dVerse: Darth Vader-Evil

dVerse: Kennings ~ Coin A Term

Polyvore by grace2244

MK-Ultra
the government's mind control program
with 83 sub-projects
called umbrella programs
that drugged children,
students, prisoners,
other unwitting victims
just to see what would happen
and more sadistic programs

could a child be developed 
as a secret agent
highly skilled
in many areas
without her knowledge
through predetermined
trauma-based dissociation
beginning at birth

a child built like a computer
to operate on cues, codes, signals,
programs upon programs
complete with self-destruct button(s)
call out dissociated personalities
with a particular skill
use them in a mission
and send them back to sleep mode
without even a flicker of radar
in the conscious child's brain?

what term can be used 
to describe this kind of program
an umbrella is too innocent 
to serve as a cover up
Darth Vader-evil imposed upon
innocents to serve our country

by whom?
the CIA
an underground CIA
something called the CIA but is not
at what level of government
is this Darth Vader-evil
that no one wants to see
or acknowledge

tick tick tick...

dVerse: Most Likely

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

most likely to succeed
i cringe each time i think of it
class speaker
honors graduate
no scholarships
because i wanted only 
to join the service
one half inch too small
for the army
tossed out into the work world

two years later enlisted 
in air force
somehow cheating the one half inch
russian language school
later to be used to spy
on russian pilots
by eavesdropping from NSA
but i rebelled at that secret
of the job
thought i was to be an interpreter
out early on post-vietnam release

failed marriages
never reaching my career goals
not knowing a puppetmaster
directed me wherever i went
had what i thought was a good career
it was enough and i was happy
then all began to unravel
outside and inside

amnesia began to fail
and falling apart at work
sent up all kinds of flairs
since a puppetmaster was
a VP at work
terror and trying to hold it together
as long as i could
finally separated from work world
a world that had always been guided
against my knowledge and will

felt redeemed as a therapist
but that fell apart with my body
most likely to succeed
such an inadequate feeling

dVerse: Proof of Life

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

Image Source

the truth of me
insanity to most
validation comes
cuts
sharp as a razor
flash of pain and insight
                                                
no proof of me
but what i know
my truths and known truths
match like puzzle pieces

so many government programs
other survivors have similar pasts
but i have some unique to all
what isn't unique is the one message
that began in my collages of healing
and ended with an astounding answer
regarding my creation
not in broad strokes 
but great specificity
which is so rare with recovering memory

prisoner without bars
with amnesia in tact
fear of death after knowing
each
tiny
detail
secrets were joined
with death messages
so many i'm almost immune
wondering if this new answer
will be a step too far
or if enough know out there
to protect me

if my dna history
goes with my reality
it's not enough to prove
but enough for me to know
the accuracy of my past
my purpose for being
horrid purpose that it was
i would finally know
with certainty for my mind
regardless of how it is
perceived by others

those without access to inner wisdom
cannot fathom the information
that one can know from the universe
my protector told me from the beginning
"I know everything."
he worked in amazing ways
i have no doubts of my "heritage" 
the gift of dna analysis
fell into my lap

i shied away from ordering a dna test
yet anything i was meant to know has
"landed in my lap"
hoping my life won't be the trade 
for this knowledge
not the fear i used to have
but an unsettling hint of anxiety
answer by valentine's day
the heart of my being









 

CD: New Journey

Carpe Diem ~ Aleph

life lived since birth
not the same since amnesia breaks
begin anew 

Christmas 2013

my nightmares of christmas
now in the land of severed memories
the vision of my unknown life
put upon a mental shelf
though validation is nice
in a painful sort of way

this december of christmas movies,
joy of lights, music, and puppy
very different and welcome
yet overwhelmed with
fatigue and thoughts of 
adding tissue to gift bags
just let me sleep

a quiet holiday
for mind and body
the greatest gift
a first time peace and calm
unafraid of opening gifts
that contain body parts
the selves who knew 
safely tucked within the whole

the life that was
no longer the priority
lingering thoughts 
within acceptable limits
your laughter the
sound of the season 

CD: Chaos

Carpe Diem ~ Chaos

my country
in complete chaos ~
insanity

***

amnesia breaks
life suddenly in chaos
sorting out the pieces


 

dVerse: Above This Orbit

dVerse: Poetics

Writing to the Art of Catrin Welz-Stein

 

 

Where The Starlight Begins by Catrin Welz-Stein 

high above this orbit
far from earthbound danger
i roam the safety of the stars
held within the moon's glow

high above this earth
my world when being here
was too much for my mind to bear
where time was nonexistent
and pain relegated to
a me of a distant plane

now one of this earth  
healed beyond the pain ~
still wishing to be among the stars
walking the constellations
hiding within the peaceful unknown

 

Tanka: Shadow Self

Tanka Poets On Site

Shadow

my few memories 
a shadow of my life 
lived by others within 
we are all one now 
still a mere shadow

dVerse: Here But Not Here

dVerse: Riddles

Polyvore by Grace2244

 
i am but one body
with one mind
fragmented into many.
i have split consciousness
and am often unaware 
of what i do.
no one sees the real me.
i can hide for decades
clueless to myself and others.
the biggest riddle is
who am i when together as one?
 

amnesia assures no answer
for most of life 
and then i shatter 
like Humpty Dumpty 
waiting to put myself 
back together again.

 (This is what used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder, more recently, Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have healed and am newly back together finding my way now as one mind.)

Tanka: Awareness of Awe

Tanka Poets On Site

From Dream To Reality

mind shattered in youth
fragility meets terror
fine crystal shatters
now pieced back together
wonders surround me
awareness of awe

FSF: Remnants

Five Sentence Fiction ~ Fabric

Polyvore by Grace2244

Every fiber of her being was on fire from pain, betrayal,  and remembering the unspeakable of her past. What she had known as the fabric of her life fell apart the way ash becomes dust the moment it is touched. Her world turned upside down and suddenly a paranoia washed over her. The threats to her life if she spoke of the secrets were as powerful now as when she had been a child. Although all had been hidden in the amnesia, the threats were the first to leak through along with the early memories keeping her from seeking help for far too long.

A Birth Too Far

Inspired by Sam Edge's writing about revealing self truths.

Creating Alters ~ Polyvore by Grace 2244

my birth not meant for joy
a creation for cold war government
loved only until i began to remember
disowned immediately
and only after first memory of incest
not exactly the act of an innocent
he made mother choose between him
or staying in contact with me
then the rest
intentionally made a multiple
personalities trained for government deeds
and "special projects"
some were never used 
because anticipated events
never happened
but always the ones wanting suicide
at each move forward with healing
i've survived all they programmed
into my fragmented mind
but wonder how many others
succumbed
and were suicide statistics
instead of death by government evil
engineered by Germans...Nazis
Operation Paperclip
who taught me well
and traumatized me to the brink of death
over and over
to keep my mind creating more of me
systems within systems
meant to be sturdy
but came down
not exactly like a house of cards
more like Lego by Lego
until it collapsed
most don't grasp "polyfragmented"
they just know Sybil
still I healed
no proof of my beginnings
but know my own truth
mother's egg
artificially inseminated
with "royal" sperm
i know my sperm donor family
a secret world even from the donors
bloodlines meant to carry on
not "my father's" child
my father's asset to maintain the terror
but never too far
for he would pay the price
of not living up to his bargain with the devil
he is gone now
i've yet to spit on his grave
i see my life in movies and tv shows
La Femme Nikita
Orphan Black
Manchurian Candidate
genetics gone awry in labs
the things i saw that no one would believe
everything before amnesia broke
intended for no one to believe
my truth is unbelievable
so i scream it at the top of my lungs
thousands like me
trying to heal
not enough therapists to treat multiples
let alone the ones from "the programs"
my truth sucks
and when i scream at something in the media
it is my primal self recalling
what was done to me/us
FUBAR
who believes FUBAR
not enough tears
to mourn my life
death has to be kinder

Tanka: Oblivious Rose

Tanka Poets

No Ordinary Flower

oblivious rose
buds closed tightly
until her fifties
when all finally
fully blooms




July 28 prompt

Tanka: Gaps

Tanka Poets On Site

childhood a blank
pieces of life
glued together
hiding the gaps
in memory


Aug 10 ~ the pieces together

Merge: Mission At The Mansion

Write At The Merge: Week 33

 

This week is a photo prompt of a mansion which I've used to provide a future segment of my novel Blind Obedience. 

Background: Emma was born into a highly classified government program which caused her mind to split from intentionally induced trauma from a very young age. The personality splits created from the trauma were then trained with highly sophisticated methods by neuroscientists and other experts for various tasks and purposes. Emma has no awareness of this split off part of her life and is vacationing in England, or so she thinks. She has one day in London and is obsessed with buying a raincoat at Burberry's before her motorcoach tour leaves the next day. Previous segments of the story can be read here.


Emma entered Burberry’s and was met by a tall well-dressed female assistant in red pencil skirt, tailored blouse, and black heels. As Em stood at the counter providing her hotel information and shipping address after the final fitting for the raincoat, a gentleman, undercover for MI-6, awaited his opportunity. He had been notified by a call to a nearby telephone booth when Em left her hotel.

When Em wandered off to look at the luggage, the Englishman lingered nearby making small talk. He was able to give her the hand signal and code phrase which called out Hilary, the one who would receive the information for the assignment. One of the motorcoach tour stops would be Yorkshire. Hilary was to relay the meeting place, time, and person’s description to an inside personality known as “the conductor”.

Nearly all covert activity in Em’s life took place at night. All she would ever know is that she fell asleep in the same bed in which she awoke. The conductor’s job was to relay the meeting information to a different personality. Always an assignment was carried out by a series of personalities so if any one of her was caught and questioned, no one part would ever know the full story. Orders came from high above through other operatives so secrecy at the highest levels was never compromised.

After Em went to bed the night her tour was in Yorkshire, Natasha went to the provided room number. The team in the hotel room prepared her for the mission: clothing, disguise, “accessories”. At 2 a.m., Natasha met her contact on the dark side of the bridge, a short walk from her hotel. From there she was ushered to the American military base Menwith Hill for a briefing with those who were to be her black ops teammates for the next few hours. Just before boarding the helicopter, Anya was cued to carry out the remainder of the mission. After touching ground out of earshot of a private party held at a posh English estate, Anya arrived by limo and stepped out in her elegant attire with the help of the valet. She provided the name on the guest list and walked in confidently. 

During a quick stop in the ladies room, she carefully applied the coating to her lips and then the layer of a beautiful shade of deadly untraceable poison. The recipient, the target identified as the traitor, would be pronounced dead of a heart attack, after Anya was safely in the helicopter and after using her special lipstick remover saving her from any toxic effects.

Natasha returned to the hotel room to be debriefed and relinquish her mission items. Moments after entering her hotel room, the phone rang. Natasha answered. She was cued to forget all that had transpired and to switch back to Emma before getting into bed. The moments between signals and actions to and from Emma were always lost in the amnesia.


Words: 493

Toads: Remember

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads
Sunday Mini-Challenge: Palindrome Poetry

secrets kept
wall amnesia
child overwhelmed
mind protects
--remember--
protects mind
overwhelmed child
amnesia wall
kept secrets

Waiting For Answers

introspection

i walked into the past today
guided there by subconscious
bombardment 
he had felt safe in the 70s
he felt safe today
his eyes still kind and smiling
my boss from long ago
in my previous life
before i knew i wasn't me.
trusting my inner guide
i asked a few questions
about that time in my life
what he remembered
nothing ever seemed awry to him
professional, "on top of things"
"i went through five secretaries
in one year after you"
did i ever do work for another?
he mentions a name
it sounded familiar but no bell
driving home i remember
he was a partner...quite elderly and scary
google to find he died early this year
connected to state government
so was i in a covert way
was that why i needed to see him?
for that name?
time will tell
if my visit was meant to trigger a memory
it could be a day
a year
there was a reason i went today
there's always a reason
patience
grasshopper

Tar Babies

Wall of amnesia in place since very early childhood breaks in 1997 when I'm 44. My dissociated selves come tumbling out and it is life changing to realize I am a multiple. An early alter to reveal herself was first called Tar Baby until I learned her name. Later I realized the image I had of her coming out of the tar was her crossing over from subconscious to consciousness. I wrote this 11/04/01. Just rediscovered it today.

Photo Source

Pieces of my murky past come forth
like tar oozing from the core of the earth.
Each bubble bursts open flashing a moment 
of horror in my mind.
Perhaps it connects to a previous moment...
perhaps not.
I place these moments into the jigsaw puzzle
and wait.

I can see the chasm
separating conscious from unconscious.
The dark side quakes,
forever trapped in fragments of nightmares.
To reach the safe shore of consciousness
alters must leap across that 
hell of memory of childhood
and life gone awry
by those who would justify
torture of a child
to eliminate an enemy.

Alters emerge from the slime
naked to the world cloaked only in terror.
But the courage for them to find their way out
leaves me in awe.
Were it not for the protectors
who lead the way,
I would be lost
wandering the inside of my haunted mind
as a zombie roams the earth ~
the walking dead in search of life.

I know where the life is hiding
but I must first embrace
the worst of the nightmares
to set it free.
I have never known the joy of life ~
the will of wanting to live rather than die.
I'm so close at times
but slipping back into something
that seems to hold me up just high enough
to keep my head from slipping
back into that tar pit.

I refuse to turn back.
I've known enough life now 
not to want to return;
but some days it feels so inviting
to creep back into eternal ignorance,
to pretend my life never happened.

I want to wash that shroud of blackness
off each of my selves
and let them see life
and want to take that
great leap into joy
that I've yet to know.

dVerse: Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

 dVerse: Poetics

 

Polyvore by Grace

a blur between my known reality
and what was my life
is all i know
no beautiful mirages
unseen offerings of gelato
in the heat of summer

i lived a life i did not know
that began to leak through
in my forties
like a daydream
playing out so vividly
with mindblowing emotions
for something i did not
know or recognize

but not a daydream
nightmares
mini nightmares
when it first began 
flashbacks 
that were not my own
what was real?
was it real?
was my unknown truth
dist...ort...ed?
or was it really that
INTENSE

my every day
once amnesia broke
was a constant struggle
of what was/is real
is it still happening?
how do you know
you have amnesia
if you have
amnesia?


I have healed from the "falling apart" that came with amnesia leaking. But it was one wild scary ride for about a decade.