to treat multiples
let alone the ones from "the programs"
my truth sucks
and when i scream at something in the media
it is my primal self recalling
what was done to me/us
FUBAR
who believes FUBAR
not enough tears
to mourn my life
death has to be kinder
HH: Late
Haiku Heights ~ Late
alice chases hare
late to rabbit's tea party
nowhere else to be
***
late to my own life
celebrating what is left
seeking fulfillment
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
CD: Awake By Noon
Carpe Diem ~ Morning Celebration
half awake outside
new yellow flower in bloom
my morning brightens
***
awake to alarm
and artificial sunlight
savor double espresso
***
not a morning person
grateful for wake up routine
still in bed at noon
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