CD: Blues

Carpe Diem #576 ~ Blues

a year of the blues
nothing jazzy about death
now singing of life

dVerse: No to Death

dVerse: Poetics ~ Darkness to Light

stepping into free fall
of the abyss
my mind floats to peace
freedom
sparing the ones i love
from my burden
no more pain
for me

coming to in the ER
i see his face strained with
fear and tension
a look that still lingers
i've hurt him
not what i intended
i'd hoped to set him free too

multiple attempts at my own life
this year
each a worse method than before
the parts of me wanting me dead
i choose to outsmart them
by choosing my own way ~
the only control i feel i have

healing is traumatic
i wanted to die
each conflict feels like a hell
i shouldn't be alive to have to face it
yet the moments come
the aha moments that strike
like lightening
silence my being 
as i listen to the echoes of them
make connections throughout
my mind
the enormity of the message
driving me toward my demise

i fight/fought so hard to be safe in life
i was finding happiness in ways
i had not found before
at the height of the happiness
i'm swallowed up by death
because the message running through me
is "life is unsafe"
my loyal parts are trying to "save me" from life

my father's death triggered a message
designed for me to kill myself
it's conscious now
i can untwist the message
and all related meanings
i can be truly safe
understanding the double language

i'm glad to have survived
to gain this new essential insight
into what drove my being
i choose now to say no to death
to say yes to love
and happiness
he lost this war

dVerse: Does Death Have A Voice?

dVerse: Poetics DMT

Hand Me Downs, Polyvore by grace2244

no drugs necessary for self talk

when others exist within

tho drugs often desired

to battle the trauma 

that created my selves

my life this year has been 

life or death

a constant mind battle

craving a mind meld in favor of life

yet trying not to cut too deeply

to keep other me from

having her way

at first me vs. them

(the perpetrators within)

wishing & pursuing my death

now advanced to seemingly

one me...two minds

half life...half craving death

working to change the balance

in my favor

always wondering if she

will completely take over

and they will win...finally

day to day

i wonder if i will be alive

to see the next morning

more coping skills

exhausting & draining

withdrawn from what i knew

who am i becoming?

who will be speaking in my stead?

will there be another

or is this the end

my dream today is to live

til this weekend

to have dinner with friends

short term goals

crawling

wanting this era of my life

to be over

whatever that means

dVerse: Topiary

dVerse: Self Portrait

Topiary ~ Collage Art by grace2244

this was me a few years ago

when i was healing

now it's me again

falling apart

trying not to

trying to find strength

when parts want to die

 my circle of life

i know i'm feminine

and love pink

but my head is still a blur

and i'm entwined in

all the evil of my past

me trying to turn weeds

into beautiful thriving flowers

i cut the pink dress

to put into this conglomeration

because

that's how i knew it was me

wanting to grow out of the past

wanting to embrace the future

wondering how i will do that

when unseen vines

keep pulling me down

 

CD: Every Day Wish

Carpe Diem ~ Iwaya-ji

seven days a buddha
an every day wish for peace
~ serenity

dVerse: BAM

dVerse: Poetic Evolution

Polyvore by Maggie Grace

at age 7 i wrote of death
at 61 still writing of death
almost 20 years of healing
no fully/mostly conscious life
until my 40s
thought i had healed PERIOD
last year
and BAM
handfuls of pills
back into therapy

the evolution has been external
left a marriage where my need to heal
was unacknowledged
12 years with a loving man
who supported me from multiplicity
through several integrations
and an attempted suicide
we married a year later

he was with me last week
when second suicide attempt failed
knowing it wasn't "me" taking the pills
my circle of friends
real and virtual
has evolved in a beautiful
and unexpected way

i write my life
dVerse has helped me evolve
in expression and support
thankful you chose to continue
♥

dVerse: If I Give My Heart...I Die

dVerse: OpenLinkNight ~ Valentine's Day

not a gift
a surprise
thought my healing
ended the
death dates
the internal messages
of the manner of death

it started the night
of the 12th
2...14...2.....14
"a good day to die"
always dates with double digits
triple digits stronger
a holiday with a full moon
they wanted me to die
by my own hand

"suicided" is their preferred
method of death
no "hands on" needed
just overwhelming messages
to die
and a specific manner

keeping their message separate
from my own thoughts
can be tricky
i hid in bed
away from the pills
reliving my death sequence
until it stopped
the day after

despair that something
can still get through
with that strength
wondering when 
my own mind
will turn against me
again

dVerse: Death Defying

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

Polyvore by Grace Beam

his death three years ago

i should be clicking my heels

why the dark thoughts and feelings?

back to the drawing board

literally

process feelings with images

death with someone peeking through

after completing the art

i realize it is my internalized mother part

looking at me

diluted programming

still notice the message to join "him"

since integrating

i don't believe any former part

can act alone

but the feeling sucks

once again my desire

to celebrate his passing

is quashed by the brainwashing

of my past

proof the haunting continues

trying not to give it merit

yet must acknowledge

the grief my mother part

is feeling deeply

bonded to the abuser

stockholm syndrome

lives on after death

reaching me from his hell

dVerse: A Time to Die

 dVerse: OpenLinkNight

i'd like to die at 65
i tell my psychiatrist
explaining i'm not depressed
just tired of expending energy
to live

i told my husband the same thing
last week
"that's not much time" he says
since i just turned 61
i want it to be peacefully
in my sleep
even though i still have
a full bucket list

psych says it's not abnormal
to just be tired of living
he knows it's not depression
at least no longer
but maybe
because my healing continues
less mental energy
will be expended 
and the desire to live longer
will grow stronger

i would like to see
the greek isles
visit sedona again
save up for a
chocolate indulgence massage day
at hershey spa

through my journey
from collapse from trauma memory
i have learned transcendence
trusting in my internal higher power
knowing jung's world of personality
stood on a hilltop in sedona
hearing the mountains speak to me

i have known unconditional love
the joy of laughing with my husband
and far too much pain
i long for the soylent green room
without the aftermath
my ashes in lavender fields
in europe brings me so much peace

CD: Poppies & Lavender

Carpe Diem ~ Ashes

life to death to ash
sprinkle me among poppies
and lavender
south of france or italy
to dance ever after

CD: Edge of Life

Carpe Diem's Tanka Shrine #1 

"Small footprints" by Marika Kitakubo

Write a tanka inspired by this one by Marika Kitakubo:

fine snow
of New Year’s Day,
small footprints
lead to grandma’s gate
before the shrine

 My inspired haiku:

another new year

struggle to stay alive

now behind me

from edge of grave to life

open wide the gates

CD: Cold Granite

Carpe Diem ~ Mausoleum

The prompt is for the Mausoleum of Halicarnassus, but I chose to just write on the prompt of mausoleum.

Photo Source

mausoleum

harkens of death and spirits

cold granite chills

CD: Eclipse

Carpe Diem #311 ~ Eclipse

light of my life

taking your last gasping breaths

eclipse of my heart

(I know the last line comes from a song, but I wanted to use it for this prompt.)

 

 

Tanka: Message

Tanka Poets On Site

Goodbye

cream-colored roses
withered by time on her grave
her last phone message
plays through my mind
a never-ending loop