CD: Blues

Carpe Diem #576 ~ Blues

a year of the blues
nothing jazzy about death
now singing of life

CD: Enough

Carpe Diem Special #109 ~ Francis of Assisi #4

Photo Source

a brush of your hand

is enough to light up my world

CD: Leezard*

Carpe Diem "Little Creatures #6 ~ Lizard

Photo by Brian Beam, 2005 Volastra, Cinque Terre, Italy

atop the mountain

breakfast overlooking sea

while lizard watches

~

silently watching

lizard on flower pot edge

bids us good morning

*The title refers to what we have called the lizard with our "Italian" accent.

CD: Cry from the Blue

Carpe Diem #566 ~ Crow

Photo by Grace Beam

crow high above

against bluest of skies

calls out to no one

CD: Change in the Air

Carpe Diem #562 ~ Hot Springs

smoky mist rises
heat off the back of autumn
reveals new clarity

CD: Peaceful Totem

Carpe Diem #558 ~ Dragonflies

Photo Source

dragonfly totem

through arduous life journey

its presence brings peace

dVerse: No to Death

dVerse: Poetics ~ Darkness to Light

stepping into free fall
of the abyss
my mind floats to peace
freedom
sparing the ones i love
from my burden
no more pain
for me

coming to in the ER
i see his face strained with
fear and tension
a look that still lingers
i've hurt him
not what i intended
i'd hoped to set him free too

multiple attempts at my own life
this year
each a worse method than before
the parts of me wanting me dead
i choose to outsmart them
by choosing my own way ~
the only control i feel i have

healing is traumatic
i wanted to die
each conflict feels like a hell
i shouldn't be alive to have to face it
yet the moments come
the aha moments that strike
like lightening
silence my being 
as i listen to the echoes of them
make connections throughout
my mind
the enormity of the message
driving me toward my demise

i fight/fought so hard to be safe in life
i was finding happiness in ways
i had not found before
at the height of the happiness
i'm swallowed up by death
because the message running through me
is "life is unsafe"
my loyal parts are trying to "save me" from life

my father's death triggered a message
designed for me to kill myself
it's conscious now
i can untwist the message
and all related meanings
i can be truly safe
understanding the double language

i'm glad to have survived
to gain this new essential insight
into what drove my being
i choose now to say no to death
to say yes to love
and happiness
he lost this war

dVerse: Does Death Have A Voice?

dVerse: Poetics DMT

Hand Me Downs, Polyvore by grace2244

no drugs necessary for self talk

when others exist within

tho drugs often desired

to battle the trauma 

that created my selves

my life this year has been 

life or death

a constant mind battle

craving a mind meld in favor of life

yet trying not to cut too deeply

to keep other me from

having her way

at first me vs. them

(the perpetrators within)

wishing & pursuing my death

now advanced to seemingly

one me...two minds

half life...half craving death

working to change the balance

in my favor

always wondering if she

will completely take over

and they will win...finally

day to day

i wonder if i will be alive

to see the next morning

more coping skills

exhausting & draining

withdrawn from what i knew

who am i becoming?

who will be speaking in my stead?

will there be another

or is this the end

my dream today is to live

til this weekend

to have dinner with friends

short term goals

crawling

wanting this era of my life

to be over

whatever that means

dVerse: Shattering & Rebuilding...Constantly

dVerse: Poetics ~ Shattering the World and Rebuilding It

Polyvore by Grace2244...Shattered But Hopeful

i've dealt with parts of me

wanting to kill me before

for years it was a puzzle-like process

but no active attempt on my life

i had one close encounter in 2011

this year is testing my will

from every conceivable angle

an overdose in march

scissors too dull to cut my arm

sent me into a safe treatment facility

most don't understand dissociation

and having parts

and who would want to understand?

my healing has lead to miracles

last year in sedona

to wrestling myself for my life this year

two weeks undid the majority of the parts

(got them into healing)

though i thought i got it all.

soon after i got home

i discovered a straggler

and used my new skills to resolve

the part's hellbent goal to kill the body

so proud i was of my accomplishment

yet two days ago, i stumbled on a box cutter

in the drawer

someone else previously unknown

took over

thank goodness for dull blades in my home

while running it along my arm veins

i was screaming for help to my husband

it's tough to ask for help 

when another part is fixated on death

i figured out who the part was 

after my husband came to the rescue

calls to therapist and appointments made

the experts said they can never know

how many more times harm parts will surface

or how long this current "script" will be running

my internal world has shattered several times

and i've rebuilt each time

coming out a bit stronger

i thought i'd met my match two days ago

no one (or very few) understand this evil

that began when i was preverbal

and still impacts me today

decades later

i'm fighting

i'm trying 

battling to stay alive

before my strength becomes less

than theirs

i believe in angels

there must be angels

i should be dead

doom and gloom in writing

yes...always 

my world is mostly dark

but it's the light that makes it

worthwhile 

Thank you for this prompt. Sorry if too graphic for some.

dVerse: Written Words to Live

dVerse: Meeting the Bar ~ When Words Fail

Polyvore by grace2244

my answers used to come

through collages

and internal discussion

the written word was not necessary

the first time i overdosed

following my perp father's death

was not me

it was one of me

it came undone with hypnosis

and collages

it never occurred to me

it would happen again

last month, two years later,

i overdosed at the same time

after believing i had fully healed

the anniversary of his death

set a suicidal part off 

and when pills didn't work

a second time

the images in my head

terrified me

i was fortunate to be admitted

fairly quickly into a

trauma treatment center

where i learned that written words

were needed to reach

the harm parts

the old way wasn't working

they taught me a new way

am feeling safe again

all unsafe parts are in healing

or transformed

i have the skills now 

to recognize much earlier

when i need to write my way

to reach the ones who might

overwhelm me with harm messages

or take over and end my life

no expert knows if/when it will happen again

so i must be prepared

regularly to ask inside

written words can save my life

writing, always a part of me,

yet never thought to try that 

to communicate

i feel armed

the pen is my sword

not to kill

but to heal

words must fall

upon the page

for me to live

dVerse: Stayin' Alive

dVerse: Question of Identity

Polyvore by grace2244

i thought i knew who i was
who i loved
what i wanted
but then it all changed
my life in a moment
stripped me of any knowledge
or identity previously known

only be getting unstuck 
from the muck of stolen memory
did i come to know of me
and the multiplicity of me
coming out of the tarpit
i found a new life
a new love
a new way of being

the second blow of 
body falling apart
took back my life's new direction
but my love stayed
he is now my husband

what remains are my remnants
of trauma
that threaten my existence
more than i care to admit
what holds me together
is my life with my husband
and our dog
and our dreams

but first must get past
current barrage of parts of me
hellbent on death
waiting waiting for help
to keep me alive

dVerse: On the Verge

dVerse: Poetic Journalism

Apple's Solar Farm

windmills in france
atop the hills
me not understanding
our country's will

apple has made the move
to reduce carbon footprint
acres of solar panels
so easy to implement

could this be the start
of the large firms
to change the destiny
of world on the verge

dVerse: Topiary

dVerse: Self Portrait

Topiary ~ Collage Art by grace2244

this was me a few years ago

when i was healing

now it's me again

falling apart

trying not to

trying to find strength

when parts want to die

 my circle of life

i know i'm feminine

and love pink

but my head is still a blur

and i'm entwined in

all the evil of my past

me trying to turn weeds

into beautiful thriving flowers

i cut the pink dress

to put into this conglomeration

because

that's how i knew it was me

wanting to grow out of the past

wanting to embrace the future

wondering how i will do that

when unseen vines

keep pulling me down

 

CD: Companionship

Carpe Diem ~ Companionship

Photo by Brian Beam

companionship ~
missing the journey
of my haiku friends


***

puppy on my lap
her priceless companionship
brings me such joy

dVerse: Totems

dVerse: Poetics ~ Animal Symbolism

Image Source

what is your totem animal?
i used to think such things gimmicky
until i came to understand
the presence of certain animals
birds, dragonflies, fish
to have meaning
in the overall scheme of things
called synchronicity

in Sedona, i saw hummingbirds
for the first time ever
my first morning
out the window while having
a healing massage
later in the day
a hummingbird crossed my path
while hiking on the mountain trail
after a chakra cleanse
back at the hotel
google: hummingbirds

ravens were a totem 
throughout my healing
sometimes bluejays and cardinals
crossed my path several times
in close proximity
my compass in life 
is sometimes marked
by nature's signs

i have learned to heed
the universe
and all it offers
to lead us out of our darkness
and into the healing light
of living

dVerse: Darth Vader-Evil

dVerse: Kennings ~ Coin A Term

Polyvore by grace2244

MK-Ultra
the government's mind control program
with 83 sub-projects
called umbrella programs
that drugged children,
students, prisoners,
other unwitting victims
just to see what would happen
and more sadistic programs

could a child be developed 
as a secret agent
highly skilled
in many areas
without her knowledge
through predetermined
trauma-based dissociation
beginning at birth

a child built like a computer
to operate on cues, codes, signals,
programs upon programs
complete with self-destruct button(s)
call out dissociated personalities
with a particular skill
use them in a mission
and send them back to sleep mode
without even a flicker of radar
in the conscious child's brain?

what term can be used 
to describe this kind of program
an umbrella is too innocent 
to serve as a cover up
Darth Vader-evil imposed upon
innocents to serve our country

by whom?
the CIA
an underground CIA
something called the CIA but is not
at what level of government
is this Darth Vader-evil
that no one wants to see
or acknowledge

tick tick tick...

dVerse: Waiting to Blossom

dVerse: Poetics ~ Color Me Spring

Art by Sunita Khedekar

how i yearn for spring

eternally

to find the buds within

ready to open to life

and see color

bright, vivid, happy

feel the winds

the lion of march

the lamb of april

the warm sun

beaming down 

soaked up by face & body

FELT

for the first time

outside of hiding

adults directly from the womb

of amnesia

buds in waiting

for their time

to fully blossom

                                                                                                                 

dVerse: Edges

dVerse: Poetics ~ Micro/Macro

Photo by Shanyn


always on the edge of sanity
one step from free fall
into relapse
or on the brink of happiness
longing to be sure-footed

 

 

 

CD: Every Day Wish

Carpe Diem ~ Iwaya-ji

seven days a buddha
an every day wish for peace
~ serenity

dVerse: BAM

dVerse: Poetic Evolution

Polyvore by Maggie Grace

at age 7 i wrote of death
at 61 still writing of death
almost 20 years of healing
no fully/mostly conscious life
until my 40s
thought i had healed PERIOD
last year
and BAM
handfuls of pills
back into therapy

the evolution has been external
left a marriage where my need to heal
was unacknowledged
12 years with a loving man
who supported me from multiplicity
through several integrations
and an attempted suicide
we married a year later

he was with me last week
when second suicide attempt failed
knowing it wasn't "me" taking the pills
my circle of friends
real and virtual
has evolved in a beautiful
and unexpected way

i write my life
dVerse has helped me evolve
in expression and support
thankful you chose to continue
♥