Not My Depression

if depression talked
it would not want you to know
how painful it is
 
This is not depression talking. It's me talking about my depression. Everything changed mid-May. All was calm internally and externally. I returned home feeling relaxed, different, joyful. Finally, life where it feels like living instead of existing.

A few weeks later, intermittent days of depression of unknown source. I doubted dates of the past would still impact me subconsciously. I didn't rule it out but went along recognizing I felt sad, although it was manageable. No pit to fall into...or to climb out.

Several days of continuous depression and my mind is scanning every possibility. It's been just over two years since my antidepressant switch. I had been advised I need to switch every 18-24 months. That has to be it. I called my psychiatrist and got his permission to lower my current dose until I see him in two weeks, at which time he will start me back on my former antidepressant. In the back of my mind I hear the warning that not all people are able to go back on the same medication. It had been the only one that had ever worked so now I'm praying my body accepts it.

Hours after the phone call to the psychiatrist, I'm napping restlessly writing suicide notes in my mind. I got up and showered. All clean and refreshed except the depression is painful. I want it to stop...now.

I woke up from my lifelong amnesia at age 44 and fully healed at age 60. Integrated. No more fragmented parts of me. Perhaps it changed my body chemistry. More than likely, the integrated me is not the same age as the body and is hating finally being free but trapped in an aging body with back and knee pain from arthritis along with constant sinus pain. Incurable sinuses from decades of abuse to my sinus cavities which I will not explain further except that I was used...not for experiments. I was used in ways known to work. But it still meant doing things to my body that most people don't have to bear or can even conceive.

Physical pain is not bearable. Dealing with it is causing emotional pain. I thought the healing meant no more constant battles with wanting to be alive. It barely lasted a month. Almost six weeks actually. It was a good few weeks since integration. I was happy. Joy and calm. Sad was doable.

I do not wish to live with this depression battle any longer. I don't have that fight any longer. I won't start on the former antidepressant for about two weeks and then it may take another month for the meds to kick in so I don't feel this way. Can I manage that long? I've lived a pretty good life since 2006 when I moved into my own home. Last year the man I've loved for 12 years became my husband. I can be at peace with death.

life is not living
healed should not be this painful
some entered my life
and made me laugh and feel good
they knew and loved me anyway

Thank you for being in the part of my life that was me making conscious choices and wanting to write and share and be silly. And love. If I leave this world before my intended time, know I was ever so grateful to all who touched my heart.