dVerse: I Survived

dVerse: Poetics ~ Both Sides


i survived a government program
though often wish i hadn't
when i speak of my past
people don't believe
or think i'm a conspiracy theory nut
or just plain nuts

i think i must have survived for a reason
that used to be so i could be a therapist
to help others through
the horrifying journey called healing
but then my body fell apart
less than four years 
after earning my masters degree
and my body never healed
and i never got to say goodbye
to my clients
the ones i did or was helping

i used to write because i loved it
my integration last year
seems to have shifted that focus
dVerse and haiku
and some days that is difficult
i don't know why i lived
i don't think i am "living"
i'm here and don't know why

i wait for the days or weeks
every few years to "run away"
to a safe place far from here
wishing to stay there
but not having the means to do so
who am i and what am i doing here
the constant battle
even if healing is "winning"
it feels like i've lost all
just by being me