dVerse: Poetics ~ Darkness to Light
stepping into free fall
of the abyss
my mind floats to peace
freedom
sparing the ones i love
from my burden
no more pain
for me
coming to in the ER
i see his face strained with
fear and tension
a look that still lingers
i've hurt him
not what i intended
i'd hoped to set him free too
multiple attempts at my own life
this year
each a worse method than before
the parts of me wanting me dead
i choose to outsmart them
by choosing my own way ~
the only control i feel i have
healing is traumatic
i wanted to die
each conflict feels like a hell
i shouldn't be alive to have to face it
yet the moments come
the aha moments that strike
like lightening
silence my being
as i listen to the echoes of them
make connections throughout
my mind
the enormity of the message
driving me toward my demise
i fight/fought so hard to be safe in life
i was finding happiness in ways
i had not found before
at the height of the happiness
i'm swallowed up by death
because the message running through me
is "life is unsafe"
my loyal parts are trying to "save me" from life
my father's death triggered a message
designed for me to kill myself
it's conscious now
i can untwist the message
and all related meanings
i can be truly safe
understanding the double language
i'm glad to have survived
to gain this new essential insight
into what drove my being
i choose now to say no to death
to say yes to love
and happiness
he lost this war
I am happy that you have been gifted with this insight, to embrace love and happiness no matter how high the price had been ~ I am the healing is coming through even if its traumatic & hard fought ~
ReplyDeleteWow, this had my heart racing. So happy you were unsuccessful and still with us. Hugs xoxo
ReplyDeleteGlad you survived all that; I'm pretty sure life is much more precious to you, since you have to fight so hard. Peace to you, Maggie :)
ReplyDeleteMany do lose the battle and war itself; you sound very healthy now and I'm glad to visit your blog today ;) however life unfolds, I wish you strength and love.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who lost a loved one to suicide I am so glad you have chosen to say no to death. I, too, wish you strength and grace for each day of your precious life.
ReplyDeleteI know that darkness, stay and write. You matter.
ReplyDeletei know this place all too well..a ring of true in darkness rings in me too..i too chose love and now love
ReplyDeletechooses me...
No one can understand though...
unless they truly visit..
the dark night
of the soul....
You know how happy I am that you where unsuccessful.. There are too many here that would miss you.. That darkness is understandable - but the light you search that way is deceitful .,
ReplyDeleteBeautifully, though painfully, written...glad to see you came through that darkness.
ReplyDeleteThis must have been a painful write - searingly honest. I'm glad the darkness has been vanquished, that the false light has been chased away. I know it's a long-term process and I wish you the very best of luck and light with it!
ReplyDeleteMany children suffer losses that greviously expose them, break the bond, make life "unsafe" -- a tear which becomes an abyss in early adulthood, when there isn't enough to patch together to move forward with. Lots of insight and self reflection here, as if the proximity to darkness has ignited a greater lamp of thought. The trick is turning insight into footsteps toward a life one can believe in and fulfill. All the gods of life be with you.
ReplyDeleteStunning writing that ends with a message of hope.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you find hope, glad to see you safe. Very good expressions for a very serious old reflection of the world. Congratulations with your new outlook and revelations.
ReplyDeletethe struggle is so clear... we sometimes forget
ReplyDeletelove that light at the end which is so powerful and inspiring...
ReplyDeleteSuch beautiful, heartwarming, and supportive comments. Thank you very much.
ReplyDeleteThere is something about this line, "my loyal parts are trying to 'save me' from life," perfectly said. It is a hard struggle and while the logic may sound twisted to some, I can see its logic clearly. Glad you found the ability to say yes to love.
ReplyDelete