Tuesday, February 18, 2014

dVerse: If I Give My Heart...I Die

dVerse: OpenLinkNight ~ Valentine's Day

not a gift
a surprise
thought my healing
ended the
death dates
the internal messages
of the manner of death

it started the night
of the 12th
"a good day to die"
always dates with double digits
triple digits stronger
a holiday with a full moon
they wanted me to die
by my own hand

"suicided" is their preferred
method of death
no "hands on" needed
just overwhelming messages
to die
and a specific manner

keeping their message separate
from my own thoughts
can be tricky
i hid in bed
away from the pills
reliving my death sequence
until it stopped
the day after

despair that something
can still get through
with that strength
wondering when 
my own mind
will turn against me


  1. whew...so was this a flash back then...ugh...what programming...how sad...i am sorry this came rushing back as well...as you had been doing so well....

    1. Not a flashback. New message for this year. Death programming until I actually die, I guess. It sucks.

  2. please continue your "easing back into writing and mindfulness". you are brave to share these thoughts. I think there are many more that have them and never say a word.

  3. it is tough when the own mind turns against you... and in such a mean way... really hope those voices get quiet again...it's not their job to announce dates...there's just one who knows..

  4. Sorry you went through that. But the good thing is - you went THROUGH it. You were better the next day. That takes fortitude. And how wonderful that you were able to write about it.

  5. Yik.. I would hate to deal with that. Remember now you have a 24-7 contact network through your blogging. I'm so glad to have you in my community of bloggers.

    1. Bjorn, that is so sweet of you to say that. Each time I write my truth, I feel like I've just depressed the world. Thank you.

  6. This is scary - internal messages in your brain turning against you ~

    I hope you feel much better ~

  7. Please don't worry about depressing us: far, far better you write out the demons than let them overwhelm you. I've suffered from depression, never know when it will hit me, feel guilty about it, and hate it when others tell me to 'just cheer up'.
    On the other hand, it's those 'voices' and sad thoughts that help to create some of your poetry at least...