dVerse: Written Words to Live

dVerse: Meeting the Bar ~ When Words Fail

Polyvore by grace2244

my answers used to come

through collages

and internal discussion

the written word was not necessary

the first time i overdosed

following my perp father's death

was not me

it was one of me

it came undone with hypnosis

and collages

it never occurred to me

it would happen again

last month, two years later,

i overdosed at the same time

after believing i had fully healed

the anniversary of his death

set a suicidal part off 

and when pills didn't work

a second time

the images in my head

terrified me

i was fortunate to be admitted

fairly quickly into a

trauma treatment center

where i learned that written words

were needed to reach

the harm parts

the old way wasn't working

they taught me a new way

am feeling safe again

all unsafe parts are in healing

or transformed

i have the skills now 

to recognize much earlier

when i need to write my way

to reach the ones who might

overwhelm me with harm messages

or take over and end my life

no expert knows if/when it will happen again

so i must be prepared

regularly to ask inside

written words can save my life

writing, always a part of me,

yet never thought to try that 

to communicate

i feel armed

the pen is my sword

not to kill

but to heal

words must fall

upon the page

for me to live

dVerse: Editing the Meds

dVerse: Editing

Image Source

side effect: possible hostility

i read the day after he says

"what is WRONG with you today?!"

yes, it feels like hostility

aggression

insurance nixed the brand name

reaction to generic

off i go

pray my sinuses don't collapse

maybe the natural stuff

will be okay

meanwhile

withdrawal still in full force

at a mere fraction of original dose

every doctor tells me

"going off an antidepressant is tough"

no sh*t, sherlock

i'm living it every day

since i made the decision

i was happy enough to stop

but i'm growling

between the generic sinus

and frustration with withdrawal

am ready to throw in the towel

what my husband calls my

"thumper voice"

is now Bullwinkle's

"oops, wrong hat"

grant me the serenity

to live long enough to 

know a peaceful mind

with rolling brain waves

antidepressant and sinus med

free 

by this time next year

dVerse: Living Dead

dVerse: OpenLinkNight 111

how long before feeling alive

after being the living dead

how long before just feeling sad

instead of wanting to take my life

how long before feeling worthy of love

when all before has not been real

how can i feel lovable 

knowing what i was made to do

how long before wanting to live 

is stronger than wishing to die

holding onto strands of hope

doing all i can to move into life

still wondering if the effort

is worth it

lavender fields and poppies far away

my butterfly garden at home 

my hope in a bouquet 

(These recycling thoughts should be alleviated with neurofeedback. But will be about a year for any real improvement. Feels like stuck writing...emotions.)

dVerse: Inanimate Thoughts

dVerse: Open Link Night 110

bales of rusted wire 
catch my eye through the car window 
huge rolls on a truck bed
inanimate thoughts churn
in my mind
how sad to be rusted
what history have they seen
are they off to their burial
do they know of their fate
why do i wonder if they think?

maybe they are off to a new home
but have been in storage
as conveyed by their rust
still i see the rust as age
"put out to pasture"
like me with my rusted joints
and spiky brain waves

Turtle Art At Moma

 

Image Source

brain map complete
i have no quiet mind
my waves are so out of normal range
i see the art my brain makes
my calming music is a tiny pink area
all waves together look like
turtle art at MOMA
reptilian brain I joke
but it's not funny

listening to my calming music
during my first treatment
post complete mapping
my brain is writing haiku
and this
proof again of racing mind

five days antidepressant free
my emotions for the first time ever
are my own
an integrated mind
with full range of feelings
i feel like a juggler
wondering about this new normal
yet i've reached my goal

begin neurofeedback
without antidepressants
i know not of the medication afterlife
but withdrawal was a bitch
a year from now
perhaps i won't be writing
while dizzy
and wondering if healing
to this extent
is worth it

A Birth Too Far

Inspired by Sam Edge's writing about revealing self truths.

Creating Alters ~ Polyvore by Grace 2244

my birth not meant for joy
a creation for cold war government
loved only until i began to remember
disowned immediately
and only after first memory of incest
not exactly the act of an innocent
he made mother choose between him
or staying in contact with me
then the rest
intentionally made a multiple
personalities trained for government deeds
and "special projects"
some were never used 
because anticipated events
never happened
but always the ones wanting suicide
at each move forward with healing
i've survived all they programmed
into my fragmented mind
but wonder how many others
succumbed
and were suicide statistics
instead of death by government evil
engineered by Germans...Nazis
Operation Paperclip
who taught me well
and traumatized me to the brink of death
over and over
to keep my mind creating more of me
systems within systems
meant to be sturdy
but came down
not exactly like a house of cards
more like Lego by Lego
until it collapsed
most don't grasp "polyfragmented"
they just know Sybil
still I healed
no proof of my beginnings
but know my own truth
mother's egg
artificially inseminated
with "royal" sperm
i know my sperm donor family
a secret world even from the donors
bloodlines meant to carry on
not "my father's" child
my father's asset to maintain the terror
but never too far
for he would pay the price
of not living up to his bargain with the devil
he is gone now
i've yet to spit on his grave
i see my life in movies and tv shows
La Femme Nikita
Orphan Black
Manchurian Candidate
genetics gone awry in labs
the things i saw that no one would believe
everything before amnesia broke
intended for no one to believe
my truth is unbelievable
so i scream it at the top of my lungs
thousands like me
trying to heal
not enough therapists to treat multiples
let alone the ones from "the programs"
my truth sucks
and when i scream at something in the media
it is my primal self recalling
what was done to me/us
FUBAR
who believes FUBAR
not enough tears
to mourn my life
death has to be kinder

dVerse: Thoughts After Brain Mapping

dVerse: Open Link Night

Image Source

my brain waves are SpIkEy

when they should be

rollllling like the waves

of a calm sea

what if the neurofeedback

electrodes

blow my brain up

i know that won't happen

but it's a thought

perhaps a thought placed there

by the evil that was my life

"my handlers"

so they say on TV

if you try to heal your brain,

it will blow up

and so a 5-year-old believes

brain map completed today

if it were a picture

i imagine it like pieces glued together

or scraps scotch taped

in every possible direction

to ensure it holds

little faces under the tape

screaming that they are trapped

emoticons before there were emoticons

no smiley faces in my brain

just :-O and %-O and OOOOOO

will the neurofeedback

give me smiley faces

and rescue the trapped emoticons

beneath the scotch tape?

will my brain blow up

before that happens?

dVerse: Inside

dVerse: Poets Pub

the world inside my head
is where i lived for decades
it's so easy to jump in there
or hear the thoughts flowing
already percolating with
the next thing i will write
i can hear the gears begin to grind
as i'm reading the prompt
can't get to the new post button
fast enough
no drafts
no scribbled notes
just write and proof
not meant to be edited
that i know
what comes out is meant to be
uncensored
unplugged in a different way
release

dVerse: Unplugged

dVerse: Unplugged

Photo Source

flashlights hidden everywhere
in case of a power outage
hate being in the dark
either way you take that phrase
addicts
both of us
connected to the internet
but i like the disconnect
while he constantly searches for wi-fi
what to do when the power goes off
sit close and talk
about anything...everything
touch
can't reach when we are both
on our computers
him on his loveseat
me on my sofa nest
he's biking now which is great
i'm gardening
unplugged was a different generation
wrapped up in extra long phone cords
trying to speak privately
games of yahtzee and gin rummy
our board games sit in a drawer
because Candy Crush is more fun
aged body can't move
unplugged disconnects me from the world
is it back yet? is it back yet?
wireless is my connection

dVerse: Tapping Into The Muse

dVerse: OpenLink Night 107
Writer's Block

waiting for the flow

wondering if any gelato is left

what's that sound outside?

*flash of a word in my mind*

focus on word

metaphorically tap tap tap

of invisible pen

even tho haven't used one 

in years

play a game on puter

take mind off writing

brain will work on it

and spit it out when ready 

cuz if it doesn't flow

it doesn't work

my poet...writer

is a muse who lives within

she has to be ready

*flash of a few words*

repeat repeat

it's time

type the words 
circling in my head

suddenly the rest comes

as I write it just flows

like a dam breaking

thoughts I didn't know I had

dVerse: Brain Mapping

dVerse: OpenLinkNight — Week 106

tick tick tick tick tick
don't move for six minutes
the clock in the other room
feels like drum beats
and i'm supposed to be calm
nothing to tune out the
tick tick tick
try to focus on another sound
traffic outside
tick tick tick tick tick tick
the more i try
the louder it gets
"4 minutes to go"
TICK TICK TICK TICK
wanting to leap from the chair
fling open the door
and smash the bloody clock
that i had moved from the room
before we began
because i could hear it 
the first session
and almost went nuts
brain mapping
to treat my oversensitivity to sounds
TICKKKK TICKKKK TICKKKK
finally it's over
trying to reach for my iphone
and ear buds to drown out the sound
the sensor on my ear 
pulls me back into my seat
GET THIS STUFF OFF OF ME
i don't scream or even whisper
"next time can i listen to my music
while you do this?"
yessssssssssssssssss


Three sessions of brain mapping needed for neurofeedback sessions to hopefully treat my extrasensory hearing and other things that make me eek.

dVerse: Two Two Four Four

dVerse: Numerology

2244 came into my life
when i chose it as the last 4 digits
to my cellphone...my car phone 
at the time
the salesperson was a friend
and let me choose from a page
because i wanted a number
easy to remember

it was almost two decades
before my amnesia came undone
and learned 2244 
was a part of me
a guiding number
a number that told me
when i was on the right path

it didn't matter in what form
22 or 44. 224 or 442 or 242
the numbers were my synchronicity
44 became 44N at one point
in Italy in 2005 we took a side trip
to Cinque Terre
because of a breathtaking view
we found online
not until after the trip was booked
did i get an internal "push"
Cinque Terre was 44 degrees N
initially afraid to go
i found huge healing during that trip

last year was france
husband chose Avignon
i said "okay"
accidentally found Avignon was 44N
disbelief
italy couldn't be parallel with france
but those two cities were
another healing experience
most extraordinary
a time of synchronicity

2+2+4+4 = 3
i used to do that all the time
with numbers that came through
my amnesia
perhaps one time the number
had a different meaning
but was transformed before
i remembered
it's me
it's my number
grace2244


Not exactly poetry or prose...but my stream of consciousness on this prompt.