dVerse: I Overdosed

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

i overdosed on 2/22
not because my life was too hard
it's been heaven comparatively
since last May's integration
a part of me surfaced near
Valentine's Day
carrying death messages
which I avoided through 2/14
i was fine on 2/15
thought it was over

my mind hasn't been on healing
from dissociative parts
for so long, it seems
normally i would have called
for help when the part appeared
but thought i had handled it

husband went out for a few hours
on 2/22
i thought my thoughts were mine
felt like me convincing myself
all would be better without me
i took as many pills as i could
plus two drinks of alcohol
(not something part of my regular routine)
i was still awake when husband returned
but it was my nap time

a few hours later
after no sleep
and realizing i wan't going to die
i told him
was dizzy and body was shaking
wanted to wait until morning

called therapist first thing
she said go to ER for medical impact
was there all day
no drugs showed up in tests
a DID "trick" ~ body registers
what it was "told" to do
three social workers and a
call to my therapist
allowed me to go home

doing okay
had therapy session
and another for monday
dizziness is lessened today
am almost functioning
didn't sleep as much
happy to be here
with husband and puppy

DID from birth
no total healing
must be on guard for
any activity internally
i could have killed myself
and it would have appeared
that's what i wanted

dVerse: If I Give My Heart...I Die

dVerse: OpenLinkNight ~ Valentine's Day

not a gift
a surprise
thought my healing
ended the
death dates
the internal messages
of the manner of death

it started the night
of the 12th
2...14...2.....14
"a good day to die"
always dates with double digits
triple digits stronger
a holiday with a full moon
they wanted me to die
by my own hand

"suicided" is their preferred
method of death
no "hands on" needed
just overwhelming messages
to die
and a specific manner

keeping their message separate
from my own thoughts
can be tricky
i hid in bed
away from the pills
reliving my death sequence
until it stopped
the day after

despair that something
can still get through
with that strength
wondering when 
my own mind
will turn against me
again

CD: Regression

Carpe Diem ~ Hatsumisakiji (Temple 24)

 

along the way

feeling child self skipping

in awe of universe

 

CD: Along The Way

Carpe Diem ~ Jorakuji (Temple 14)

 

find inner wisdom

connection to universe

along the way

***

listen with the heart

feel with the enlightened mind

that finds you blindly

 

dVerse: Sunflower Lily Pads

dVerse: Poetics ~ Sketchbook...In The Moment

Polyvore by Grace Beam

dreaming of the sea

and fields of sunflowers

so i float along the sea 

on a sunflower lily pad

loving the sun on my face

the breeze of the ocean

the sound of the waves

soft lapping against the boat

i watch you on the shore

as i float along

magic bubbles carry colorful fish

across the sky

while seagulls dive

for sunflower seeds

secure in our love

knowing you are there

while i am here

in the magic of my mind

CD: Finding The Way

Carpe Diem ~ Pilgrimage

Polyvore by Grace2244

voice of sedona

calls to my inner wisdom

follow to find oneness

 ***

trek along 'the way'

enlightenment follows

when least expected 

VisDare: Show Time

VisDare: Contemplating

Photo Source

alone in a crowd
drifting into the zone
on stage in her mind

dVerse: Death Defying

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

Polyvore by Grace Beam

his death three years ago

i should be clicking my heels

why the dark thoughts and feelings?

back to the drawing board

literally

process feelings with images

death with someone peeking through

after completing the art

i realize it is my internalized mother part

looking at me

diluted programming

still notice the message to join "him"

since integrating

i don't believe any former part

can act alone

but the feeling sucks

once again my desire

to celebrate his passing

is quashed by the brainwashing

of my past

proof the haunting continues

trying not to give it merit

yet must acknowledge

the grief my mother part

is feeling deeply

bonded to the abuser

stockholm syndrome

lives on after death

reaching me from his hell

CD: Roots

Carpe Diem ~ Konsenji (Temple 3)

Image Source

under bodhi tree

roots to enlightenment

begin life's path

dVerse: Who Am I

dVerse: Poetics ~ Repetition

Polyvore by Grace2244

 















who am i
egg & sperm combined
for a sinister government program

who am i
that the woman who was
my egg mother
turned me away the moment
i remembered being molested
and honored the "father's" wishes
to pronounce me dead

who am i
that in his obituary
it was decided
my name would not be listed
as a daughter
absolving him of all
responsibility

who am i
that he was not my birth father
but only the one meant
to maintain the terror and abuse
a pact with the devil 
before my conception

who am i
soon to be answered
in some sense
validated that it was her egg
awaiting the results
to see if sperm donor
is the answer received
from the universe

somehow i would be happy
to know i did not come
from the "father"
who died 2/4/2011
a day after his birthday
always the day after
groundhog day

i like to think the sperm donor
was the one whose birthdate
held my numbers
born the 24th in 1924
the secret royal sperm bank
i dream of having been born
to that family instead
far from the cruel inhumanity
hidden as a "special" possession

my life circling around
like the movie
again and again
always landing on
who am i
but also knowing
the answer
no one would believe
who i am