dVerse: No to Death

dVerse: Poetics ~ Darkness to Light

stepping into free fall
of the abyss
my mind floats to peace
freedom
sparing the ones i love
from my burden
no more pain
for me

coming to in the ER
i see his face strained with
fear and tension
a look that still lingers
i've hurt him
not what i intended
i'd hoped to set him free too

multiple attempts at my own life
this year
each a worse method than before
the parts of me wanting me dead
i choose to outsmart them
by choosing my own way ~
the only control i feel i have

healing is traumatic
i wanted to die
each conflict feels like a hell
i shouldn't be alive to have to face it
yet the moments come
the aha moments that strike
like lightening
silence my being 
as i listen to the echoes of them
make connections throughout
my mind
the enormity of the message
driving me toward my demise

i fight/fought so hard to be safe in life
i was finding happiness in ways
i had not found before
at the height of the happiness
i'm swallowed up by death
because the message running through me
is "life is unsafe"
my loyal parts are trying to "save me" from life

my father's death triggered a message
designed for me to kill myself
it's conscious now
i can untwist the message
and all related meanings
i can be truly safe
understanding the double language

i'm glad to have survived
to gain this new essential insight
into what drove my being
i choose now to say no to death
to say yes to love
and happiness
he lost this war

dVerse: Waiting to Blossom

dVerse: Poetics ~ Color Me Spring

Art by Sunita Khedekar

how i yearn for spring

eternally

to find the buds within

ready to open to life

and see color

bright, vivid, happy

feel the winds

the lion of march

the lamb of april

the warm sun

beaming down 

soaked up by face & body

FELT

for the first time

outside of hiding

adults directly from the womb

of amnesia

buds in waiting

for their time

to fully blossom

                                                                                                                 

dVerse: Edges

dVerse: Poetics ~ Micro/Macro

Photo by Shanyn


always on the edge of sanity
one step from free fall
into relapse
or on the brink of happiness
longing to be sure-footed

 

 

 

dVerse: Invisibles

dVerse: Poetics ~ Invisibility

Polyvore by Maggie Grace

growing up invisible
not seen...unheard
not allowed to be a me

a lifetime filled
with an invisible world
invisible mes
known only to "them"
while conscious me
the quiet one
afraid to speak up

when the invisibles of me
became known
healing began for what
no one could see
nor would i want them to see

recently learned there is no end
to the healing...to the invisibles
someone new with me now
letting her feel acceptance and love
offering her a new home
a new space in my mind
my invisible world

dVerse: I Overdosed

dVerse: OpenLinkNight

i overdosed on 2/22
not because my life was too hard
it's been heaven comparatively
since last May's integration
a part of me surfaced near
Valentine's Day
carrying death messages
which I avoided through 2/14
i was fine on 2/15
thought it was over

my mind hasn't been on healing
from dissociative parts
for so long, it seems
normally i would have called
for help when the part appeared
but thought i had handled it

husband went out for a few hours
on 2/22
i thought my thoughts were mine
felt like me convincing myself
all would be better without me
i took as many pills as i could
plus two drinks of alcohol
(not something part of my regular routine)
i was still awake when husband returned
but it was my nap time

a few hours later
after no sleep
and realizing i wan't going to die
i told him
was dizzy and body was shaking
wanted to wait until morning

called therapist first thing
she said go to ER for medical impact
was there all day
no drugs showed up in tests
a DID "trick" ~ body registers
what it was "told" to do
three social workers and a
call to my therapist
allowed me to go home

doing okay
had therapy session
and another for monday
dizziness is lessened today
am almost functioning
didn't sleep as much
happy to be here
with husband and puppy

DID from birth
no total healing
must be on guard for
any activity internally
i could have killed myself
and it would have appeared
that's what i wanted

Holding On

Image Source

60 Minutes
mental illness
emotional disorders
lack of psychiatrists
lack of beds in psychiatric facilities
long waits to get help
so few trained trauma therapists

i've lived through the system
i've hung on waiting for a bed
trying not to kill myself
after dissociatively overdosing

have been a therapist
when a highly suicidal client
had to wait weeks to be admitted
for proper care

my disorder was dissociation
most medical schools 
don't teach doctors about it
many therapists and counseling programs
avoid it, disavow it, or choose not to see it

incest is more acceptable
yet many victims of incest
who were pre-school age
did dissociate
one in four women a victim
how many of those were
young enough to dissociate
the numbers realistically
have to be extremely high

a known suicidal person
cannot be hospitalized
in a medical hospital
it's all about beds
no effin beds
to save a life

where are the rich ones
aware of this need
to help?

60 Minutes
a senator's son
he screams out
on deaf ears
even he cannot make
a change

how do you tell someone
to hang on to life
when no one is there
to help them do it?

my life has been hanging on
for the most part
integration and marriage
a new puppy have helped
yet today i feel depressed
for no known reason
thoughts of suicide
who would miss me

and round it goes

Christmas Eve 2013

 

home alone by choice
to allow sadness and vulnerability
to surface as it must
realize it is the first time
i have been feeling good until last night
when the trauma-related feelings hit
but the sadness is not consuming me

it is not me down in the pit
it is me realizing the sadness
is another emotion
and it doesn't need to be alone
it has support from stronger feelings
it doesn't own me any longer

the guilt of staying home seems odd
since great sadness, especially tonight,
usually had me feeling nothing else
except anxiety
now i can hold all emotions
and just notice, acknowledge
let them co-exist
likely what most know as normal

i am truly one

 

 

Turtle Art At Moma

 

Image Source

brain map complete
i have no quiet mind
my waves are so out of normal range
i see the art my brain makes
my calming music is a tiny pink area
all waves together look like
turtle art at MOMA
reptilian brain I joke
but it's not funny

listening to my calming music
during my first treatment
post complete mapping
my brain is writing haiku
and this
proof again of racing mind

five days antidepressant free
my emotions for the first time ever
are my own
an integrated mind
with full range of feelings
i feel like a juggler
wondering about this new normal
yet i've reached my goal

begin neurofeedback
without antidepressants
i know not of the medication afterlife
but withdrawal was a bitch
a year from now
perhaps i won't be writing
while dizzy
and wondering if healing
to this extent
is worth it

FSF: Finding Her Bliss

Five Sentence Fiction ~ Bliss

Photo Source

Somewhere PTSD and autism must overlap since sensory overload is common between the two. Unfortunately, those with autism don't get a break from the onslaught. With PTSD, it's mostly intolerable only when something in the environment triggers a flashback to something frightening heightening all senses. 

She imagined bliss as a moment of purity when all is still and quiet on the earth. Italy was her first bliss with the poppies and no neighbors for miles around with only the calming sound of bees buzzing in the field with a view of serenity as far as the eye could see.

Sensory Overload

outside begins the
bounce bounce bounce
of the basketball
doesn't he ever get tired?
the heater running in the kitchen
grinding of coffee as hubby
makes espresso
water running through the pipes
the onslaught of sound
to overly sensitive hearing

sometimes i long for quiet
i mean quiet without the white noise
without ear plugs
just sit and hear the silence
like walking in Sedona
where just the breeze
spoke to me peacefully
and the sun softly stroked
my skin

life without PTSD
without sensory overload
without drugs tugging 
at my central nervous system
my last bastions of hope
work in progress
maybe my last decade of life
will be peace without 
working so hard 

Pristiq: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Polyvore by Grace2244

Although born depressed, I didn't begin antidepressants until 2005 at the age of 52, mainly because I was unable to tolerate the many I did try. Cymbalta was a different kind of antidepressant (AD) and stopped my then "unable to stop crying" symptom within two days. I stayed on minimal 30 mg dose until a few years later. Circumstances in my life caused depression to worsen to where the maximum dose of 180 mg a day wasn't working.

A crisis in 2011 led to hospitalization and I was weaned rather quickly off Cymbalta and put on 50 mg of Pristiq for several days with no side effects. Bumping to the 100 mg was also not an issue and my depression symptoms improved immensely within a month. I had been on the 100 mg/day (maximum dose) for two years. A few months ago, my healing had reached a point where I knew I no longer needed the AD. With the help of my psychiatrist, I dropped to 50 mg a day for a week.

I cheated a bit though thinking I was doing so well I could stop taking the 50 mg. I was fine for three days and then it was like a cyclone hit center brain. Very strong dizziness and nausea. I couldn't see straight, let alone walk without wobbling or falling over. When I realized it was a response to stopping the Pristiq so quickly, I went back on the 50 mg a day for another week (using a pill cutter to cut my 100s in half). My psychiatrist gave me a sample pack of 50s to cut in half to take for a week after that. He thought I should have no withdrawal stopping after a week on the 1/4 dose. He was wrong.

Again, about three days after stopping the 1/4 dose, I was hit with dizziness and nausea...not quite as strong as the first cyclone but still debilitating.  I am now on the 25 mg every other day but am experiencing lightheadness constantly. That has been going on since I started reducing the dosage. It's difficult to read much but I can function. I'm retired so don't have to worry about my job being impacted.

The hope is that, after a dose every other day for 10 days, I can stop. If not, the back up plan is to go to every three days. I have never experienced withdrawal from any prescription medication before so this was a huge surprise. Of course, since having the withdrawal, I have found many online suffering symptoms. I hope my experience and findings will help someone out there.

There is controversy over cutting the pills in half, but that was recommended by my psychiatrist over 50 mg tablets every other day. It seems my mild daily symptoms are far preferable to what others are going through. Many speak of "brain zaps" which is experienced differently by each person. I have had sudden twinges in my head. It feels like a brain cramp for several seconds in one spot. It's not painful...just disconcerting.

Others speak of crying after brain zaps or being more tearful. I realize I have been numb to crying pretty much since being on Pristiq. Just recently I had a normal emotional response to a happy/sad movie and had tears where I would have in life before AD. I would guess that it might feel like a side effect when it might be normal emotions returning. That's for you to decide with your doctor.

Before many surgeries from 2007-2009, which rendered me unable to return to work, I was a psychotherapist. I didn't prescribe drugs but always knew a client's history and knew which ADs were causing the most issues and witnessed transformations as people went on meds and came off of them. I'm not an expert on this. Just sharing because of what I'm finding on the internet. Hopefully if you are reading this, you found it by Googling.

For what it's worth, at the same time I started weaning off the Pristiq, I began neurofeedback. I've only had one treatment since several sessions are needed to map the brain and see what treatment will be best. I did want to be AD free for the neurofeedback to work on an unmedicated brain hoping it would normalize and AD no longer needed. Those sessions will be long term since it is training the brain to be calm instead of spastic as my brain shows to be. *sigh*

I am not opposed to going back on a low dose of Cymbalta if, for some reason, the depression still needs help post neurofeedback. I guess I don't know if Cymbalta has withdrawal symptoms because I went from that directly to Pristiq. I do know I will not return to Pristiq knowing how difficult it is to go off of it.

Good luck to you on your journey to AD freedom. The Mayo Clinic has a discussion group on Pristiq withdrawal for those interested in others' experiences. People have freed themselves which is good news. I hope to be one soon.

Tar Babies

Wall of amnesia in place since very early childhood breaks in 1997 when I'm 44. My dissociated selves come tumbling out and it is life changing to realize I am a multiple. An early alter to reveal herself was first called Tar Baby until I learned her name. Later I realized the image I had of her coming out of the tar was her crossing over from subconscious to consciousness. I wrote this 11/04/01. Just rediscovered it today.

Photo Source

Pieces of my murky past come forth
like tar oozing from the core of the earth.
Each bubble bursts open flashing a moment 
of horror in my mind.
Perhaps it connects to a previous moment...
perhaps not.
I place these moments into the jigsaw puzzle
and wait.

I can see the chasm
separating conscious from unconscious.
The dark side quakes,
forever trapped in fragments of nightmares.
To reach the safe shore of consciousness
alters must leap across that 
hell of memory of childhood
and life gone awry
by those who would justify
torture of a child
to eliminate an enemy.

Alters emerge from the slime
naked to the world cloaked only in terror.
But the courage for them to find their way out
leaves me in awe.
Were it not for the protectors
who lead the way,
I would be lost
wandering the inside of my haunted mind
as a zombie roams the earth ~
the walking dead in search of life.

I know where the life is hiding
but I must first embrace
the worst of the nightmares
to set it free.
I have never known the joy of life ~
the will of wanting to live rather than die.
I'm so close at times
but slipping back into something
that seems to hold me up just high enough
to keep my head from slipping
back into that tar pit.

I refuse to turn back.
I've known enough life now 
not to want to return;
but some days it feels so inviting
to creep back into eternal ignorance,
to pretend my life never happened.

I want to wash that shroud of blackness
off each of my selves
and let them see life
and want to take that
great leap into joy
that I've yet to know.

Who Am I Now?

My world has changed drastically since mid-May. I went from a mostly integrated multiple to a completely integrated person. I am what we multiples referred to as a singleton or monomind. I'm proof of healing from one of the most evil plans our government has hatched...an intentionally created multiple to commit acts as commanded throughout life without memory of doing so. I rendered their blueprints for my own demise after memory a failure. It took 16 years with a 4 year reprieve when all appeared integrated...so an intense 12 year journey.

Along with integration, my level of anxiety for journeying outside on my own went from an 8 to 10 (on a scale of 1 to 10) to a zero. Lack of energy still keeps me a bit alone but I've been much more active and don't need my husband to drive me everywhere.

What I call a shift in consciousness happened when I integrated. My mood shifted in addition to level of anxiety. With my psychiatrist, we made a plan for me to go off my antidepressants and that will happen in a few days.

My weekly therapy to deal with my fear of living is no longer necessary because the fear is gone. I no longer have a regularly scheduled monthly appointment to address DID issues, although my therapist is still there "as needed". No therapy. I was in therapy 15 years on and off before my amnesia began to leak in 1997. That's when therapy became my life...two to three times a week initially.

What remains of my 40 decades of trauma is leftover PTSD and oversensitivity to every day sounds/noises. I've been led to neurofeedback and will begin treatment after my third session of brain mapping next week. I've already seen how out of whack my brain waves are compared to normal and know my brain can learn how to calm down.

This is a new world yet I still am working on a way to tell my story...trying a new approach through a novel. No one believes my past anyway. Well some do. The general population does not and cannot or does not want to believe the evil in government. Although maybe the time is ripe at the moment.

The problem is that I've been a survivor whose live has been healing, with the exception of 2004-2007 when I was healed sufficiently to be a therapist...before my body crashed into disability status.

Now I'm a writer and the story still wants to be told. And I'm becoming more open than ever before about it. I have no idea what's normal for someone with an extraordinary (and not in a good way) life. I don't know how to be whatever normal is.

If feel I still have a need to continue to educate about the horror of the government underground through my writing. Outside of that and caring for my garden and enjoying my husband, home, and pets. I'm feeling like a fish out of water.

I also had a brain mapping session today and my brain got overly stimulated in trying to pinpoint the exact strength of light to use in my treatment. As a result I feel a bit weirded out but have written profusely today, all things considered. My final DID blog post completed today. And spilling my guts here.

Who am I now? I really don't know. I'm a survivor but healed. I do believe I survived to educate. All I feel I can do in that endeavor is write. And live to travel with my husband. Enjoying life...still in training.

Not My Depression

if depression talked
it would not want you to know
how painful it is
 
This is not depression talking. It's me talking about my depression. Everything changed mid-May. All was calm internally and externally. I returned home feeling relaxed, different, joyful. Finally, life where it feels like living instead of existing.

A few weeks later, intermittent days of depression of unknown source. I doubted dates of the past would still impact me subconsciously. I didn't rule it out but went along recognizing I felt sad, although it was manageable. No pit to fall into...or to climb out.

Several days of continuous depression and my mind is scanning every possibility. It's been just over two years since my antidepressant switch. I had been advised I need to switch every 18-24 months. That has to be it. I called my psychiatrist and got his permission to lower my current dose until I see him in two weeks, at which time he will start me back on my former antidepressant. In the back of my mind I hear the warning that not all people are able to go back on the same medication. It had been the only one that had ever worked so now I'm praying my body accepts it.

Hours after the phone call to the psychiatrist, I'm napping restlessly writing suicide notes in my mind. I got up and showered. All clean and refreshed except the depression is painful. I want it to stop...now.

I woke up from my lifelong amnesia at age 44 and fully healed at age 60. Integrated. No more fragmented parts of me. Perhaps it changed my body chemistry. More than likely, the integrated me is not the same age as the body and is hating finally being free but trapped in an aging body with back and knee pain from arthritis along with constant sinus pain. Incurable sinuses from decades of abuse to my sinus cavities which I will not explain further except that I was used...not for experiments. I was used in ways known to work. But it still meant doing things to my body that most people don't have to bear or can even conceive.

Physical pain is not bearable. Dealing with it is causing emotional pain. I thought the healing meant no more constant battles with wanting to be alive. It barely lasted a month. Almost six weeks actually. It was a good few weeks since integration. I was happy. Joy and calm. Sad was doable.

I do not wish to live with this depression battle any longer. I don't have that fight any longer. I won't start on the former antidepressant for about two weeks and then it may take another month for the meds to kick in so I don't feel this way. Can I manage that long? I've lived a pretty good life since 2006 when I moved into my own home. Last year the man I've loved for 12 years became my husband. I can be at peace with death.

life is not living
healed should not be this painful
some entered my life
and made me laugh and feel good
they knew and loved me anyway

Thank you for being in the part of my life that was me making conscious choices and wanting to write and share and be silly. And love. If I leave this world before my intended time, know I was ever so grateful to all who touched my heart.