dVerse: OpenLinkNight
i overdosed on 2/22
not because my life was too hard
it's been heaven comparatively
since last May's integration
a part of me surfaced near
Valentine's Day
carrying death messages
which I avoided through 2/14
i was fine on 2/15
thought it was over
my mind hasn't been on healing
from dissociative parts
for so long, it seems
normally i would have called
for help when the part appeared
but thought i had handled it
husband went out for a few hours
on 2/22
i thought my thoughts were mine
felt like me convincing myself
all would be better without me
i took as many pills as i could
plus two drinks of alcohol
(not something part of my regular routine)
i was still awake when husband returned
but it was my nap time
a few hours later
after no sleep
and realizing i wan't going to die
i told him
was dizzy and body was shaking
wanted to wait until morning
called therapist first thing
she said go to ER for medical impact
was there all day
no drugs showed up in tests
a DID "trick" ~ body registers
what it was "told" to do
three social workers and a
call to my therapist
allowed me to go home
doing okay
had therapy session
and another for monday
dizziness is lessened today
am almost functioning
didn't sleep as much
happy to be here
with husband and puppy
DID from birth
no total healing
must be on guard for
any activity internally
i could have killed myself
and it would have appeared
that's what i wanted
wow. scary stuff...i am glad that you survived. DID is not easy stuff...i had a kid that had it that i worked with...and a specialist...whew...glad you made it...
ReplyDeleteVery intense...I can't imagine trying to cope with DID...my best to you and glad you're still with hubby and puppy...and didn't mean to..
ReplyDeleteWow, this reads like an honest and scary confession. I hope the writing process helps bringing some peace and relief.
ReplyDeleteHello..... I'm John. I don't share your illness but do share the results that you expressed here. I attempted suicide from what I believed at the time to be normal thoughts as well. On that count we are similar. But it is occasional bouts of extreme depression that cause me to fall off that cliff. I find it important to keep people who are important to me advised on my illness. They help to keep me grounded so that I don't confuse those kind of thoughts as normal. I think sharing it and talking about it with those close to you is the best remedy. And I am glad you are doing that. Some of the greatest poets and artists in the world suffer from the same or similar illnesses. I can't explain why it seems creative people have a higher incidence of it than others. It just seems to me that they do. The loss of people like Sylvia Plath or Ann Sexton is just insurmountable. I think in both of their cases they retreated and eventually found themselves in situations where there was no one in their lives to ground them. I hope there will always be people like your husband to help ground you. But if you ever feel like there isn't then please, please reach out.... And let your poetry shine!
ReplyDeleteOuch, so heartfelt, honest and painful! 'Thought I was healed but took the pills.' It hits when you least expect it. I sometimes find the dreaded black thoughts coming on a sunny day with glorious mountain views, just after dropping the children off at school, when a little voice whispers: 'what if you crashed?'
ReplyDeleteI hope you always find someone next to you to help you handle this, and the strength within yourself as well.
oh heck... i'm glad you're ok...treat yourself with care...
ReplyDeleteYes, take care of yourself first...this is healthy writing or journaling. I understand the depression, the clouds, but never attempted or wanted to carry out those thoughts....many do succumb...remember it's not "YOU" ..it's the illness
ReplyDeleteI must say I got tears in my eyes when I hear this.. I have grown very affected to your presence.. so please please take care.. You are important to a lot of people...
ReplyDeleteHugs. I'm still a bit in shock. Back in therapy but dumbfounded.
Deletewow.. I really admire how honest and unafraid you are to share such personal details... please take care of yourself and continue to fight!
ReplyDeleteSo glad that you are ok and that I am reading this post right now.
ReplyDeleteYour words, and your being here, has become important to many of us. Stick around, please? And thank you for the sharing. It shows courage and grace.
ReplyDeleteOMG Maggie I had no idea what I was reading is true-please take care of yourself-am glad though you are in therapy and I hope and pray that you will be fine,God Bless you! ((hugs) xx
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