dVerse: Does Death Have A Voice?

dVerse: Poetics DMT

Hand Me Downs, Polyvore by grace2244

no drugs necessary for self talk

when others exist within

tho drugs often desired

to battle the trauma 

that created my selves

my life this year has been 

life or death

a constant mind battle

craving a mind meld in favor of life

yet trying not to cut too deeply

to keep other me from

having her way

at first me vs. them

(the perpetrators within)

wishing & pursuing my death

now advanced to seemingly

one me...two minds

half life...half craving death

working to change the balance

in my favor

always wondering if she

will completely take over

and they will win...finally

day to day

i wonder if i will be alive

to see the next morning

more coping skills

exhausting & draining

withdrawn from what i knew

who am i becoming?

who will be speaking in my stead?

will there be another

or is this the end

my dream today is to live

til this weekend

to have dinner with friends

short term goals

crawling

wanting this era of my life

to be over

whatever that means

dVerse: Shattering & Rebuilding...Constantly

dVerse: Poetics ~ Shattering the World and Rebuilding It

Polyvore by Grace2244...Shattered But Hopeful

i've dealt with parts of me

wanting to kill me before

for years it was a puzzle-like process

but no active attempt on my life

i had one close encounter in 2011

this year is testing my will

from every conceivable angle

an overdose in march

scissors too dull to cut my arm

sent me into a safe treatment facility

most don't understand dissociation

and having parts

and who would want to understand?

my healing has lead to miracles

last year in sedona

to wrestling myself for my life this year

two weeks undid the majority of the parts

(got them into healing)

though i thought i got it all.

soon after i got home

i discovered a straggler

and used my new skills to resolve

the part's hellbent goal to kill the body

so proud i was of my accomplishment

yet two days ago, i stumbled on a box cutter

in the drawer

someone else previously unknown

took over

thank goodness for dull blades in my home

while running it along my arm veins

i was screaming for help to my husband

it's tough to ask for help 

when another part is fixated on death

i figured out who the part was 

after my husband came to the rescue

calls to therapist and appointments made

the experts said they can never know

how many more times harm parts will surface

or how long this current "script" will be running

my internal world has shattered several times

and i've rebuilt each time

coming out a bit stronger

i thought i'd met my match two days ago

no one (or very few) understand this evil

that began when i was preverbal

and still impacts me today

decades later

i'm fighting

i'm trying 

battling to stay alive

before my strength becomes less

than theirs

i believe in angels

there must be angels

i should be dead

doom and gloom in writing

yes...always 

my world is mostly dark

but it's the light that makes it

worthwhile 

Thank you for this prompt. Sorry if too graphic for some.

dVerse: Stayin' Alive

dVerse: Question of Identity

Polyvore by grace2244

i thought i knew who i was
who i loved
what i wanted
but then it all changed
my life in a moment
stripped me of any knowledge
or identity previously known

only be getting unstuck 
from the muck of stolen memory
did i come to know of me
and the multiplicity of me
coming out of the tarpit
i found a new life
a new love
a new way of being

the second blow of 
body falling apart
took back my life's new direction
but my love stayed
he is now my husband

what remains are my remnants
of trauma
that threaten my existence
more than i care to admit
what holds me together
is my life with my husband
and our dog
and our dreams

but first must get past
current barrage of parts of me
hellbent on death
waiting waiting for help
to keep me alive

dVerse: Click

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

click
is a more terrifying sound
of a gun
than the actual firing of it

click
is the sound at my temple
as i stood so many times
given orders
the fear beyond my own life
always including mother
sisters or pets
destruction of a favorite toy
or relative
whatever i cared about
was fair game

click
an empty chamber
i often wish
had been filled
so young to know such fear
standing at the edge
of the readied grave
my body tossed in
dirt shoveled on
to drive home a point
or a message
they ruled me
ruled the world

i once remember
asking my "father" about
the rearview mirror
"what is the 'night' button for?"
"don't ever touch that!"
he warns menacingly
"it makes the sun go down
and it would destroy the world"
i was 10 years old
i never touched the mirror
until my third car

click
the angle of the mirror changes
the world didn't end
but the lies remained
the foundation of my life
for far too many years

A Piece of Peace

 

Image Source

quiet
empty
nothingness
once flooded with
trauma images,
memories,
nightmares,
horror upon horror
years of internal
unraveling

g  o  n               e


only the occasional
droplet of trauma
disconnected
for me to
see, examine, process

                                            over there

not right here attached
where i scream, cry,
try to hide

it's peaceful
and unsettling
do i fill it up with something else
or is peace and quiet good?

i feel strange
and so very tired
perhaps my brain needs to rest
recuperative sleep
worn out from constantly
being ON

and maybe when i've slept enough
the peace will feel peaceful

forever in a predominantly internal world
since i was five
no longer do i live inside my head
i'm outside of myself
with my puppy
always a subconscious reason 
even for joyful thinking

settling in
at the start of this year
with my calmer brain
waiting for the neurofeedback
to continue until
ability to focus returns
i miss writing

i was writing this in my head
with electrodes on my scalp
a place of near sleep
listening to whales and dolphins

am glad i remembered
enough to document
this next piece of being me

dVerse: Unmoved

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

halloween
a time of ghouls and
skeletons falling out of the closet
on top of me
just decorations in a store
had me running out
in a state of panic
no stores from time of
halloween stuff till
after christmas

lit carved pumpkins
caused screams and tears
could not bear children in costumes
hid behind darkened house
on trick or treat night
to not see the masks

something has changed
since neurofeedback began
a photo of a lit jack-o-lantern
left me unmoved
i stared in awe
noticing my lack of reaction

last week i drove by a pumpkin stand
and wanted to get a small one
just to display
somewhere
but it was on the other side of the road
in heavy traffic
i shared that thought with my brian
who remarked
"that was different"

grandbaby visit two weeks ago
on top of her bag
a children's book about halloween
thick cardboard pages
for a child who can barely talk
"it's a scary book" i tell brian
he says "there was a time
you wouldn't have dared
pick the book up"

trauma resolving
it's good
it's different
a me evolving with
less fear
more capacity
for other emotions
good ones
ones to love a puppy