Christmas 2013

my nightmares of christmas
now in the land of severed memories
the vision of my unknown life
put upon a mental shelf
though validation is nice
in a painful sort of way

this december of christmas movies,
joy of lights, music, and puppy
very different and welcome
yet overwhelmed with
fatigue and thoughts of 
adding tissue to gift bags
just let me sleep

a quiet holiday
for mind and body
the greatest gift
a first time peace and calm
unafraid of opening gifts
that contain body parts
the selves who knew 
safely tucked within the whole

the life that was
no longer the priority
lingering thoughts 
within acceptable limits
your laughter the
sound of the season 

dVerse: Light of My Life

dVerse: Poetics ~ Candles & Lights

in youth the menorah
was special
great grandmother with lace
on her head
said the hebrew prayer
moving her hands so gracefully
grandmother's house felt safe
both are gone now
and i pray for no trauma connections

shamed if we asked 
for christmas lights
but chanukah never carried out
to be special at home
wherever home was
that year

a few trees with lights
and glitter
in adult life
but it never felt special
i gave up trying
and found it happier
avoiding any ceremony

withdrawn from religion
as soon as i had choice
even in marriages
christmas felt sad
during 12-year courtship
with current husband
we had lovely bear tree
several years
but my heart still felt
heavy even with the loveliness 
and we stopped

full understanding now
of no connection or avoidance
of christmas
and loving the season spirit
this year though no lights 
or fuss with puppy
but the light in our eyes
and in our hearts
the play of the moon
on the snow-blanketed earth
is christmas and beauty enough

dVerse: Mother Tongue

dVerse: Meeting the Bar

i have no mother tongue
i'm not sure my mother was my bio mother
we moved frequently
so i have no particular dialect
i know words from several languages
and subconsciously spoke several

my life would be an unbelievable
movie of the week
raised by post war Nazis
brought into the US
by our own govt
except i knew them in Germany
before I could speak
and knew German commands
simultaneously with English

fear was my language
my first poetry
from second grade
speaks of death and graves
likely a red flag in today's society
but had that been my red flag
it would have meant
fear of death if i ever wrote again
so thank goodness no one noticed

poetry and images to accompany it
were my escape
from my unknown split selves
and became insight into my life
when i awoke from amnesia
in my forties
my words, my feelings on paper
that was my only reality
even if i didn't quite get the reality

mid forties to sixty was healing
sixty-one mostly healed
without all memory
same words coming out
in different ways
but still they come
new words like "puppy"
add new life
create new memories

grateful for a place to share 
where my past no longer matters
but the words that go with it 
are accepted without judgment
i'm an aberration
finding my way late in life
with new love and new family
finally embracing this holiday
we know as Christmas
my first holiday detached
from the fear it once meant

my first season of enjoying
holiday movies and
Christmas specials
and decorations
wishing all the dVerse family
a holiday of peace and
treasured memories




 

Just Another Day

birthday just another day
anxiety and nightmare free
puppy joy and self contentment
brain with loose connections
but not minding
the big three "holidays"
finally okay...neutral
disconnect to past trauma
gift of brain reconditioning
and puppy kisses
not for any special day
adding to life
making a life
instead of existence