Thursday, September 5, 2013

dVerse: Here But Not Here

dVerse: Riddles







Polyvore by Grace2244





 

i am but one body
with one mind
fragmented into many.
i have split consciousness
and am often unaware 

of what i do.
no one sees the real me.
i can hide for decades
clueless to myself and others.
the biggest riddle is
who am i when together as one?
 


amnesia assures no answer
for most of life 

and then i shatter 
like Humpty Dumpty 
waiting to put myself 
back together again.



 (This is what used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder, more recently, Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have healed and am newly back together finding my way now as one mind.)



32 comments:

  1. Wow...very well done. All the best for the future. :)

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  2. its not easy...i had a kid two years ago that was diagnosed DID...you def have to wonder if all together just who you might be but it sound like you are back to a good place though...

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    1. Sometimes my husband says I speak to him with my "Thumper" voice but it sounds the same in my head. Guess a bit of remnants. I can live with sounding like Thumper sometimes. Kids diagnosed...so tough because likely someone who is a caregiver is the cause. Don't get me started ;-O

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  3. Powerful writing... I am glad to know that you are healed. Take care!

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    1. Thanks, HA. Healed from being fragmented. Now am much more aware of environment but still adjusting to life as not-a-multiple. It's different. I was integrated for the years I was a therapist but fell apart a bit with huge medical issues in 2007. No longer a therapist. New husband. Entirely different life. A good one. How to embrace good? I think you understand that question from your writing.

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  4. it is hopeful & positive to know you feel that you crack the whip now, and do not wear the harness; and it is good that poetry can discover & exorcise demons; all kinds, a myriad of ways; always nice to visit here.

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    1. I'm definitely not dull. lol Always appreciate your visits, Glenn.

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  5. This is quite a journey ~ I am happy for your healing ~

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  6. Glad you are through to the healing, this is an amazing poem!

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  7. Must feel good to be more integrated, more whole. And the healing, keeps going on even as one. Stay well Magie.

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  8. Amnesia is so scathing an attack where one is much lost to others. The upside is however it can be cured. Glad you're doing fine Maggie!

    Hank

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  9. I love how you included your own personal riddle into the riddle theme...

    So glad to know of your healing. Hugs, ~Jason

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    1. My whole life has been and still is a riddle...my past. Making a good now and future though. Thank you, Jason.

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  10. prayers for continued healing and wholeness, integration in all the right ways!

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  11. who am i when together as one? ... i wonder if anyone of us really reaches that state when all is together as one... even when we're completely healthy..i think we're made of many layers and they have their own dynamics at times

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    1. I totally agree, Claudia. Not all people grasp or accept this perspective though. It's like we all have some parts but most people are aware of what they are saying and doing...are conscious of whatever is going on.

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  12. As I have followed you journey for some time I have started to get some insight into this... and it would definitely feel like a riddle... sad that there is a cause for it... kids should be safe when they grow up.

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    1. Yes, they should be. Thanks, Bjorn.

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  13. Never a dull moment I would have thought.Do you all get on with each other? Or never really meet? One can't help being intrigued by something so complex. Do all have different physical setbacks? You must have read such a lot about this disorder to learn to cope with it. This is having moodswings on a gigantic scale.

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    1. I had a very cooperative "system". Not everyone has that. Wish everyone healed like I did. I rarely "switched" outside of home unless something scared me. And I almost never wasn't aware of another part of me being out once my amnesia broke. A few had specific things like hiccups or a lisp. Mostly my voice changed and I could identify who it was by certain physical sensations, but not setbacks. Therapy sessions I'm sure were always fun for my therapist. Very young ones used to know the most. Am sure it was seen as mood swings or having a bad day since no one knew I was multiple until I just fell apart. Surprise.

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  14. Powerful piece!living could be such a riddle. Great that you came out well!

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  15. Positive thoughts for your future. Welcome "back". A well worded work!

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    1. Thank you! Not back though. Have never been "here" before. And good memories built with my husband over the past 13 years. Everything good is from new friends, new family, new experiences.

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  16. Maggie, I love that you use poetry in this way -- to seal your healing.

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  17. Is this also called bipolar? I know a few people who suffer from this... the sad thing is one of them does not accept it as true... It has broken up her family - a very sad situation.

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    1. Hi Margaret, no it's different than bipolar, although someone could have both. DID (being a multiple) is a sealed fate by the age of about six. I don't know at what age someone might develop bipolar. Also, I'm not sure trauma is a necessary component of being bipolar. The one who develops DID (when it becomes known) usually becomes a family outcast rather quickly.

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  18. That is a powerful piece of writing, and all the more so because it comes from someone with direct experience, who has known the harrowing reality from the inside out. I cannot help but feel for you and for everyone so inflicted.

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    1. Thank you very much. The good news is it is very treatable with a trained therapist. The bad news is there are so few therapists who treat it who are good. I had a good therapist.

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  19. Maggie, sometimes I sense that you're a vase, put back together again, like the Japanese 'kintsugi' - repaired with gold, considered more beautiful, in that broken is better than new. ~ M

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    1. M, you write such beautiful words. Thank you for thinking of me that way.

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