dVerse: Poetics DMT
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| Hand Me Downs, Polyvore by grace2244 |
no drugs necessary for self talk
when others exist within
tho drugs often desired
to battle the trauma
that created my selves
my life this year has been
life or death
a constant mind battle
craving a mind meld in favor of life
yet trying not to cut too deeply
to keep other me from
having her way
at first me vs. them
(the perpetrators within)
wishing & pursuing my death
now advanced to seemingly
one me...two minds
half life...half craving death
working to change the balance
in my favor
always wondering if she
will completely take over
and they will win...finally
day to day
i wonder if i will be alive
to see the next morning
more coping skills
exhausting & draining
withdrawn from what i knew
who am i becoming?
who will be speaking in my stead?
will there be another
or is this the end
my dream today is to live
til this weekend
to have dinner with friends
short term goals
crawling
wanting this era of my life
to be over
whatever that means
This is a painful read. The despair is palpable. Thank goodness for those small goals...candles in the darkness.
ReplyDeleteah, it is a struggle, dealing with the inner us... that voice of negativity. I think that's something we all have, of course, some more severe than others... Still, takes a great deal of strength.
ReplyDeleteI know you find the stuff we write at Undead in the Netherworld frightening, but I want you to know that we do care about people with psych issues. I don't have DID, so I can't say I KNOW what you're going through, but I sympathize. I have bipolar disorder, and I have a history of cutting and suicide ideation.
ReplyDeleteI believe you have the strength to fight this. I wish the best for you.
and you know you will get there....but it will be baby steps...taking those short term goals and stringing them together...it has been a hard year for you, but you keep coming back...and i am glad...i know it is hard in light of what has happened to you....
ReplyDeleteFirst of all.. I always love to hear you are hear for us all.. I guess the short term goals - the little steps is what is needed.. Please continue fighting.. ;-)
ReplyDeleteBeen there and truly done this..when my mind is truly separated in life or death hemispheres of being..a voice says to die in early..morning..then the other says to live in afternoon...again and again the routing goes..another ground hog day..or aghogday for me again21..
ReplyDelete2 months..the voices muted by Ativan..to kill all the physical illness tempered only to go to sleep...
2 years pass with chain in basket of bicycle the tree awaiting..in a few road down..hoping never to be found..by loved ones let down..
The worst known to mankind type two trigeminal neuralgia..from night to day..from day to night..always when conscious never pain ever going away..
And then..
Last Summer.. a miracle happens..
i come alive again..all the pain goes away..
And now i live in bliss everyday for 12 months now..
The moral to this very true and medically documented drama..
that is me is...
NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER EVER GIVE UP..
IF SOMEONE TOLD ME THIS STORY 6 YEARS AGO..
PERHAPS I COULD HAVE SOME INKLING OF HOPE..
BUT
NO..
NO
ONE
IN
THE
ENTIRE
OFF OR ONLINE WORLD
COULD
RELATE..
SO
i tell my story here..
and the empathy i have for
you and yes unconditional love
as
i
have
walked
similar
shoes
true..
is
true!
2
!
for five years..i could remember if i ever laughed at all..
or what a smile felt like...
never a day goes by now without a smile or giggle...
and i WILL BE PRAYING
THAT
GIGGLES
COME
YOUR
WAY
SOON..
DEAR
TRUE!
What an inspiring outcome, Kate! I've known both and hate where I'm stuck at the moment. Am glad you didn't give up hope or act on those thoughts. Thank you for sharing and taking the time to offer support.
Deletestrong poem Maggie.... choose life, you matter
ReplyDeleteBe as kind and fair to yourself as an Angel would be.
ReplyDeleteJust reach for each goal...you can make it...and, yes, i believe miracles often happen with time!
ReplyDeleteThank you to all for your words of support and such caring ♥
ReplyDeleteThe poem reminds me of the thoughts of a depressed mind. Depression is painful, not only to the sufferer but also to the ones surrounding. Though statements in your poem, but it also gives a hint of hope.
ReplyDeleteMaggie Grace, please love yourself. Depression, sadness, grief, all this is awful overwhelming stuff. If we believe in ourselves, we can get through it. I think. Hugs to you every day...and every night. And keep writing. xo
ReplyDelete