Imaginary Garden With Real Toads
Hardcore Americana
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so many sounds offend my senses
even those considered beautiful by others
some sounds triggered by unknown sources
due to amnesia which holds secrets
i may never know
and through the grace of God
his voice and the banjo make my skin crawl
and i can't bear to listen to either video
i know what is wrong with me
yet still i feel the freak in the crowd
finally having a name for so many triggering sounds
soon i will have treatment to try to resolve
the heightened sensitivity and repulsive response
like a bug that needs to be killed immediately
or i need to stop the sound or run far away and hide
will i ever have peace within?
major healing just happened to me
only to be faced with yet another unresolved hurdle
my fate in life to jump near impossible hurdles
at least writing can give them a voice
can give me a voice
to calm the raging outlash in my head
"it's only a sound"
all the triggering sounds left over
after 15 years of trauma therapy
and nearly 15 more before that
when can i rest? in peace?
:( sorry to be the source of a trigger. take care.
ReplyDeleteMarian, you didn't trigger me. I had control to turn it off. But that's what I wrote about. You were inspiration. Please don't view my writing as something you caused. It is how I live and what I expressed.
DeleteOn the contrary, what is the miracle of sound without emotional content and diverse views unique yet universal to all of us in the widest caring of human families?
ReplyDeleteI do not know why some voices appeal to me and some seem distracting screeching on a chalk board.
The musician thanked me for sharing the toad link with him after I watched some of his work.
To make an artificial toad extend its tongue toward a moving bee takes but 5000 lines of code... we are so much more complicated than that.
I know in general poets do not always read well aloud their own poems. Or critical of ourselves what we hear within us may mortify us from without not seen by sun grazing eyes.
We are part of the audience in a poem, and deeper magic runs in sounds than we can see.
Your poem here inspires in its own right and is a very good poem.
Thank you for your perspective, Edgar. The time you took to express yourself is very much appreciated.
DeleteMaggie, there are certain singers who are nails on the blackboard to me. One is the legendary Bob Dylan. Another is a person who at one time was a friend, Tom Waits. Sounds like he gargled with Drano and then tries to sing with the church choir.
ReplyDeleteI understand those triggers, and mine are many - dry sounds, like dry hands being rubbed together; balloons popping trigger PTSD (I say it stands for Pants Trickle, Soaked, Dripping!!).
I admire your honesty in using your poem to describe your reaction to Tim's music. It's truthful, it's revealing, and the mention of therapy, yes, I'm with you. Some sounds make me shiver, and I understand. BRILL. Amy
Thanks, Amy. I figured you would understand at least some. It makes me wonder how many trauma survivors have this kind of sensitivity to sound even after extensive treatment for PTSD. Your comments much appreciated!
DeleteI am sorry as I am sure this is hard to manage at times - there is SO much noise out there - you can't walk in to a store without music playing or loud noises on the sidewalk or streets! I enjoyed his southern (I think it is, at least) sound - thought it paired well with the banjo and violin. I wish he had the lyrics printed somewhere as at times I find his words hard to understand.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Margaret. I have coping skills but for some sounds I can't turn it off like a video or the tv. Working on it. My husband loves the banjo music and that twangy kind of jazz which I totally can't deal with. lol. He has nice earphones ;-)
DeleteKudos to you, Maggie for embracing this for what it was for you and for the courage to express it honestly. I respect that deeply. ♥
ReplyDeleteThank you, Hannah. It's, I think, the last that's left of my healing...major something. Will be starting neurofeedback by July to see if it helps. So much appreciate your comments...and for reading!
DeleteMaggie Grace, this poem delves so deeply into your essence, it is difficult to read. I applaud your candor, honesty, authenticity (which is also what Americana music is all about)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your bravery and honesty in writing about your emotional response to this music. It must be so frustrating when you are not sure when it will happen.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Helen and Lolamouse. I appreciate what you wrote. It is frustrating but just used to it. Always have my coping skills ready.
ReplyDelete