Tuesday, June 24, 2014

dVerse: Shattering & Rebuilding...Constantly

dVerse: Poetics ~ Shattering the World and Rebuilding It



Polyvore by Grace2244...Shattered But Hopeful





i've dealt with parts of me
wanting to kill me before
for years it was a puzzle-like process
but no active attempt on my life
i had one close encounter in 2011

this year is testing my will
from every conceivable angle
an overdose in march
scissors too dull to cut my arm
sent me into a safe treatment facility

most don't understand dissociation
and having parts
and who would want to understand?
my healing has lead to miracles
last year in sedona
to wrestling myself for my life this year

two weeks undid the majority of the parts
(got them into healing)
though i thought i got it all.
soon after i got home
i discovered a straggler
and used my new skills to resolve
the part's hellbent goal to kill the body
so proud i was of my accomplishment

yet two days ago, i stumbled on a box cutter
in the drawer
someone else previously unknown
took over
thank goodness for dull blades in my home
while running it along my arm veins
i was screaming for help to my husband
it's tough to ask for help 
when another part is fixated on death

i figured out who the part was 
after my husband came to the rescue
calls to therapist and appointments made
the experts said they can never know
how many more times harm parts will surface
or how long this current "script" will be running

my internal world has shattered several times
and i've rebuilt each time
coming out a bit stronger
i thought i'd met my match two days ago
no one (or very few) understand this evil
that began when i was preverbal
and still impacts me today
decades later

i'm fighting
i'm trying 
battling to stay alive
before my strength becomes less
than theirs
i believe in angels
there must be angels
i should be dead

doom and gloom in writing
yes...always 
my world is mostly dark
but it's the light that makes it
worthwhile 


Thank you for this prompt. Sorry if too graphic for some.

21 comments:

  1. i am glad that you are fighting it...that you are working through it...it is not an easy road through dissociative....and i am glad there is enough light to make it worthwhile as well...smiles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It isn't an easy battle. And before now thinking I had overcome the one actively suicidal part. I was so wrong. All these years to heal and now it's like the battle is just beginning. Most I know fight active suicidal parts from the beginning. I didn't have that. Maybe I should look at this as being fortunate I built enough strength and cooperation inside to fight off this onslaught.

      Delete
  2. Ouch.. I had started to worry again... So glad that you're fighting on. There has to be a lot of sunshine in your life.. Just reach out and it's there for you (and thank god for dull blades)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love my life, Bjorn, except for what was done to me and keeps on interrupting my life. I've been online so little since this started. I'd only written one or two twitter poems before this. Thank you for caring.

      Delete
  3. it is important to not stop fighting and glad that you have help as well... wishing you strength and grace in this battle maggie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes it is hard not to stop fighting, Claudia...just age and being so tired. Am sure some things come from inside. My consciousness to not want the pain and possible insiders stopping the harm part from exerting pressure of the blade. It boggles my mind how I was fighting a battle of wills like that. Thank you for reading and caring.

      Delete
  4. Oh, so sorry to hear of your ongoing battle... this disassociation of various body parts, of body and mind, is so hard... as is asking for help. Thinking of you, and hoping that all blades in your life from now on will be blunt. Thank you for being brave enough to share.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dissociation is horrid to heal from but really thought it had ended last year. The experts I saw telling me there is no way to know what still lurks there. It's a given and have to be on guard. I can't and don't want to live in a tiny restrictive world if it's going to be the same where I can see my garden bloom and have my husband and pets. Must have better skills to dismantle the harm wish of these parts. Am trying to stay in this world :)

      Delete
  5. I, too, am hoping the battles become less...it must be agonizing. The fact that your are fighting is a good sign of your strength. There ought to be an automatic switch we could use to erase all previous tapes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A switch to turn it off would be so lovely. Thank you for taking the time to read this, Kathy.

      Delete
  6. Battles are fought to be won.......... You will surely win......................

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gosh, I hope so. Thank you for being brave enough to read my writing!

      Delete
  7. of course there are angels...the light of our life holding our hands when needs be...you are one courageous soul so battles will definitely be won...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a lovely comment...tearful joy ♥

      Delete
  8. My heart bleeds for you, keep fighting the good fight. Asking for help can be the hardest thing but with it comes more light. Hugs oxo

    ReplyDelete
  9. There most definitely are angels (and demons) but the forces of good are stronger.
    Keep up the brave fight, Maggie, YOU are worth it! I pray the light grows brighter!

    ReplyDelete

  10. I don't know what to say except please accept this as my prayer:
    “He prayed as he breathed, forming no words and making no specific request, only holding in his heart, like broken birds in cupped hands, all those people who were in stress or grief.” – Madelyn L’Engle in Two-Part Invention quoting Ellis Peters’ A Morbid Taste for Bones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a beautiful quote to share with me. Thank you very much. Sometimes I feel broken; other days I feel mostly together.

      Delete
  11. Maggie, such courage! To write what is real, and also to keep fighting this, day after day. There are for certain angels, your husband is one of them, and they all want happiness for you, Maggie. As do we. May all sorrows be healed. Keep looking at the light. Always, there is more light than there is dark.

    ReplyDelete
  12. stay with us, and write - you matter.

    ReplyDelete
  13. "Falling Into Me" has been included in our Arlynda Lea's Sites to See #10. We hope this will help call more attention to your efforts.

    http://arlyndalea.blogspot.com/2014/07/arlynda-leas-sites-to-see-10.html

    ReplyDelete