Fortress

Stone 31

Wind snarling
pouncing fiercely
at my window
Fragile glass defends itself

Nothingness

 Stone 30

Once bounding with energy
Slomo or nothingness
is now status quo

Did I?

Stone 29

"Did I yell in my sleep last night?"
"Yes, you did."

Silly Putty

Stone Day 28

Lucy basking on her log
sideways
Legs dangling off one side
Neck dangling off the other
like Silly Putty
stretching as far as it can
before it bounces
and becomes two

Synchronicity

Mindful Stone Day 27

The synchronicity of my life
is awesome
Even through grueling times
I am in awe of the invisible
universal consciousness
that brings people
and answers into my world
Numbers
times
words
films
The unfathomable yet welcome
manifestation of all
we do not know
becomes real
at the most unexpected times

Dust

Stone Day 26

Dust haunts me
I want it gone
I used to focus on it
when my world
was falling apart
Dust
Sitting on forgotten
surfaces and objects
Floating in the sunbeams
Reminding me
how dirty I feel

Photo source: 
(http://udn.epicgames.com/Two/ExampleMapsLightBeams.html)

Green Light

A wish
A dream
Now a glimmer of hope
So close to reality
Do I dare believe
that my life
could actually have meaning
in the manner
for which I yearn
So close my heart races
Yet, once again,
patience becomes
soul-wrenching

Landmines

Stone Day 24

Like stepping through land mines
I tiptoe into the conversation

Agoraphobia

Mindful Stone Day 23

What does it say about me
that I rarely venture outdoors
but would crawl to
my therapy appointment?

Weather

Small Stone Day 22

Seven degrees outside
Dead inside
I used to be able to
crawl inside myself
unknowingly
Now I wish I could
by choice
Life is just too hard
most days

Depression

Spiraling down
Sinking into myself
Soul on alert
Can it take yet another
onslaught
From eyes
to mind
spiraling down
remembering
what no soul should know

Inauguration

Mindful Stone Day 21

Rooting for my choice
country
values
Fearful as he steps
from "The Beast"
Relief the crowd is
happy
like me

Dragonfly

Mindful Stone Day 20

Staring at the stained glass dragonfly,
I recall the time one became
caught in the garage light
As it bounced around wildly
I screamed to try to coach it back out
to no avail
Praying it would live until I got help
I found my neighbor home
Rushing to the rescue with ladder
he removed the cover to the light
We both cheered as it
returned to its universe
As if its life was my own.

Windy Wakefield's Eyes

Mindful Stone Day 19

"I am Windy Wakefield's eyes"
She is blind
He tells her of the world
leaving out the ugliness
An old song
A constant wish
Not to know the ugliness
in which we live

Introspection on Aloneness

I am posed with the question, "What would happen if you stopped busying yourself and were just alone with your thoughts?" I realize I multitask so as to be unable to completely focus on one thing fully. Why can't I just watch television without also playing a game? I know why when I ponder. It leaves me open to hearing my thoughts. When horror still leaks through, it's easy to want to not listen. But it also blocks internal conversation that would help me. It keeps me from moving next to my husband who also occupies his time dually while watching television. Are we avoiding being close? We like being close yet both have avoidance techniques. We talk. It's okay to not do anything except sit with each other and share something we enjoy...a movie or favorite show. I also have a silent fear of losing my mind if I just stop using it.

The Thaw

Small Stone Day 18

Thoughts set in stone
melt like icicles in my mind
releasing possibilities

Dilated World

Mindful Stone Day 17

Drops to dilate eyes
Bright lights blur
the world inside
Outdoors,
sunset gives auras
to streetlights
car lights
stop lights
Circles of red
green
yellow
Bizarre world of light
Sensory overload
but no switch to shut down

Elements

Mindful Stone Day 16

Tap tap tap
against the window pane
As I snuggle inside beneath
my warm blanket
glad to not be battling
the elements,
I wonder if the internal battle
will ever cease.

Pixdaus.com

Surrender

Mindful Stone Day 15

A moment comes when "should"
becomes "desire" or "want"
The unending battle in the mind "to do"
ceases
and surrender sets in
"To do" becomes complacent...even
peaceful..."done"
and the mind can rest a bit
before the next wave of forced motivation
begins to take hold
I had one of those moments today

Not Quite Flying

Mindful Stone Day 14

Not quite flying
Not quite floating
Moving on wheels cautiously
Roller skates at 60
but who's counting?
Pink wheels and smiles
A trusting hand to hold onto
circling the track in the store.
Not quite the wind in my hair
but surely a moment to cherish.

Worthy

Mindful Stone Day 13

I doubted a good moment would come my way today
Withdrawn, sullen, introspective.
Uninterested in usual activities,
I focused on mindless
television.
I cast my eyes on my phone as it rang.
My heart jumped.
I felt happy.
A friend.
A friend in need.
For a brief respite,
I was taken outside myself
and felt worthy of life.

Pink Mist

Mindful Stone Day 12

The pink iron sits ominously in the corner
yet I know it beckons me
Begrudgingly I ready the items
and fill the iron with water
with the cute little holder

Is it hot enough?
Is it hot enough now?
Whoosh!
That first sound of steam
somehow releases a sense of
satisfaction within me
and all systems are go

Remembering Through Amnesia

Mindful Stone Day 11

It's 11:11 pm on 1/11 as I write this.

A lifetime of trauma.
Healing begins at age 44.
Painful emotional healing.
Nightmares. Memories.
Healing.
Chunks of amnesia float through my brain.
Healing leads to awareness.
I rarely "saw" what was around me.
Since remembering,
short term memory has short circuited
and my former "photographic" memory has died.
Every day is a fight to even remember what I'm saying
in mid-sentence,
what it is I'm about to do or going to do.
To realize I'm being aware, is an aha moment.
It's a good thing.
Today I wrote mindfully, although not a stone.
Just having published it, my mind began to meander.
What I wrote sounded familiar. Very familiar.
Enough that I looked at my trauma survivor blog
and found I had written very nearly the exact thoughts
last week.
Delete.
Also a small victory.
Take that, amnesia!

Cerulean Sea

Small Stone Day 10

The polarized band
the deepest blue of the sky
leaves me in awe
each time I catch a glimpse
I could lose myself in that
cerulean sea

Singing Bowl

 Mindful Stone Day 9

Sacred bowl in palm
wood to metal
circling slowly around the rim
vibrations build
from bowl to hand
wood to metal becomes sound
soothing
grounding
Holding the vibrating bowl to my ear
I drink in the final frequencies
and quench my ears with soul

Perched

Mindful Stone Day 8

Birds on high perched atop the arch of the lamppost
Each lamppost decorated with several birds
Wondering who decides which bird sits where
Is there a seating chart?
A buddy system...who sits with whom?
Is there a leader who mysteriously air texts
the assignments?
Do they take turns being the leader?
And who gets the seat right next to the light?

Calibration

Small Stone Day 7

My art speaks to me,
a calibration of my being.
Art complete
Shift in consciousness
Another baby step of healing.

Delete

Mindful Stone Day 6

A note written long ago
A knot in my head
No memory
What could it have meant?
Delete

Lucy the Tortoise

Mindful Stone Day 5

After being gently removed from her hiding place
beneath the orangutan
where she has remained nearly motionless for four days,
she loudly hisses realizing it is that time again.

Basking on her log following a hydrating bath,
I see her peek up at me and
I know in that moment
she is asking me to feed her,
too tired to move from her log to feed herself.

Offering her a piece of her favorite kind of lettuce
(the kind with thick white curved "roads"),
she opens her mouth wide and grabs at the nourishment
she needs between long winter naps.

And I am left gratified by her trust.

Smile

Small Stone Day 4

A burst of giggles suddenly erupted from my lips,
the unexpected words caught me by surprise.
The feel of myself smiling and the joy that fills that moment.
The warmth of it.
I swear I could feel my eyes glistening.

Dream Catcher

Small Stone Day 3

Suspended seemingly in midair,
circling gently by heat rising from below,
I watch as it turns slowly
mesmerizing me with flickers of light
from the crystal suspended beneath
among the feathers
and faded aqua of a decade.
Filled with symbols of love and spirituality,
I awake each morning to gaze upon
this gift in my life.

Mind Puzzle

Small Stone Day 2

A voice leaks through the blackness
of my subconscious and reaches my ears
with a single word.
At first a faint echo.
Then more clearly.
A single world that unlocks
yet another puzzle of my mind.
Of my life.
And I feel grateful.

Colloidal Oatmeal

Mindful Stone Day 1

Immersed in my womb of lavender and oatmeal,
feeling the heat enter my being
and calm slowly creep through the chaos,
I spy an orb in my universe floating by, circling,
teasing me to try to grasp it.
I forget from bath to bath this little pleasure
and so it is a new surprise each time.
The elusive orb another might relish as bubble wrap
waiting to be popped
but is for me to behold
with my eyes and then with my hand,
trying to outsmart it's course to capture it literally.
Once done, the great treasure of exquisite softness
rolls between my fingers
as I decide which scar will be honored
with this gift.