dVerse: On the Verge

dVerse: Poetic Journalism

Apple's Solar Farm

windmills in france
atop the hills
me not understanding
our country's will

apple has made the move
to reduce carbon footprint
acres of solar panels
so easy to implement

could this be the start
of the large firms
to change the destiny
of world on the verge

dVerse: Topiary

dVerse: Self Portrait

Topiary ~ Collage Art by grace2244

this was me a few years ago

when i was healing

now it's me again

falling apart

trying not to

trying to find strength

when parts want to die

 my circle of life

i know i'm feminine

and love pink

but my head is still a blur

and i'm entwined in

all the evil of my past

me trying to turn weeds

into beautiful thriving flowers

i cut the pink dress

to put into this conglomeration

because

that's how i knew it was me

wanting to grow out of the past

wanting to embrace the future

wondering how i will do that

when unseen vines

keep pulling me down

 

dVerse: If I Give My Heart...I Die

dVerse: OpenLinkNight ~ Valentine's Day

not a gift
a surprise
thought my healing
ended the
death dates
the internal messages
of the manner of death

it started the night
of the 12th
2...14...2.....14
"a good day to die"
always dates with double digits
triple digits stronger
a holiday with a full moon
they wanted me to die
by my own hand

"suicided" is their preferred
method of death
no "hands on" needed
just overwhelming messages
to die
and a specific manner

keeping their message separate
from my own thoughts
can be tricky
i hid in bed
away from the pills
reliving my death sequence
until it stopped
the day after

despair that something
can still get through
with that strength
wondering when 
my own mind
will turn against me
again

dVerse: Most Likely

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

most likely to succeed
i cringe each time i think of it
class speaker
honors graduate
no scholarships
because i wanted only 
to join the service
one half inch too small
for the army
tossed out into the work world

two years later enlisted 
in air force
somehow cheating the one half inch
russian language school
later to be used to spy
on russian pilots
by eavesdropping from NSA
but i rebelled at that secret
of the job
thought i was to be an interpreter
out early on post-vietnam release

failed marriages
never reaching my career goals
not knowing a puppetmaster
directed me wherever i went
had what i thought was a good career
it was enough and i was happy
then all began to unravel
outside and inside

amnesia began to fail
and falling apart at work
sent up all kinds of flairs
since a puppetmaster was
a VP at work
terror and trying to hold it together
as long as i could
finally separated from work world
a world that had always been guided
against my knowledge and will

felt redeemed as a therapist
but that fell apart with my body
most likely to succeed
such an inadequate feeling

dVerse: Click

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

click
is a more terrifying sound
of a gun
than the actual firing of it

click
is the sound at my temple
as i stood so many times
given orders
the fear beyond my own life
always including mother
sisters or pets
destruction of a favorite toy
or relative
whatever i cared about
was fair game

click
an empty chamber
i often wish
had been filled
so young to know such fear
standing at the edge
of the readied grave
my body tossed in
dirt shoveled on
to drive home a point
or a message
they ruled me
ruled the world

i once remember
asking my "father" about
the rearview mirror
"what is the 'night' button for?"
"don't ever touch that!"
he warns menacingly
"it makes the sun go down
and it would destroy the world"
i was 10 years old
i never touched the mirror
until my third car

click
the angle of the mirror changes
the world didn't end
but the lies remained
the foundation of my life
for far too many years

dVerse: Humanity of Trees

dVerse: Poetics ~ Trees

Muir Woods

the magnetic energy of a tree
is the same as a human
hugging trees isn't just an expression
it's good for the soul

i've lived in awe of trees
regardless of memory
life from both sides of amnesia
the redwoods once seen in Muir Woods
to the pines of Sedona

home for wildlife
protection from the elements
for all beings
wisdom to be shared
for those who dare listen

ageless wisdom
until someone willingly
hacks it off revealing its rings
the secrets one should never see
it bleeds not
but my heart does
when a tree has been taken

maybe trees have a soul
that takes up residence in a sapling
when an elder is murdered
or mother nature sacrifices
a chosen one
i prefer to believe their wisdom
lives on forever

with outstretched limbs
calling all to its energy
for comfort and shelter
shade and breeze
the heart of earth
beats within each

if a tree falls in the forest
the others gently and lovingly
bury it in their shedding leaves
grieving and creating
new life

dVerse: Proof of Life

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

Image Source

the truth of me
insanity to most
validation comes
cuts
sharp as a razor
flash of pain and insight
                                                
no proof of me
but what i know
my truths and known truths
match like puzzle pieces

so many government programs
other survivors have similar pasts
but i have some unique to all
what isn't unique is the one message
that began in my collages of healing
and ended with an astounding answer
regarding my creation
not in broad strokes 
but great specificity
which is so rare with recovering memory

prisoner without bars
with amnesia in tact
fear of death after knowing
each
tiny
detail
secrets were joined
with death messages
so many i'm almost immune
wondering if this new answer
will be a step too far
or if enough know out there
to protect me

if my dna history
goes with my reality
it's not enough to prove
but enough for me to know
the accuracy of my past
my purpose for being
horrid purpose that it was
i would finally know
with certainty for my mind
regardless of how it is
perceived by others

those without access to inner wisdom
cannot fathom the information
that one can know from the universe
my protector told me from the beginning
"I know everything."
he worked in amazing ways
i have no doubts of my "heritage" 
the gift of dna analysis
fell into my lap

i shied away from ordering a dna test
yet anything i was meant to know has
"landed in my lap"
hoping my life won't be the trade 
for this knowledge
not the fear i used to have
but an unsettling hint of anxiety
answer by valentine's day
the heart of my being









 

dVerse: Light of My Life

dVerse: Poetics ~ Candles & Lights

in youth the menorah
was special
great grandmother with lace
on her head
said the hebrew prayer
moving her hands so gracefully
grandmother's house felt safe
both are gone now
and i pray for no trauma connections

shamed if we asked 
for christmas lights
but chanukah never carried out
to be special at home
wherever home was
that year

a few trees with lights
and glitter
in adult life
but it never felt special
i gave up trying
and found it happier
avoiding any ceremony

withdrawn from religion
as soon as i had choice
even in marriages
christmas felt sad
during 12-year courtship
with current husband
we had lovely bear tree
several years
but my heart still felt
heavy even with the loveliness 
and we stopped

full understanding now
of no connection or avoidance
of christmas
and loving the season spirit
this year though no lights 
or fuss with puppy
but the light in our eyes
and in our hearts
the play of the moon
on the snow-blanketed earth
is christmas and beauty enough

dVerse: Mother Tongue

dVerse: Meeting the Bar

i have no mother tongue
i'm not sure my mother was my bio mother
we moved frequently
so i have no particular dialect
i know words from several languages
and subconsciously spoke several

my life would be an unbelievable
movie of the week
raised by post war Nazis
brought into the US
by our own govt
except i knew them in Germany
before I could speak
and knew German commands
simultaneously with English

fear was my language
my first poetry
from second grade
speaks of death and graves
likely a red flag in today's society
but had that been my red flag
it would have meant
fear of death if i ever wrote again
so thank goodness no one noticed

poetry and images to accompany it
were my escape
from my unknown split selves
and became insight into my life
when i awoke from amnesia
in my forties
my words, my feelings on paper
that was my only reality
even if i didn't quite get the reality

mid forties to sixty was healing
sixty-one mostly healed
without all memory
same words coming out
in different ways
but still they come
new words like "puppy"
add new life
create new memories

grateful for a place to share 
where my past no longer matters
but the words that go with it 
are accepted without judgment
i'm an aberration
finding my way late in life
with new love and new family
finally embracing this holiday
we know as Christmas
my first holiday detached
from the fear it once meant

my first season of enjoying
holiday movies and
Christmas specials
and decorations
wishing all the dVerse family
a holiday of peace and
treasured memories




 

dVerse: Chew Toy

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

of all the things
i've ever been
known and unknown
the one thing i hadn't been
was a chew toy
yet that's what i've become
to our new puppy

advice abounds
about how to stop
puppy biting
brace the neck
tweak the nose
hold finger under her tongue

regardless of technique
as soon as i release my hold
she lunges at me
sometimes i'm a sheep
to be herded
and i have the bruises
on my calves to prove it

friday comes the dog trainer
to train me
to be alpha dog
my energy is off
nothing i do works
am hoping this
dog whisperer can help

my birthday christmas puppy
makes me laugh every day
and is a wonderful joy when sleepy
her tazmanian devil side
when she zips around in circles
at the speed of light
is fun until she lunges

all i want for christmas
is for my puppy to understand
"no bite"
and continue to be her sweet
sassy feisty self
preferring toys instead of
my flesh and blood

Photo by Brian Beam

dVerse: She Shatters Self

dVerse: Poetics ~ Alice

Alice falls into a hole
and several of her land
one too small
one too tall
true blue pinafore...just right

one way through the looking glass 
i say she shatters self
and off she goes
several ways at once
in search of "this way out"

along the way she meets
a scattered hare too late
a cat with hookah high on quips
a knight in full daylight

joined at tea by hedgehogs
and other hedgerow critters
comes the odd Mad Hatter
of all the ones in wonderland
he's the one who seems to matter

though he might be mad
he leads her back
through the looking glass
where one cannot truly see
back home she finds herself
but does she have the
memory?


(This doesn't flow well and my brain just isn't working. My main thought was that Alice split when she landed but returned home whole again...similar to my path in life.)

dVerse: Bumps in the Road

dVerse ~ OpenLinkNight

my world changing
zap by zap
opening up new avenues of joy
a christmas spirit to embrace
instead of repel
mind relaxing
body having issues
joints swollen for a week
but should subside soon
(due to a new medication)

hobbling along
is not how i want to be
moving more with puppy
is supposed to be healthy
not hurt so much
feel like i'm being bitchy
when i point out the problems
"my puppy" means my job mostly
and don't want husband
to be disappointed

disability equals feelings of guilt
for finance contributions
struggling right now but didn't know it
found out by accident
married less than a year
must maneuver the issues
in a healthy way
laughter, love, and puppy
pave the path we mostly traverse
the bumps in the road
my achillles heel

dVerse: Rose Toes

dVerse: Poetics ~ Rose Toes

 

 

Photo by Grace Beam

no shoes is my preferred foot wear
with rose colored toes
a pedi from my favorite spa
the polish shade found in 2008
though a different rose shade
adorned my toes in Italy 2005


2007 led to numerous surgeries
but I never entered the OR without
my pretty toes
it became a kind of good luck charm
and something to cheer me up
poking out of hospital sheets

married with pretty toes last year
followed by a honeymoon to France 
a few months later
with a new pedi

the pedis stop when too cold for sandals
but still am barefoot indoors
bare feet go into my boots
after a polish-free season
my toes were painted
for my sojourn to Sedona in March

my feet might not be made for walking
but i want them to be pretty
rose toes go with me 
to all places important 
my personal tradition
sole to soul ~ my happy feet

dVerse: Daytimers to Timeless

dVerse: Poetics ~ Calendar

growing up oblivious to time
pushed along in childhood by
school bells going from class to class
later to break times at work with
time either flying by to my astonishment
or moving agonizingly slow

as a therapist for almost four years
my life driven by my hourly daytimer
name and arrows
reminding myself before and after
each appointment of what was to come
often having to glance to
remember new names

now "retired" i regress
oblivious to day and time
wednesday feels like saturday
phone alarms remind me of life
outside my home
puppy licks tell me when to get up
and eyelids tell me of bedtime

happy to be without a daytimer
and go with the flow of the day
or the needs of my bouncing puppy
trying to figure out how to find time
to write

dVerse: Ch..ch..ch..ch...ch...changes

dVerse: Open Link Night

in the blink of an eye
my world has changed
puppy chaos and laughter
scattered brain syndrome
which may be from lack of sleep
or ongoing neurofeedback

internal changes continue
anxiety decreasing
joy increasing
health is good
except for aches and pains
some go with age
some with not moving
after many surgeries
six years ago

puppy got me moving
surprising myself
getting through each day
watched a scary movie
by myself
and wasn't scared
a miracle i wanted to watch

all is changing
no time and/or focus for writing
neurofeedback messing with
brain connections
in a good way
missing haiku and twitter
embracing real life fur baby

dVerse: Late Life Childhood

dVerse: Poetics ~ Childhood Toys & Games

two sisters but mostly alone
my favorite toy was a stuffed bear
christmas present when i was 3
living in germany
military father
Steiff...the cadillac of stuffies
age 5 near Boston
dolls that could walk
mom took me to pick one out
but i never played with it
always the bear
upset mother
i spent hours outside
on the swings...alone
or played hopscotch...solo
hour after hour
as older child
father taught me strategy games
chess, bridge, cribbage
angry if i didn't do it right
games not fun
until i was a therapist
having learned play therapy
working with children
found my favorite books
and kept them in my office
began to have dolls
collectible So Truly Real
anatomically correct
at first in the office
then a few dolls at home
an act of self nurturing
since i had other parts of me
healed to become therapist
but healing continued
in therapeutic ways
as i worked with others
my toys are new and treasured
a moses basket filled with stuffed animals
from when i was healing
and parts identified with them
now that i'm whole
they are my tribute to who
once was me

Photo by Grace Beam

dVerse: Daylight Puppy Time

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

bleary eyed & achy bones
matters not
when bounding puppy
greets me early a.m.
ready to play.
second night
husband takes the 3:30 a.m. shift
i relieve him at 7
fix myself tripl3 espresso
watch Today Show
(flashback to 2007)
a floor chair saves my back
while playing on her level.
she won't sleep unless
next to one of us
tho she loves her playpen...
just not with the doors closed.
my body hasn't moved so much
the past year
as it has the past two days.
her licking my face
and snuggling on my lap...
the best bandaid in the world

First nap (with toys) - Photo by Grace Beam

dVerse: Ya Know?

dVerse: Meeting the Bar ~ Wild Beasts

with shame and glee
OUT goes the porch light
no treats from this house
i'll be inside hiding from
the ghouls, ghosts, goblins,
wild things of the night
while the little ones are cute
always some adult
in scary clown mask
that makes me want to
grab him by the throat
and say 
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG
WITH YOU?!"
pedophiles use these things
ya know?


no one knows us really
in our "hood"
so parents shouldn't allow
their kids to knock on our door
the days of razor blades
in apples
horrified me
drugged candy
who knows what is 
going into those bags
a dangerous night
unless everyone
knows everyone else

bring halloween indoors
i say
have children's parties
with the playmates
so the candy they collect
is as innocent as the
children
or i'm hoping they 
are not yet harmed

dVerse: iKnow

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

How to Capture a Poem

Photo Source

beautiful country scene
outside the car window
as we're zooming by
a glimpse of purple flowers
dots the hillside
iMust capture this vision
in a haiku
grab my iPhone 
go to Notes APP
& tap out a few words
as the moving car
will allow
& eyes will allow
before iSickness
sets in
my mind will forget
a voice memo

from years of writing poetry
iKnow i just need the
first few words
& the rest will flow
besides, who has
a pen & paper handy
these days?

dVerse: Halloween á la Seuss

dVerse: The Lighter Side of Halloween

i do not like a vampire's teeth
i do not like the  zombies 'neath
the rising new apocalypse
my distance i will truly keep

i do not like things that scare
i would not do even on a dare
i do not like the haunted house
i'd rather be scared by a mouse

i do not like yuck body parts
even on CSI's shooting lot
i do not like things of horror
i keep the door closed
locked ten times over

from trick or treaters
i still hide
within the dark
safely inside


(I'm sorry but I won't be reading others' for fear of running into something ghoulish and triggering.)